"I'd rather succeed, come back tomorrow, and find you gone," I tease.
"I'm hurt." He puts a hand on his heart and blinks twice. "Which reminds me." He pulls out a small piece of paper. It looks like it was an A4 size and folded repeatedly to become that small. "I've got a present for you." He doesn't hand it to me but squeezes it in my front jeans pocket.
The sincere look on his face worries me. "What is it?"
"It says who Jack really is."
The urge of pulling the paper out and reading it now tickles my finger. There is this burning sensation of anticipation in my chest.
"I thought if something happens to you there, or you're about to die, you get to know what you desire the most," the Pillar says, walking toward the red curtain before the balcony. "Not that I am fond of Jack, not one little bit."
"I think I should thank you," I say.
He shakes his head, lips pursed. "No, you don't," he says, and looks peeks behind the curtain to check on something. "Because the only way to walk into Einstein's Blackboard isn't going to be pleasant." He turns back to me.
"I'm ready to know how." I straighten my back.
"No, you aren't." He is sure of himself. "Think of how no one else all these years was able to figure Carroll's time traveling secret. I mean, the blackboard was here, right in front of them. Carroll and Einstein's writings fill the university's archives. Still, no one ever found out about the secret."
"Tell me how, Pillar," I say. I am both impatient and worried at the same time. "I'm not afraid."
"You can only time-travel through the one thing you're scared of the most."
I shriek immediately. There is no question about it. A lot of things scare me and intimidate me, but one is the one, and only that brings to my knees.
"A mirror," the Pillar says, confirming my fears. "I have one behind the curtain. If I lay it opposite to the blackboard, you will be able to step inside through the—"
"Looking Glass." It all starts to connect now. "Like Alice did in Lewis' book Through the Looking Glass." I remember clearly how in one chapter she entered Wonderland through a mirror. Lewis wasn't over-imagining or fictionalizing. This was true, except the mirror had to be entered while set opposite to Einstein's Blackboard.
"The book is called Through the Looking Glass, and what Alice Found There," the Pillar lectures me again. "Now it's more of an Einstein's Blackboard Looking Glass now." He tries to sound funny, but he isn't. He knows the gravity of my fears.
"Is that why only the Real Alice can do it?"
He nods.
"But I am unimaginably afraid of mirrors," I say. "I will faint like in the fitting room."
"You can close your eyes, Alice, and I can guide you inside, hold your hand until you step inside," he offers. "The problem will be on your way back."
"How am I supposed to come back?"
"The same mirror and blackboard should be in Carroll's studio on the roof of the university, next to the Tom Tower."
"But there is no one to help there with closing my eyes."
"I know," he says. "Maybe Carroll could help."
"Why can't we just use the Tom Tower like last time?"
"The Tom Tower is the Bridge of Realities," the Pillar says. "It's like dreaming or crossing realms. Whatever you change there isn't going to change the future."
"But I gave Lewis the idea to write the Alice in Wonderland book last time."
"You might have, but it's not necessarily the real reason. Who knows why he wrote the book, really?" The Pillar pulls his hand back from behind the curtain. "Like I said, we still can go back to the asylum and be happy, insane people. You don't have to do it."
"If there is no one who can do it but me, then I have to do it." I rub the pocket in my jeans, right over the folded paper with Jack's identity. It's insane how safe it makes me feel.
I walk to the blackboard and write the date of January 14th 1862, the place of Lewis' study—because I don't know how to reach the Muffin Man if not through him. With my back to the blackboard, I close my eyes and ask the Pillar to bring the mirror and guide me through it.
As he pulls it close, I feel the walls closing in on me, because how good am I at closing my eyes and making sure they won't disobey me by just opening up?
Chapter 5 4
Lewis Carroll's studio, Oxford University, 1862
The transition to the past isn't as complicated as I thought. Once I step into the mirror, I feel the creaking wooden floor underneath me. I am in Lewis Carroll's studio. The air smells of violets and a scent called Fleurs de Bulgarie. I don't know how I know it. I just do, although it's not sold in the modern world.
I am afraid if I open my eyes, I'll find another mirror in front of me. Logically, it should be behind me, but I am too scared to run into the scary rabbit again. There is one thing I am sure of, though. I am back in my seven year old body like last time when I met Lewis through the Tom Tower.
"I need more costumes, Alice." Lewis' voice eases my worries. "I don't think I bought enough costumes from Drury Lane."
I open my eyes slowly. There is no mirror in front of me. I let out a sigh of relief, and check the pocket watch in my hand. It's fourteen minutes to seven in the evening. Time is definitely different than back there in Oxford, where it should be a little after midnight right now.
I look at Lewis standing before a large pile of costumes. His rabbit is standing atop it, nibbling on a carrot and scratching its head. Both are staring at the costumes, hoping to solve some problem. The piled costumes are cut and sewn back again together in smaller sizes after being redesigned. I wonder why Lewis would do this to the precious outfits.
"Why did you cut the costumes?" I ask, supposing I just fit in the scene as if I hadn't just reappeared out of nowhere. Who knows how this time travel really works.
"I told you, Alice," Lewis says.
"He told you, Alice," the rabbit repeats.
"Each costume had been designed for an adult," Lewis explains. "Cutting them in half makes each costume available for two kids instead of one."
"You want them to act in your plays?" I ask.
"Not the plays." Lewis sighs, still staring at the pile. "In the beginning, I used the costumes for entertaining the poor and homeless children. But then I discovered they needed the costumes themselves as shelter from the cold."
The more I know Lewis, the more I admire him.
"Maybe we could cut the costumes in three parts," the rabbit suggests. "The children are all smaller in size than normal children their age already. I think it could work."
"Why are the children smaller than their usual size?" I ask, wondering about the differences between past and future. Nowadays children are slightly oversized.
"Malnutrition, poor health, and the cold," Lewis answers. "These times are harsh, Alice. Look outside. The children are homeless and hungry. And this is only Oxford. Filth and poverty in London is much worse. It breaks my heart, Alice. I have to find a way to save them."
The words ring in the back of my head. Save them, he said. So those are the ones he couldn't save? Can I change the past and help him save them?
"We could build a shelter in the university's church, Lewis," the rabbit says. "Maybe give them some of my carrots." The rabbit shrugs, and its ears fall to the sides. It realizes the luxury of living with Lewis and having enough carrots to eat. It lowers its eyes and cuts the carrot in two halves. It puts one aside for later and nibbles slower on the one in hand.