Was I happy? The twenty million dollar question. I told myself I was. But that was before Maureen walked into that seminar I was teaching and made me an offer I could not refuse. Prior to Maureen’s offer I had been actively pursuing a position at Brown. I had taught a seminar there and the faculty was impressed. But there weren’t any openings at that time. If I had just gotten the position at Brown everything would have been perfect. Peter could have transferred and we would have gotten married and started a family. Everything would have been just fine. Until the day the truth would have forced it’s way out. Then what would I have done? This is bad enough but at least I found out now. I suddenly realized what I had just admitted to myself. This wasn’t about Allison or Peter. This was about me. I was not making a decision. I was simply accepting the truth. The problem was that the truth was screwing everything up.
“Stephanie?” Maureen called to me bringing me back to reality or as close to it as I can get at this moment. “Time for the staff meeting.” She informed me. I followed Maureen and Allison to Bradley Hall. There was a large gathering in one of the lecture halls. Maureen had thoughtfully arranged for food services to set up an array of coffee and Danish. It was a welcome treat just the thing I needed to take my mind off of everything. I eagerly helped myself to a large cup of coffee and an apple Danish. I searched for Allison only to discover her surrounded by a large group of people.
Over come with shyness I was suddenly the new kid at school once again. There I was standing on the outside while everyone else gathered in his or her own little groups. I was horrified to see Allison do the same. “So much for the we can still be friends chat we had this morning. Was it my phone call to Peter? I know she must have heard me tell him that I missed him. Was that it? Of course it was. How two faced I must have seemed. But she didn’t understand. I owe him. Peter is a decent man. Why should I have to explain this to her? More importantly why do I feel that I should?”
I look around to find a place to seat myself. I looked hopefully towards Allison but she did not seem to notice me. I could not help but notice that mostly women surrounded her. One in particular was an older very attractive woman with dark skin and a slight hint of gray in her hair. I noticed her because she was overly friendly towards Allison. “Great now I am jealous. Last night I discover lust and today I am awaken to jealousy and envy.” Years of keeping my emotions in check had come crashing down and I was exposed. I also felt like a major dork standing there with my coffee and Danish with nowhere to go. I was forced to take the only seat available. I sat next to Stan. With his twelve-year-old tweed suit, graying hair and wire rimmed glasses, Stan was the portrait of a history professor. I said good morning to him and he simply grunted in reply. I could not help looking over my shoulder to see Allison. She was laughing at something the older woman had said.
“How are you surviving?” Stan asks finally.
“What?” I question him surprised that the man had spoken to me.
“How are you surviving sharing office space with Kendell?” He snarled as he spoke her name. “She is such a fraud.”
“Allison and I are getting along very well thank you.” I snap injured by his assessment of Allison. Of course it seems odd defending her while she was sitting on the other side of the room and I was stuck there with Stan. Stan was possibly the most boring person on the face of the earth.
“Just be careful.” Stan warned me.
“What do you mean?”
“Well you never know with those people.” He cautioned me.
Those people! Is that what I was afraid of? Being labeled. “You know Stan… I know that your specialty is early American history … but you really should take a look at this century.” I snarled at him.
“All I am saying …” He began to argue obliviously put off by my tone.
“Stan!” I cut him off. “I’m not interested.”
Thankfully Maureen chose that moment to begin and walked up to the podium. Everyone greeted her with applause. “Suck ups.” Maureen laughed. Maureen proceeded to give her speech. I could tell by the looks of my fellow faculty members that this particular speech has been heard more than once. Maureen explained that this was the last time the entire faculty would meet as a whole during the semester. The department was divided by several different classifications ranging from time periods and geographical interest. Maureen went on to remind everyone of the constant cross over that would occur within our department as well as with other departments and that teamwork was the key. Then she listed accomplishments of the staff who had published or received awards during the past semester. Then she reminded everyone of the old academic rule of survival publish or perish. I noticed that she was looking directly at Allison as she said this.
Maureen also reminded us not to abuse the interns and TA’s since they were here to learn. Then she introduced me as the newest member of the department. She listed all of my accomplishments etc. Everyone seemed impressed. Everyone except Allison. I stood and received a very warm round of applause as my new peers greeted me. Maureen concluded the meeting with a reminder that the department’s basketball team the relics still needed positions filled. She assured us that this would be the year that we would finally beat the English department. She looked once again to Allison who simply raised a single eyebrow with a questioning look. “Basketball huh? I always did well with that sport and others. My only hold back was I could never play for my school since my age never matched my grade level. This might be a nice diversion. Then again a little one on one practice sessions with a certain tall dark history professor could certainly be enjoyable.”
The room emptied quickly and Allison was nowhere to be found. Dejected I walked back to my office alone. I found Allison and Maureen in a heated conversation. Not wanting to interrupt, I busied myself at the coffee station. I tried not to listen but my close proximity and their raised voices made it impossible.
“Allison I want to see you make tenure.” Maureen scolded her.
“So I do.” Allison defended herself.
“What about Stanford?” Maureen pushed.
“Nothing is definite yet.” Allison sighed. “It would be a seven week seminar with a promise to our Dean that I will return. But I will miss the spring semester here. It would be good for my resume.”
“Think about it.” Maureen pushed harder. “You need something like this. You also need to publish.”
“I know.” Allison groaned.
“You could work with Stephanie.” Maureen suggested. “Her specialty is the American Civil War. You are always talking about doing something on your family history.”
“Stephanie must have a very full plate already.” Allison argued.
“Is there a problem? I told you that I want the two of you to get along.”
“Oh we are.” Allison replied in a dry tone. Her deep contralto voice sent shivers down my spine.
It was time to save Allison. I walked in pretending to be oblivious to the tension. I carried in two cups of coffee both black and set one down on Allison’s desk. “Thanks for leaving me with Stan.” I teased her. I was not prepared for the fiery blue stare I received in return.
“You left her with Stan!” Maureen chastised her. “Didn’t you just tell me that the two of you were getting along?”
“Don’t worry we are.” I replied with a false air of calmness. “So long as you don’t leave me with Stan again.”
I was surprised when Allison simply turned to her desk without saying a word. “Stephanie do you play basketball?” Maureen asked out of the blue. “No.” I lied. Suddenly I had lost interest in the game. Allison’s coldness left me feeling vacant.