“It’s hard to drudge up any enthusiasm when the best man’s been missing for two months and the wedding is in two days.”
Along with the life I’d left behind, I’d lost track of time as well. Could it be June already? “Yeah . . . about that . . .”
“Save it. I don’t care what you have to say about that right now. All I care about is you getting your ass in that truck of yours and getting to the wedding on Sunday. I’m tired from tracking you down, and I’m tired from putting centerpieces together, and I’m tired from being kept up all night, so shut your mouth already.”
Taking a closer look, Rowen did look beat. Her clothes were rumpled, most of her hair had fallen from her braid, and her eyes were bloodshot. I sat on one the bottom of one of the empty bleacher sections. “Tell Jesse to stop keeping you up all night with his sex marathons so you can get some sleep then.” I waited for Rowen to fire something back. The only time she’d let me get the last word in was never, and I was expecting more of the same.
“Unfortunately it isn’t Jesse who’s been keeping me up all night.”
I arched an eyebrow as she plopped down on the bench beside me. “Not even married and already checking to see if that grass really is greener on the other side?”
I scooted out of reach just before her elbow came at me. “The person who’s been keeping me up is the same person whose heart you broke before pulling your vanishing act.”
“Josie?” It was painful thinking about her and twice as much so saying her name.
Rowen nodded. “Josie.”
“How’s she doing?” I asked, staring at the ground.
“I’d tell you if I thought you had a right to know. Which you don’t. You giant. Ass. Hole.”
“I’m not going to argue with you on that. Not even for fun.” I dropped my head into my hands and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to brace myself against the pain shredding through me like tiny pieces of glass.
Rowen didn’t say anything for a while. Silence, when the two of us were together, was a rare thing. “Whoa. You really are miserable, aren’t you?” Rowen scooted closer and awkwardly wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “So you’re miserable. And Josie’s miserable. Why the hell did you up and disappear again?”
God, for so many damn reasons that didn’t seem important anymore. “You, Rowen, of all people should understand why I had to leave.”
“I might understand why you thought about doing it, but not why you actually did it.” She gave me a few pats on the back before removing her arm. Thankfully. Rowen might be able to express her affection for Jesse like a champ, but she was an awkward mess around everyone else still. Figuring out how to give affection took a while since she’d been denied it most of her life—I understood that well. “You know I worried about the same things you’re worried about: hurting the person you love, destroying their chance for a happy life. But I finally realized something,”—Rowen nudged me—“I’ve got some pretty great stuff to give, too. The Jesses and the Josies of the world aren’t the only ones with something to give. We—the misunderstood misfits of the world—do too.”
I huffed and shook my head. I might have had something to give, but I couldn’t figure out how to give it without destroying the person I wanted to give it to.
She said, “People like you and me, kids who grew up fighting for every single ounce of love that came our way . . . When we find that person we want to love, we give them a pure and boundless form of it because we know what it’s like to be denied it. We know the opposite of love so well, we go a full one-eighty when we find that special someone.”
I gave Rowen a half-smile. “And how does your ‘special someone’ feel about that pure and boundless love of yours?”
“Pretty fucking fantastic. Something your special someone never got the chance to feel because you acted like a giant. Ass. Hole.”
“You know what the nice thing is about being at a zero in the self-esteem department?” I asked with some sarcasm. “Not being able to go any lower when you fire insults off at me.”
“I’m not trying to insult you. I’m trying to knock, beat, shake, or bitch slap some sense into you.”
“So yeah, you’ve got a point. I behaved like a giant asshole, but I had to. It was the only way she’d let me go. Now that she has, she can find someone else to experience that boundless love shit with. She’ll find it with someone else,” I said, ending in almost a whisper.
“With someone else? Who the hell do you think Josie’s ever going to find that she’s going to be happy with if it’s not you?” Rowen looked like she was considering thumping me on the back of the head, so I scooted farther down the bench. “Colt Mason? Some other sweet country boy who bores her to tears?” I shrugged. “Puh-lease. The only boy Josie’s going to be happy with is you, and if she chooses to settle down with someone else, she’s just going to be pretending.”
“According to you,” I replied. I wondered if they’d let me ride again. That would at least get me out of having that conversation with Rowen. I’d rather eat another dozen mouthfuls of dirt than talk about Josie and what her future would be like with some other man.
“According to her, you giant—”
“Ass. Hole,” I filled in. “Yeah, I caught that the first fifty times.” And then what she’d said set in. “Josie said that? She actually told you the only person she’d be happy with is me?”
“Would it change your mind if I told you the truth?” She crossed her legs and swung her foot, waiting.
“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.” It was an honest answer, but not the one she’d been hoping for.
“Listen, Black, I know you love her. I also know you’ve never told her that, and based on the coward’s way out you’ve taken, you likely never will. That’s just the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, especially since you’ve loved her for so long.” Rowen wagged her finger at me, narrowing her eyes in a way that gave away she had been spending lots of time with Josie.
“It took me a little longer to figure out that Josie loves you too because she doesn’t act like the total idiot you do when she’s around. But I know she does, and I know she has for a while. I don’t know if that love started before or after Jesse and her split up, but I know it’s been there for a long time. Why the hell are you just throwing that all away without giving it a chance? If the love you two have has lasted this long while you’ve acted like you hate each, why wouldn’t it last if you tried actually showing that love to each other?” She stopped just long enough to suck in a breath. “Why don’t you give it a chance? A real one?” I exchanged a look with her. One that didn’t need words to explain. “Oh yeah, that’s right. Thinking about yourself again. What a surprise.”
So I guess the look I’d given her did need to be explained. “I’m thinking about everyone but myself, for Christ’s sake.” I pulled off my leather gloves and tossed them so far I didn’t see where they landed. “Haven’t you heard? I’m a virus. The kind who can’t help but infect everyone around me.”
Rowen nodded, giving me almost a . . . sympathetic look. That was a first. “So that’s what her dad told you, eh? That you’re a virus? One who’s going to ruin his precious daughter? Blah, blah, blah . . .” Rowen rolled her eyes and sighed.
“Yeah, that was about the gist of it. Along with lots of that blah, blah, blah stuff, too.” I looked over at her from the corner of my eyes, and when I found her doing the same thing, we laughed. That was the first damn laugh I’d had in two months, and even though it was over in two seconds, it felt good. It felt. Which meant my numb shell was cracking. I couldn’t decide if that was a good or a bad thing.