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I thanked the woman as she transferred me so I could confirm that I chose my local and long distance carriers freely. Sometimes I missed the days when Ma Bell controlled the world. As I waited patiently I looked over to the couch in the corner of the office. I smiled noting that Allison had made good on her promise and cleaned her side of the office. That alone should irk good old Stan. I finished with the telephone company and made my next call to the cable company. This call did not go as smoothly. Unlike the telephone company there was only one option in certain areas as to who could be your cable provider. The problem came from trying to set up a time. With my schedule we could not agree since they came between the scheduled time and hell freezing over. Frustrated knowing that taking an entire day off at the start of the semester during your first week on the job was very unwise. Allison finally came to the rescue when she shouted over the partition that Mrs. Giavanni could let them in. I shouted my thanks to her and set up an appointment. I knew that my meager belongings would be more than safe under Mrs. Giavanni’s watchful eye.

I hung up and listened to Allison chatting on the telephone to someone in what sounded like French. I sat there twirling my pencil and debated on whether or not to call Peter. I really should call him after all we had not spoken in weeks. What would I say to him? “Hi sweetheart how is work going? Oh by the way I almost cheated on you last night. Oh yeah and I might be gay. What is new with you?” Twenty-four hours ago my only problems consisted of finding a suitable apartment for Peter and myself and beating Allison at tennis. Granted now those problems were history. I found an apartment that was far from suitable for two people and playing tennis with Allison was no longer what I had in mind. “And just who is she speaking French to?”

“Au revoir et n’oubliez pas de me donner un coup de fil.” Allison finished and hung up the telephone.

“I wonder what that means? The Au revoir is pretty simple but … way to focus Stephanie! Stop eavesdropping and call your boyfriend!” My hands were shaking as I dialed the familiar number. “What is wrong with me I am almost thirty three years old. I have a PHD in early American history. I have written five books on the hidden secrets of this nation’s history. So why am I sitting here with sweaty palms terrified at the prospect of talking to my boyfriend of almost six years? This is insane! Maybe hearing his voice will help put things in perspective? Maybe he is busy and I will get his voice mail? Coward!”

“Peter Burton.” He answered cheerfully.

“Damn! I mean Hi Honey.” Smooth Blondie! I watched as Allison made a sudden departure from the office stopping at the coffee table located just outside of our office. Maureen joined her and the two began what seemed to be an animated conversation.

“Steffi Sweetheart!” Peter’s voice beamed through the receiver. “It is so good to finally hear your voice. I was beginning to think that you didn’t love me anymore.”

I could tell that he was teasing but that did not stop the guilt from stabbing at my heart. “I miss you too.” I lied. As the words left my lips it looked as if Allison was about to reenter the office. She turned quickly and rejoined Maureen. “I found an apartment.” I continued realizing that I was about to hurt two very dear people. “But there is some bad news.”

“What is it?” He said quietly.

“Well Peter you see it is like this …” I hesitated unsure of just what to tell him. “It is a studio.” I said quickly knowing that there was no way I was going to do this over the telephone. “It is much too small for two people.” I ended quickly.

“That is it?” Peter laughed. “You worry about the strangest things. Look I will see it when I come up in a few weeks for our anniversary. If it is too small then it still isn’t a problem. I am being transferred to Providence and maybe by the time I move we can find something together. Maybe someplace between Haven and Rhode Island. I know it will be a commute for both of us. We should think about getting you a car.”

“But I agreed to rent it at least until the end of the semester.” I argued.

“Sweetheart that is not a problem. I’m not leaving here until the end of the year. And who knows maybe by then I could probably hook up with a company in Boston or Cambridge. There is a lot of new tech companies starting up in Lynnfield and New Hampshire, which would be closer to Haven so I could start looking there.” He was so comforting and so willing to do anything to make me happy.

“Peter you love working for Syntak.” I protested.

“I love you more.” He added. “Great more guilt! How could I have betrayed him so easily?”

To make matter worse while Peter continued his end of the conversation filling me in on what was happening in his life and how much he missed me, I was ogling Allison as she was talking to Maureen. Everything about her set me on fire. How could I be doing this? Here I am talking casually to Peter while I am lusting after Allison. “Can’t blame the tequila this time.” I needed to sort this out. I was not going to tell him anything until I was positive and I won’t do it on the telephone. He deserved better then that.

Peter and I had been friends at UConn. even though he was a few years older than myself. After I went on to Yale we stayed friends. Then when my Grandmother became ill he was the only one that was really there for me. When she past away it was Peter who held me together. He helped with all of the arrangements and took care of me. It was then that I began to see this shy dark haired boy with big brown puppy dog eyes in a new light. After the few family and friends left the house the day we buried her he sat up with me and held me as I cried myself to sleep. Then He helped sell the house and settle my Grandmother’s affairs. When everything was finished I took him to dinner to thank him for all he had done.

It was on that night that we kissed for the first time and he has been the man in my life ever since. He was the perfect choice even if a part of me felt as if something was missing. On our first anniversary together He finally confessed to me that he had been in love with me for years but lacked the courage to say anything. I remembered how adorable he was while admitting to the truth. The poor guy turned every shade of red imaginable. It was at that moment that I decided that this was the man I was going to marry. Everything seemed perfect until last night. I suddenly wished my Grandmother were still alive. I needed her now more than ever. She had been the one constant in my life. Is that what Peter was? Did he simply step into her shoes as my guiding light?

If my Grandmother were still alive would I be with Peter? And if that dear sweet very conservative very Irish Catholic lady were still with me what would she say about my current situation? “That would not be pretty! I have a feeling that Peter’s reaction isn’t going to be any better.” Poor Peter. He waited for me all of those years and now I do nothing but take him for granted. Here He is ready to leave a job that he loves just to be with me. Would I do the same for him? What about Peter was my only attraction to him that he is the complete opposite of my Father?

“Stephanie?” Peter voice called to me. I apologized quickly lying about a bad connection. I informed him that my telephone would be hooked up tomorrow and I gave him the number. Then I lied once again and told him how much I was looking forward to seeing him. As I hung up the telephone I felt like a complete fraud. My brilliant life plan had not taken into account that sometimes life has plans of it’s own. I have been forcing myself to change who I am to fit some kind of ideal of who I should be. All the while telling myself that I was happy.