“It’s dreadful,” Alice said.
“Oh, I have worse than that,” said the Mock Turtle, and proceeded to prove it:
There was a girl named Susie,
Who drowned in a Jacuzzi,
She boiled like a potato,
And really tasted greato.
“If I had a gun, I’d eat it,” Alice said. “But I’d shoot you first.”
“Last one,” said Mock Turtle.
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Can I get that in writing?”
Mock Turtle launched into it:
When I need reference media,
I go to Wikipedia,
A dictionary is too slow,
And Wiki is much speedia.
“Ugh,” Alice said. “I think I actually threw up in my mouth a little.”
“A poet’s job is to provoke emotion,” Mock Turtle said proudly.
“You actually make money writing things like that?”
“Not yet. So far the snobbish literary journals have refused to publish any of my work. Do you know why?”
“They have standards?”
“Envy!” Mock Turtle declared. “They can’t stand that I have this talent, flowing through my veins, like some poet with poetry talent in his blood.”
Wow, this guy was clueless.
“ I know a man named Nolan, who had a spastic colon- ”
“You promised no more!” Alice said, shoving Mock Turtle to shut him up. “I need to get home, and I was told that you could help me.”
“Help you get home?”
“That’s what I just said.”
Mock Turtle tapped a finger against his chin. “Well, I could help you, Alice. But I’d want something in return.”
Alice narrowed her eyes. “Is it to recite another poem? Because I’ll turn around right now.”
“No. But you are quite beautiful, and I also couldn’t help but notice, quite naked. If you allowed me to make love to you, I could show you how to get home.”
Alice didn’t find Mock Turtle attractive, he was much too sour, but she was a pro at pity sex, and if she had to appease him to get back home, it didn’t seem like such a bad proposition. Besides, he might actually surprise her and be amazing at making love, like the many people she’d encountered that day.
“Fine,” Alice said. “Where would you like to-”
In a flash, Mock Turtle’s pants were around his ankles, and he was franticly rubbing up against her, trying to kiss her neck.
“Uh! Uh! Uh!” he groaned.
“Hey!” Alice said. This scenario was disappointingly familiar. “Slow down and we can-”
But it was too late. Mock Turtle had spurted all over her thigh, without having even entered her.
“That was the most unsatisfying experience I’ve ever had,” Alice chided him. “And that’s saying something.”
“Sorry,” he said, sheepishly looking at the ground. “It’s just that you’re so beautiful, and-”
“SEIZE HIM!”
Alice spun around and saw the Queen tromping down the beach toward them, surrounded by several guards. They immediately rushed at Mock Turtle, grabbing his arms.
“Your Majesty, what are you doing here?” Alice asked.
“The Duchess told me where you’d gone. This man has a seedy reputation, and as I’d suspected, my instincts proved correct.”
“What did I do?” Mock Turtle cried.
“Nothing!” the Queen retorted. “That’s the problem! Mock Turtle, I hereby accuse you of being a greedy, selfish lover, who cares not for his partner’s needs. If convicted of these charges, the penalty is…”
“Spanking?” Alice asked. She wouldn’t mind seeing the annoying little poet spanked.
“No,” the Queen declared. “Death!”
“Death?” Mock Turtle, true to his name, turned green.
“Death?” Alice repeated. “You certainly take your orgasms seriously here in Wonderland.”
“Yes, we do.”
“But he’s just a pathetic, selfish lout who doesn’t know any better,” Alice said. “Surely death is too strict a punishment.”
“The trial shall begin immediately,” said the Queen. “Off with his clothes.”
The guards stripped Mock Turtle of his wardrobe, ripping it so severely Alice couldn’t salvage any of it to wear herself. Though, quite honestly, she was beginning to really enjoy parading around naked.
“Alice, I subpoena you as the star witness.” The Queen pointed at her. “This man’s life hangs on your testimony.”
“Be merciful!” Mock Turtle begged.
Alice looked from the Queen, to Mock Turtle, and back again, wondering what she was going to do.
“To the courthouse!” the Queen commanded.
Not seeing any other choice, Alice followed the procession.
This was going to be interesting.
Chapter 7
The trial took place in a courtroom which was like no courtroom Alice had ever seen. In fact, it looked like a New Orleans bordello, or at least what Alice imagined a New Orleans bordello would look like, as she’d never been in one. Draperies of red velvet covered windows and walls, held back with ornate chains of gold. Plush carpet stretched wall-to-wall. Members of the jury lounged on opulent chaise lounges and wavy sex chairs and contraptions involving wooden crosses and leather swings and hanging chains. It wasn’t the least bit official-looking.
But Alice didn’t mind.
Her three tea partiers were there on the chairs, acting as the jury, Alice supposed. And they seemed to be the only three members. The Hatter wore a cowboy hat this time and nothing else but a pair of western chaps that framed his burgeoning manhood. The Hare donned his usual bunny suit, though still only the top half. And Maus wore the most beautiful ring around his beautiful masculinity and nothing else.
The Duchess was there, and Pilar too, standing next to Mock Turtle. But before Alice could truly get her bearings, a curtain parted and Dick strode in and stopped front and center.
“Hear ye, hear ye, court is now in session,” Dick said. Although he was wearing a police hat and a belt with a nightstick hanging from it, he wasn’t wearing anything else, and he was very aroused. Apparently people enjoyed court more in Wonderland than they did back home. “The honorable Queen presiding. All rise.”
The Queen made the obligatory grand entrance, splendidly wrapped in a thin layer of what looked like red rubber, or latex. It was skin tight, shiny, and there were holes for her nipples and her feminine parts. She wasn’t completely shaved like Alice, but her nether hair had been artfully shaped into a heart. Alice also noticed a glint of silver, and she realized with a pleasurable shock that the Queen had earrings down there. Each of her lips was adorned with a silver ring, as was her clitoris. Alice could barely imagine what it felt like to have a ring in that most sensitive spot and how it would feel if stroked. Or licked. Or during penetration. Would a man’s soft thrusting tug against it with each stroke? When he entered her completely, would he press against the ring?
The Queen had similar, larger rings in her nipples, and they were connected with a length of chain. Seeing Her Majesty’s secret jewelry made Alice feel funny, and she had to press her hand to her loins to calm the sudden throb.
“I said, all rise,” Dick announced, scowling at Mock Turtle.
Turtle was completely naked, his ankles and wrists in cuffs. “But I am standing,” he whimpered.
The Queen rolled her eyes. “Alice? Can you make the defendant rise?”
“How so?” Alice didn’t understand.
The Queen pointed at Turtle’s manhood, which hung limp and flaccid.
“Ah,” Alice said. She approached Turtle, and reached down to stroke him. Almost immediately, he sprang to full attention and began to moan and buck.
“Bailiff!” the Queen thundered. “Secure the defendant!”
The Queen quickly pulled a red ribbon from her hair and passed it to Dick, who stormed between Alice and Turtle and quickly tied it in a large bow around the base of Turtle’s member.
“Make sure it is tight,” the Queen said. “I won’t have him leaking all over my courtroom.”