“So you lecture on the first day?”
“Of course.” She confirmed. “This isn’t Junior High.”
“I just wish that I could get my students involved the way that you do.” I stated with regret.
“I’m sure that you can.” She said honestly. “Your books are exciting and you are a bright intelligent woman. I’m sure that you will get through to them.”
Allison stood to refill our coffee cups. I watched her as she moved. There was something about this woman’s presence that made me insane. Maybe it was her long dark hair or the way she would tilt her head just slightly when she was about to say something. Then again maybe it is the baby doll T-shirt that is clinging to her breast. “I have got it bad.”
“Speaking of books…” I started as she reentered the room hoping to distract myself. “Thank you again for Haley’s journal.”
“You are welcome.”
“Yeah, it was just what I need to reading right now.” I added in a sarcastic tone.
“What do you mean?” Allison responded in confusion.
“Nothing. It just that I spent years dreaming of reading this woman’s diary.” I shake my head at the irony I was about to reveal. “And when I finally get the chance to read it … I am swimming in a pool of sexual confusion. So what do I find on the very first page … two women kissing!”
“I’m sorry.” Allison blushed as she spoke. “I never looked at it that way. I always found the romance to be sweet. But I must admit I was always grateful she never got graphic. After all she is my Great Great Grandmother and the idea of intimacy is well … you know … yuck. It is like thinking about my parents doing it.” Allison shuddered at the last comment.
“Now come on Professor Kendell.” I laughed. “How did you think your parents got you?”
“Don’t!” She warned me. “My parents never had sex.”
“Allison your parents had three children.” I pointed out.
“They never had sex.”
“Allison if you want I can book you on a trip down a certain river in Egypt. I’m pretty certain that I have built up frequent flier miles by now.” I know that I shouldn’t tease her but she was just too cute when she was flustered. “As for Haley’s diary, she may not have been graphic but there is some pretty hot stuff in that old diary.”
“What are you saying?” She pried.
“I guess what I am trying to say is that it wasn’t the tequila.” I replied quietly hoping that maybe she would not hear me. By the stunned expression on her face I knew that she had. “Since that night I have been reviewing my life and there were so many woman and girls that I had such obvious crushes on. I cannot believe that I never saw it before. The other night was like a bright neon sign telling me it was time to wake up.”
“Wow!” Allison gasped. “That has to be the quickest coming out in history.”
“Not really.” I sighed deeply. “It took me thirty three years to stop lying to myself even though I had experimented more than a little in the past.” Allison cast a knowing smirk and flashed those baby blues at me. “When did you come out?”
“Which time?” She laughed.
“What do you mean?” I asked in bewilderment.
“Let’s see first there was this girl in High School.” She admitted shyly. “While we were together I came out to myself and my sister. Then after we stopped messing around I managed to convince myself that it was just her and I started dating this boy named Kenny.”
“You are kidding?” I was shocked. Allison seemed so at ease with her sexuality.
“Hey I have the prom pictures to prove it.” She joked. “Then the summer after High School he came out. Then I went out with another guy, Ralph. I think he was seeing Kenny on the side. Then there was Paul and he also turned out to be gay. Then I went to College.”
“Wellesley.” I added.
“Nothing but women.” She laughed. “After half a semester of trying to convince myself that I had not met the right guy I had an affair with this girl. That was it I finally came out. To myself and my friends and family. I have been with women ever since.”
“Were there many?” I asked not really wanting to know the answer.
“Yes.” She answered honestly. “Before New York I played the field. Which is funny because when I was dating guys I managed to keep my virginity. “
“That’s because they were all gay.” I laughed. “And correct me if I am wrong but hadn’t you already lost your virginity to that girl in High School?”
“True.” Allison confessed. “The subconscious is an amazing thing.”
“Tell me about it.” I agreed. “I’m with Peter because he is safe. My father ran around on my Mother and I knew that Peter would never chase after another woman. I never stopped to think that I might. Why did I never let myself see myself?”
“Are you sure about this?” Allison questioned me in a very serious tone. “It seems so sudden?”
“It isn’t.” I answered honestly. It was amazing up until a few moments ago I was still telling myself that I was confused. Or at least I thought I was confused. But there I was ready to say it and knowing that it was the truth. “Allison I am gay.” A wave of relief washed over me. It felt so good to finally say it. “And even if I wasn’t a Jan Brady girl leaving Peter is the right thing to do. I am not in love with him.” “Wow that was so easy! But now how do you tell her that you think you are falling in love with her? I am? Of course I am. Come on no more hiding.”
I reached across the sofa and touched her lightly on the thigh. Now was the time to tell her everything. She seemed to sense what I was about to say she leaned closer to me. I moved my body closer to hers. I could feel my heart beating out of control. I never wanted to kiss anyone so badly. I felt her strong fingers gently caressing my cheek. I tilted my head up as she leaned down towards me. I could feel her breath on my face. I swallowed hard knowing what I wanted. The telephone rang breaking the spell. Damn it! Allison jumped up and closed her eyes. I watched as her back tensed. She paused for a moment and excused herself to answer the annoying ring. The moment had passed. I stood and brought my coffee cup into the kitchen. It was time for me to leave. As I approached her bedroom door I could hear the tension in Allison’s voice. “That is not my problem Chris.” It was then I decided that I could stay awhile longer. “I do not understand.” I heard Allison protest. “Well you are the lawyer … I know that I still am … but only in the technical sense.”
I mentally slapped myself for eavesdropping and made my way back into the living room. While Allison continued her conversation my mind bounced back to what almost happened between us and the fact that she was now talking to her ex-girlfriend. Allison finally emerged from her bedroom. She was visibly upset. “I’m sorry about that.” She apologized and then stood there awkwardly. “Timing is everything.” She muttered to herself.
“Problem?” I asked finally.
“Nothing important.” I could tell that she was lying.
“It is amazing.” I said shortly. “How do you do that? How do you just shut down like that?” How could you be ready to kiss me one moment than turn to ice the next?
“Stephanie …” She began as she closed her eyes once again. “… look I think it is great that you are coming to terms with everything …”
“But.” I added knowing that it was coming. She looked at me with a startled expression. Then her face grew cold.
“But there is still a guy out there sending his girlfriend flowers.” She finished bluntly.