“Well back then I was lawyer Barbie.” Allison explained with touch of sadness. “I worked very hard to fit that image. And I did. Except for the gay part.”
“Did you ever try to hide it at work?”
“Never.” Allison said firmly. “Chris and I started at Wainwright and Griggs at the same time and she was all hung up on people not knowing. But that was the one thing that I refused to compromise on. Granted I didn’t rent a billboard in Times Square. But I never lied about my homosexuality. When I left I was on my way to becoming a named partner. But I never kidded myself. Deep down I knew that it was my name more than my talent. Maybe that is why I wasn’t afraid of being out in a very conservative law firm.”
“It was nice of you to help Vince out.” I said trying to keep the conversation going. I knew that there was something she was not telling me. It amazed me that after such a short period of time I felt as if I really knew this woman.
“He is a good kid.” Allison replied simply. “I just wanted to see him start off on the right track. Jessica’s firm is a good place to start. She does a lot of probono and women’s rights cases not to mention her constant battles with the slumlords in New York. Firms like hers will help him keep focused.” She paused for a moment and swallowed hard. This was it! I knew that she was finally ready to tell me what was troubling her. “Stephanie, there is something else I need to explain to you … about why I was …”
“Allison!” A voice called out to her. I turned to see the older woman from this morning’s staff meeting approaching us. “This town is just way too small!”
“Hello Ruth.” Allison greeted the woman warmly. I on the other hand just sat there quietly thinking, “Go away! Go away! Go away!”
“Can you tell it is the start of the semester?” Ruth laughed as she looked around at all of the people crammed into the small ice cream pallor. “Hello we haven’t had a chance to meet I am Ruth Steiner.” She said as offered her hand to me.
“Stephanie Grant.” I answered accepting her hand. “Now go away!”
“Ruth’s specialty is the effects and defects of the American Constitution.” Allison explained to me before turning her attention back to Ruth. “How is Emily?” Allison asked. “Please don’t let Emily be her daughter!”
“She is good. Right now she is at a conference in San Diego.” Ruth sighed sadly. I on the other hand smiled. “Yes she has a girlfriend!” Ruth went on about missing her girlfriend who was due home in a few hours. I had lost interest. I just wanted this woman to leave so Allison and I could finish our conversation.
Thankfully Vince arrived with our ice cream. Allison’s sundae was a mountain of whipped cream and pineapple. My fudge boat was just that a very large boat of chocolate. I would never be able to finish it. As I sampled my first bite I moaned in pleasure. “Perhaps chocolate could be the key to help me survive celibacy?”
“Oh My!” Ruth exclaimed as she eyed our gluttonous portions.
“No need to worry I will work it off tomorrow.” Allison explained. “Are we still on for tennis?”
“If you are sure that you are up for it Allison?” Ruth questioned her with concern.
“What do you mean?” Allison snarled.
“Well Allison you look …” Ruth hesitated. ” … forgive me for saying, but you look like hell.”
“Thank you.” Allison snorted. “I’m fine. I just had a late night.”
Ruth flashed a knowing smile in my direction and before Allison could correct her she quickly said her goodbyes and was on her way. Alone once again silence overcame us. So we focused on our desserts. To my surprise we both finished the mounds of ice cream. I was beyond full. “I may never eat again.” I groaned as I rubbed my stomach. “You want a cigarette don’t you?”
“No.” Allison lied as she shook her head yes.
“We probably have some time before Vince makes it back over here with the check.” I pushed. “Why don’t you finish telling what you were going to say.”
“I don’t know.” Allison stalled.
“Allison.” I pushed again.
“Okay.” She finally agreed. “Well … like I told you before Chris and I were together we were friends for many years. Before Chris and I were involved I was with someone else.”
I braced myself fearful about what she might reveal. What if she had slept with dozens of women? How could I compete with that? Of course according to everything we had agreed upon I was not in the running for Allison’s affections. Or was I?
Allison paused for a moment and collected her thoughts. Finally she cleared her throat and began her story. It was obvious that this was a very painful subject for her to recall. “When I first moved to New York … I met this woman at a local bar. Jessica Beaumont. Jessica was older and really fascinating and the kind of lawyer that I should have been. But after eight months I discovered that she had one major character flaw.”
“Which was?” I pushed once again not certain that I really wanted to hear about this woman.
“Jessica had a memory problem.” Allison sneered. “It seems that she kept forgetting that she had a husband. I was furious when I found out. When I confronted her she made it painfully clear that it was true. She had no intention of leaving him for me because she was not a lesbian. I was just someone that she cared about. This woman managed to convince herself that she was straight. Even though I had found out that I had been one of many women in her life. Jessica is so far in the closet that she would never admit to anything. Funny here she was telling me that she was straight. But she kept an apartment in the city that her hubby did not know about so she could entertain her girlfriends. And she cruised women’s bars constantly. I was amazed at how carefully she had built a barrier around her closet door. I was also very hurt. I loved her and I thought that she loved me. When I realized that she was just using me I was devastated. I was her dirty little secret.”
“Wow.” I gasped shocked at how this woman’s mind worked. I knew that I had been kidding myself about my feelings. But next to Jessica Beaumont I was a rank amateur. “So when I showed up and came on to you. A co-worker with a boyfriend you must have wanted to douse me in holy water.”
“Trust me that is not what I wanted to do with you.” Allison teased. “Stephanie this is not about you. Last night just brought back a barrage of memories. Ones that I thought I had dealt with. And I have … . but it hurts. None of this is your fault. But I have been down this road twice already and I have no intention of treating myself like that again. Been there done that! I like my life. I love my job. Yes, I would like to meet someone but I will not lose my self respect again.”
“What if …” I started to argue.
“Don’t!” She stopped me, holding up a protesting hand. “I have already ruined one friendship and gone through a great deal of turmoil. You and I are becoming friends. You also have a boyfriend, who is probably a great guy. Whatever questions or curiosity you are fighting with … I cannot help you. I was being truthful when I told you that I do not want to confuse you any further. Plus I will let you in on a little secret. Most lesbians do not want to be another woman’s first. Out of fear that it is just experimentation or just lust not love. Maybe I am being a coward. I do not know but for now I feel that I need to be honest with you.”
“I appreciate you honesty.” I lied. I really did not appreciate the obvious line in the sand that she had so clearly drawn. How dare she decide what is best for me! I knew in my heart that I did not want just Allison’s body. I wanted her, mind, body and soul. Because Chris slept around and Jessica was a big old nut job Allison Kendell would not touch me with a ten-foot pole.