“When you were drunk.” Allison finished for me.
“Yes.” I admitted feeling that I hadn’t explained myself very well. Of course I knew that I couldn’t tell her about my teenage explorations with Gigi.
Without a word Allison released her hold on me and got out of bed and walked out of the room. Left alone with my thoughts I started to remember poor Gigi. We were sixteen and the best of friends, even though I had already started college and Gigi was in High School. It all started innocently enough we were laying on my bed talking about sex. When you are sixteen what else did you talk about. The two main topics of conversation were boys and shopping. Since I had already began to formulate my life plan and money was tight, very often I had little to add to the conversation. But talking with Gigi was easier than the other girls that I knew. This particular afternoon the conversation took a strange turn.
Somehow the we began to discuss masturbation and somehow it was decided that we should. That is how it started laying next to each other. Both of us fully clothed with our hands down our jeans touching ourselves. Neither of us achieved a climax but there was something about the event that intrigued both of us. Without discussing what had occurred that day, we continued with our exploration each time that found ourselves alone in one or the other’s bedrooms. Our explorations escalated to the point where we would undress ourselves leaving only our panties on. Although this made our afternoons more exciting neither of us had climaxed yet. That changed one afternoon in my bedroom while my grandmother was out shopping.
We were lying side by side staring into each other’s eyes. I could feel my excitement growing as I watched Gigi pleasure herself. Frustrated by my own excitement I continue my own exploration. Finally I conceded that it wasn’t going to happen so I stopped. “Let me help you.” Gigi encouraged as she reached out for me. “No.” I blurted out as I pulled away. Seeing the hurt in my friend’s eyes I knew that I couldn’t tell her that I was afraid. “Let me help you.” I explained quickly as I reached out and began to caress Gigi’s breast. The moan that escaped Gigi’s lips sent shivers down my spine. “Touch yourself.” I instructed her in a voice that I did not recognize. Gigi obeyed my instructions. I was overcome by a sudden wave of desire as I captured Gigi’s breast in my mouth. I suckled my friend’s nipple as I watched the girl pleasure herself. I could feel Gigi’s body begin to tremble. Without realizing what I was doing I rolled Gigi onto her side and curled up behind her. I rocked myself into Gigi’s backside while playing with her breast. Gigi’s hand began to move with intensity in her own underwear. “OH GOD! YEEESSSS!!!!!” Gigi screamed out. I continued to rock my body into Gigi’s until the girl climaxed for a second time.
We went on like that for over a year. Never progressing past that point and never discussing what we were doing. Not that Gigi didn’t want to. But I was far too afraid. Telling myself that if we didn’t talk about it then it wasn’t real. So I blocked all attempts Gigi made to take things to the next level. Finally Gigi grew tired of my lack of acknowledgment. Tired of the one sided physical aspects of our unspoken attachment. Gigi simply walked away one day and found someone else. Very quickly I blocked it out and tried not think of just what it had meant to her. Deep down I knew that I was the one that had hurt Gigi. “Forgive me I was afraid.” I whispered as I looked up at the ceiling in Allison’s apartment.
“So now what?” Suddenly all of the pieces of my life began to fit together and for the first time. Had Allison seen right through the lies that I have been telling myself? For the past few years I had been telling myself that Peter was my life. But I was the one who always put the brakes on when he got too close or tried to take the next step in our relationship. Sure we made love but only when it was convenient for me. He tried so hard to please me. How could I have forgotten that passion I felt with Gigi that had been the closest I had ever come to reaching an orgasm. As I lay in Allison’s bed it was becoming all to clear that I was a big fat liar. Somehow Allison Kendell had seen through my facade. I drew the bed covers around me feeling suddenly exposed.
Allison reentered the room. “I put some coffee on.” She said stiffly. “I’m going to take a shower. We have a staff meeting at eleven. Then I have a class. Maybe after the Dean’s tea this afternoon we could go and pick up a futon for you.” She departed the room without waiting for me to answer. I could tell by the intentional distance in her voice that even if my newfound awakening was true I had blown my chance with her. I just prayed that I had not lost her friendship as well.
I gathered my clothing and raced downstairs to my own apartment. I closed the door quickly not wanting to meet any of my new neighbors while racing out of Allison’s apartment wearing only a shirt first thing in the morning. Call me crazy but I just didn’t think it would make the best of impressions. As I entered my new apartment the emptiness left me cold. I shrugged off the chill and chose a suit that would be appropriate for both the staff meeting and the Dean’s Tea. As I climbed into the shower I quickly found myself lost in thought once again. “What are you going to do Stephanie?” Had the light finally dawned or was last night just one of those things. It was possible that I was just curious.
“Stop lying to yourself! This is what got you into this mess in the first place. How could I not know that I was attracted to women? But you did know. What did you think every teenage girl would blow off the mall so they could watch their best friend get off? Let’s not forget your helping hands either. Did you think everyone sucked on their best friends nipples so they could come? I was just … just what??? Face it last night you acted on pure desire!”
As the water splashed over my body my was coming back to me. All of those almost intimate moments in my life. The female friends in my life. They had not simply drifted out of my life. I had pushed them away. Because they had simply become too close. Those few innocent kisses. I had gotten drunk so I could allow myself to do what I really wanted to do. Then I pulled away when things had gotten too intense. They say you learn something new every day. Today I learned that I had led the majority of my life as a coward. I’m just not certain that I can change that? “Can I do this? Should I do this?”
The temperature of the water dropped suddenly and I was forced to exit the safety of my shower. The internal battle continued. By the time I was dressed I had come to a decision. The decision was simple I was not going to jump into anything. I was far too confused at the moment to make any life altering choices. Basically I was deciding not to decide anything. “Yeah that works. Coward!” I was jolted from my battle as my ceiling began to vibrate from the music that was blaring from Allison’s apartment. As the ceiling shook violently, the sweet aroma of coffee filled the air. I needed caffeine and I needed it bad. My courage failed me. Big surprise! After the way I had behaved last night how could I go back upstairs? I was not entirely certain that I would be able to face Allison Kendell again.
I adjusted my suit and packed my briefcase. I hated facing yet another faculty meeting as the newest member of the department. It was like being the new kid in school all over again. Before she died my Mother moved us seven times in as many years. I never really got the hang of making friends. When I went to live with my Grandmother I was finally in a place that was permanent. But I kept skipping grades that was worse than moving around. How do you bond with people who are older than you but not as smart? Let’s just say I was stuffed into my locker more than once. The only friends I had made in my life were Gigi and I screwed that up. Then Peter and I had a feeling that I was about to screw that up. And now Allison and that wasn’t looking like it is going to last either.