Later that evening I returned home alone. As I stepped up onto the porch I could hear the Kendell sisters bantering just outside of Allison’s apartment door. “Nicole did you listen to anything I said at lunch today?” Allison’s voice rang out in frustration.
“Yes.” Nicole responded calmly. “Did you?”
“What is that suppose to mean?”
“Allison I let you rant and rave about this tired ass list you have for why you should stay away. Frankly if you believed any of it you wouldn’t need to keep saying it. I would like to add that maybe you need to have an operation to remove that stick that is so firmly shoved up your …”
“Nicole!”
“The truth hurts?” Nicole added gently. “Ally I love you but you are driving yourself insane over this. I listened to all of your excuses. I also saw the way you looked at the girl.”
“News flash little sister. I’m a lesbian she is an attractive woman I checked her out. Big surprise!” Allison argued.
“That wasn’t lust I saw in your eyes.” Nicole countered. “Well not just lust. Allison you are very lucky she had her back to you when you entered the room. I never thought I would see you look at someone like that. I’m happy for you. Why can’t you allow yourself to be happy too? I understand your track record hasn’t been great.”
“Better than yours.” Allison shot back.
“Liz Taylor has a better track record than I do.” Nicole teased. “Of course she has been married fewer times than I have. Allison stop taking care of everyone but yourself. You have worked so damn hard to get to this point in your life. Take the next step. She isn’t Chris or Jessica and she is certainly not Brenda. And frankly not a one of them deserved you. I like this girl and so do you.”
I was touched by Nicole’s endorsement. Granted I was only assuming that it was me they were discussing. I suddenly became very aware that I was once again eavesdropping. I stepped into the hallway and made presence known. “Hi.” I called out sheepishly to the approaching pair. “Hi.” Nicole responded in a surprised tone.
“Hey you are just getting home?” Allison smiled at me.
“Wait you live downstairs?” Nicole laughed uncontrollably. Allison nudged her sister. “What? You going to call me a bastard again?” Allison held up a finger in warning, silencing Nicole.
“I’m going to drive this idiot to the train station.” Allison explained. “Unless you want to change your mind and let me drive you home?” Allison asked warmly.
“The train is fine.” Nicole responded gently.
“You know if you let me help you get your driver’s license back you wouldn’t need to take the train.” Allison pushed.
“I don’t know.” Nicole began hesitantly. “That judge was very clear that he would see to it that the Commonwealth would never grant me another drivers license while I was still breathing. At least I think that is what he said, I was pretty loaded during my hearing.”
“I’m sorry I missed that one.” Allison groaned.
“Well my DUI hearings were like my weddings. If you missed one you could always catch the next one.” Nicole teased.
“Nikki …” Allison began sadly.
“Hey I need to face what I did.” Nicole said firmly suddenly looking much older than her sister. “You can’t save me. I’m the only one who can. This is the way it works.”
“I hate it.” Allison grumbled.
“I know.” Nicole sighed. “Now if we are done sharing with the neighbors I have a train to catch.”
“Come on.” Allison conceded.
“Bye Stephanie.” Nicole addressed me. Then she pulled me aside and whispered, “Good luck. Just remember she isn’t as strong as she thinks she is.”
“Thanks.” I whispered in response as she pulled away.
Allison looked at us suspiciously. “Come on.” Nicole ordered.
“Uh huh.” Was Allison’s only response as she eyed the both of us.
I watched the siblings bickering as they strolled over to Allison’s car. Suddenly I was relieved that I had been an only child. Personally I don’t think I could have survived that kind of stress on a day-to-day basis. Two things were clear. One was that deep down Allison and Nicole adored each other. The other was that Nicole was definitely in my corner. The only question was … would Allison listen to her? I was exhausted. Normally I would have waited for Allison’s return. But tonight I think that maybe she needed time to think about what Nicole had said. I showered and put on my favorite flannel pajamas and crawled into bed. I was fast asleep before I knew it. My dreams were filled with visions of a certain dark haired beauty.
CHAPTER NINE
September passed slowly, and with autumn approaching the leaves were beginning to turn. Fall in New England; there is simply nothing else like it in the world. You could smell the changing of the season in the air. It would soon be October and I have been working side by side with Allison mostly in silence. Every time she would open up she would quickly retreat further back. I knew that a part of it was that I had yet to break up with Peter. I knew that I needed to end things with him. I also knew that I would need to face him when I did it. I just could not stand the thought of seeing him hurt. So I never drove down to see him as I had promised. I had postponed the inevitable. Now our anniversary was here and he was coming. This was the wrong time to do this. Could I spend the weekend with him just to spare his feelings? God could I be that much of a hypocrite?
Breaking up with Peter was something that I never thought I would ever consider doing. I was not in love with him and worst of all I had never been in love with him. My declaration to Allison was the truth. I am a lesbian. I no longer held any doubts about this. I noticed women everywhere, not just Allison. But Allison was the one who had captured my heart. Not that it mattered since she still made it abundantly clear that she was not interested. Of course, I was also at a loss as to how I was going to tell Peter. “I mean just how does one leave their long time boyfriend because they have come to terms with their latent homosexuality? Face it, Hallmark does not have a card for this one.”
Well at least the book was going well. I had since finished reading Haley’s journal. Her life was so captivating. Eleanor had served bravely at Gettysburg, and after being wounded the two married. A bold decision but one that did provide Haley with respectability. They saw little of each other during the war but each time was memorable. As I read of their endless devotion and love it would fill me with desire. I often found myself laying awake at night wondering what would happen if I dared to climb up the staircase to Allison’s door. Would she be there with open arms or would she simply slam the door in my face?
I sat in my little study in Allison’s apartment. I was reviewing notes for our book while Allison was downstairs in the kitchen making coffee. It felt so comfortable to share this tiny space with her even if our conversations over the past month had been brief. It seemed that Allison was determined not to take her sister’s advice. She was getting very good at avoiding spending time with me. She was always busy with one thing or another. At first I simply tried to convince myself that Allison had a full life long before I walked through her door, but lately her excuses were getting a little flimsy. You would think that someone with such a fine education would be a little more creative!
I was finished with my work for the evening, yet I was hesitant to leave. I knew that I should return to my own apartment, but still I was unwilling. I decided to reread some of my favorite passages from Haley’s journal. I always found the passages from Gettysburg enthralling so I settled in and began with those.