“Peter and I are not together anymore.” I shot back. Why was I telling her this?
“Well isn’t that convenient.” She mocked me. “Whatever. Like I said I’ll be seeing you around. I’ll just make sure I keep plenty of clothes here just incase you decide to toss another drink at me. I didn’t miss a thing yesterday. So just back off blondie.” Having made her position clear she bounced out of the front door and was on her way.
I stormed into the apartment and slamming the door behind me. I stripped off my clothing and threw myself onto the futon and let the tears flow. I pulled my knees to chest and wept uncontrollably. “It couldn’t be true!” I cried over and over again until sleep finally claimed me. My dreams were a confusing stream of images. Allison kissing me. Allison kissing Courtney. Peter laughing at me. I was jolted out of my slumber by the sounds of music blaring from Allison’s apartment. I shivered from the cold as I realized that I had been sleeping naked on top of the bed. I dragged myself into the shower. I found no solace from the steamy water. None of this made any sense. I gave up and stepped out of the shower. I looked into the mirror. The sight of myself shocked me. I looked like Monday morning in Hell. My face was bloated; my eyes were puffy and red. Disgusted by the sight I slumped out of the bathroom. Grabbing a pair sweat pants and a T-shirt. I doubt that either were very clean. I dressed and debated on making a pot of coffee or simply going back to bed.
I looked at the clock noticing that it was after one in the afternoon. Allison never slept this late. “Was Courtney telling the truth? Had they slept together?” This just isn’t adding up. Was Allison capable of making out with me one moment and then bedding another woman the next? From everything I thought I knew about Allison it seemed out of character for her. Then how do you explain Courtney spending the night? And Allison sleeping in? Then there were the sounds of passion that had greeted Peter and myself last night when we entered my apartment. They had definitely been coming from upstairs.
Peter! The thought of how badly I had hurt him tugged at me. At least I finally did the right thing and let him go. Perhaps if I hadn’t wait so long I would have gotten the girl. Now it would seem that it was too late. There was a gentle knock on the door. I realized that the music was gone. I opened the door and found Allison smiling down at me. Suddenly I felt sick. Her face dropped at the sight of me. “Are you all right?” She asked tenderly.
“I’m fine.” I lied. I noted that I was becoming very good at lying lately.
“Are you sure?” She questioned me in disbelief as she reached for my hand.
I jerked away from her violently. I could not bare the thought of her touching me. “I said that I’m fine.” I snapped back bitterly. Her eyes widen in shock at my outburst. “Stephanie?” She whispered as she reached for me once again. I pulled away from her touch. “What is it?” She asked in a fearful voice.
“Look I just want to be alone right now.” I flared. My heart skipped a beat as I saw the pain reflected in her eyes. “I broke up with Peter last night.” I explained hoping that she would just leave.
“Is there anything I can do?” She offered. “Do you want to talk?” She reached out to me again and tried to step into the apartment. I blocked her way without allowing her to touch me. “How can she be so callus?”
“I just want to be alone right now.” I repeated as I clenched my fists.
“Are you sure?” She asked with such sweetness that I almost believed her.
“Yes.” I answered firmly.
“Well … all right then.” She said hesitantly. “I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.” Reluctantly she turned from my doorway and walked away. I slammed the door behind her. I tried to hold myself together but it was useless. I sobbed and crawled into bed. In the past twenty-four hours I had probably cried more than I had my entire life. There was no stopping the tears. The pain seemed unbearable.
I hated myself for being so weak. I hated her for making me fall in love with her. With each tear that fell I whispered her name and asked myself ‘why?’ Over and over again.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I know that the road to true love can sometimes be a rocky path. But this was ridiculous! Over the course of the next few weeks I felt as if I had lost all sense of reality. It all began on that first Monday. Allison had been very friendly that morning. She knocked on my door and offered me a cup of coffee and a ride to work. Since my emotions were still on edge and my ego was bruised despite the frigid temperatures outside I declined. Allison seemed hurt by my indifference. But I stuck to my guns. I had decided that mooning over Allison was not helping my situation any. It was time that I put some distance between us. Admittedly Allison had made every attempt to talk to me. This time I was the one who was putting up walls. I couldn’t help myself. I was hurt. No matter how many times I reasoned that I had no claims on Allison and she was free to sleep with whomever she wanted to, I felt betrayed.
I also felt some confusion as to whether I had jumped into all of this far too quickly. Was being gay what I really wanted? Is this who I really am? Then I would look back on the women in my life and what I had shared with Allison and Gigi. This was the road I was meant to travel. Still at times I had my doubts. Then I would see Allison and I knew how my heart felt. If only she could feel the same for me.
Matters were not being helped any by little Courtney’s constant visits at night. I suppressed my overwhelming desire to wipe that smug expression off of her cute little face. I had to remind myself that the little tramp was right. She was the one who had shared Allison’s bed on Halloween and not me. I just kept distancing myself from Allison as much as I possibly could. No easy task since we shared an office and I lived downstairs from her. It didn’t help that we also had a book to finish. We did manage to get some work done. At my insistence we only worked on it while we were on campus. I had no desire to find myself working late with Allison in her apartment. Now I only use my study in her apartment when Allison is not around. Her absences are becoming more and more frequent. I assumed that she had been spending her nights with Courtney. For the past week Allison would return home just before dawn clad in clothing from the previous day.
That first Thursday after Halloween I took a bold step and went to the Galaxy. I took the train into town and arrived very early. Since I was one of the first people to arrive I seated myself at Teresa Raven’s bar. The place was deserted. I began to wonder if I was wasting my time. Teresa took pity on me and explained that the crowd didn’t start coming in until at least eleven o’clock. This presented a slight problem. Even though Boston is a major city its public transportation system left a great deal to be desired. If I wanted to catch the last train back to Haven I would need to leave the nightclub no later than 11:30.
I told myself that it was just as well since I only wanted to check things out. As Teresa had promised the club began to fill up quickly just before eleven o’clock. I spent my time watching people dance. I even spotted a few of my students. “No wonder they are always tired on Friday mornings!” While I was watching the crowd a young girl with dark hair and thick black glasses approached me. She asked me to dance. I declined politely. She proceeded to offer to buy me a drink. I declined once again explaining that I would need to be leaving soon since I had a train to catch. She then offered me a ride. I smiled at her boldness and declined once again.