“I didn’t know that it showed.” I answered as I placed a tip on the bar.
“You know you might want to come in on a Thursday night.” Daisy suggested softly.
“Thursday?” I responded. “Isn’t that gay night. Oh … how did you know?”
“Oh please honey.” Daisy laughed. “You’re not fooling this queen with those Doris Day looks of yours. Of course from what I heard about Doris.” He teased.
I just laughed as I sipped my water. I only had the one drink that night but I wanted to be completely lucid for my talk with Peter. He returned with our coats and we said our goodbyes. I took his keys from him and we stepped out into the cold autumn air. Neither of us spoke as we walked back to the parking garage. The drive home was silent as well. As we crossed over the town line into Haven Peter finally spoke. “Is there someone else?” He asked in a strained voice.
“No.” I answered. “And yes.”
“What the hell does that mean?” He snapped.
“I have met someone.” I tried to explain. “But that isn’t why I’m …”
“Dumping me.” He snapped. “It’s true you’re leaving me aren’t you?”
“Peter, I’m sorry.” I said quietly.
“I don’t understand Stephanie.” He was bitter. “Are you … have you slept with him?”
“Oh boy! Of course he would assume it was a man.” Life can offer you so many options to a situation. Now of course I could have just told him everything right then and there and let everything hit the fan all at once. Or I could do what I did. Not lie but not tell the entire truth. Somehow I thought it would be easier on him if I just skipped over the most important reason why I was letting him go. “No.” I answered with some degree of honesty. “The truth is that I’m not in love with you.” Okay it was the truth but not the whole truth.
“Don’t say that!” He shouted.
I was thrown by his anger as we pulled up in front of the house I received a second shock. Courtney’s car was parked out in front. Peter and I just sat in the car each of us lost in our own thoughts. Finally he ripped off his seat belt and sprang out of car slamming the door behind him. I jumped out quickly. “Peter?” I pleaded.
“What!” He shouted.
“Please don’t.” I begged him.
“Don’t be angry!” He bellowed.
I just stared at him. “Let’s go inside and talk okay?” I offered calmly. He slumped his shoulders and nodded mutely. As we entered my apartment we were greeted by the obvious sounds of someone having sex. “Well at least your friends are having a good time.” He said bitterly.
“What do you mean?” I asked in horror.
He just gave me a knowing look and pointed to the ceiling. The sounds were most definitely coming from upstairs. There exact location was unfamiliar to me. It couldn’t be Allison! Why would she? But then again Courtney’s car is parked out front. I tried to dismiss the sounds as Peter shrugged off his coat. I just stood there with my hands in my pockets unable to focus on the events unfolding around me. I was jolted out of my musings by the sounds of laughter coming from Allison’s apartment. “I’ll make us some coffee.” I offered weakly.
I removed my coat and went into my kitchen. As I prepared the coffee I was relieved that the sounds from upstairs had ceased. “Had I wait too long? Or was this just some sort of game to her?”
“Stephanie?” Peter’s voice brought me back to reality. “Please tell me what I did to make you fall out of love with me?”
I turned to him slowly. “Oh Peter it’s nothing you did.” I answered him gently. “The truth is that I was never in love with you.” I swallowed hard as I watched his face turn pale. “What?” He gasped as sat down on the futon. He looked as if someone had just hit him hard. I went to him and knelt beside him. “That’s a lie.” He said in a daze. “I’m sorry.” I said softly. “It’s true. I love you as a friend. Peter you are my best friend. But I should have never let it go beyond that. This is my fault.”
“Never?” Peter said absently. “I don’t believe you.”
“I’m sorry.” I repeated over and over again. My heart was breaking for what I was putting him through. But I knew that if I stayed with him that I would be doing something far crueler than what I was doing now.
“Was it the sex?” He asked sincerely. “I knew that you never seemed comfortable with it. Was that it?”
“No.” I lied and I told him the truth. How could I explain to him that I spent my entire life thinking that sex was not something that interested me? But now just one look from Allison and I felt alive. “Peter I used you. I was so determined not to end up like my Mother that I lost sight of what my heart really wanted. I thought our friendship was enough.”
“When did all of this happen?” He was stunned. “I knew that something was wrong. You kept blowing me off and I had chase you down just to get you to talk on the telephone. When we did talk you were so distant. I thought maybe I was smothering you and then I thought maybe you were feeling neglected. I’ve struggling for months trying to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong? Stephanie when did I loose you?”
“I knew how I really felt not long after I moved here.” I answered suddenly feeling ashamed.
“I don’t understand?” He stammered. “Then why did you wait so long to tell me?”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” I offered weakly.
“You didn’t want to hurt me?” He responded in a bewilder tone. “The only way you were going to do that was by not doing this. This is breaking my heart.”
“I don’t want that.” I cried. “I never wanted that. I wish there was someway I could undo all of this.”
“You can.” He pleaded with an odd sense forcefulness to his voice. “Stay with me. We can work this out. I know that you must have been in love with me once.”
“Oh Peter no.” I cried. “It’s over.”
We talked for hours while Peter made a few more attempts for a second chance. When the sun came up we were both exhausted. When it was time for him to leave I hoped that he had finally accepted that it was over between us. I had explained that I was afraid that I would lose his friendship. He told me he needed time to work this out. Reluctantly he left my apartment just before seven am. I stood in the driveway and waved goodbye to him. I prayed that it would not be the last time I saw him.
I turned to go back into the house when Courtney bouncing down the staircase greeted me. “Morning!” She giggled. “Rough night?” She asked pointing to the dress I was still wearing from last night. I tried to ignore her as I went to my apartment door. “So where’s Peter?” She smirked.
“He’s gone.” I said sadly.
“I see.” She answered. “Well I’m off. I guess I’ll be seeing you around.”
I spun around and gave the child a icy glare. “What’s that suppose to mean?” I snapped.
“What do you think?” She purred and nodded towards the upstairs and then cast a wink in my direction. “We should be quiet Allison is still sleeping. I’m afraid we didn’t get much sleep last night.” She boasted.
“Bitch.” I muttered under my breath and tried to retreat into my apartment.
“Really?” She responded coolly having caught my comment. “I’m a bitch. Forgive me but I wasn’t the drooling over someone else’s date yesterday. Tell me something Stephanie did your boyfriend take off because he finally figured out that it was Allison you wanted.”
“Where do you get off?” I snarled.
“Listen lady.” Courtney cut me to the quick. “I don’t know what your deal is. And I don’t care. All I do know is I’m the one who spent the night with Allison. What did you think would happen? That maybe she’d be willing to date you and Peter?”