‘You forget to mention yourself. You know I’m against you doing this. If you’ve got doubts, it’s not too late to back out.’
‘But that would stil leave us with your family under threat.’
‘Yeah, it would.’
‘It’s not fair.’
‘No, but I believe we do good work when we use our gifts together. It’s worth it. No one else in the Savant Net can do quite what we do.’
I pushed up on my elbows. ‘I couldn’t live that way.’
I slid off him, sitting on the edge of the sofa. He was already half kil ing himself with the strain of his work.
He’d never said, but I would put money on him having nightmares about the things he had witnessed. What would he do when he realized I wasn’t going to stick around—that I was running scared because I feared the soulfinder thing far more than I feared Daniel Kel y?
He must have overheard an echo of my fears because he caught me by the waist to stop me putting more distance between us. ‘I want you to be happy. We’l work it out.’
No, we wouldn’t. ‘You say that now, but people do let you down, you know.’ I was trying to warn him not to invest too much in me. ‘Things change. I mean, I doubt many people stay with their high school sweethearts.’
His expression clouded. ‘You’re not being fair, Sky. I’ve sensed for a few days now that you’re shaken up by the soulfinder thing, but soulfinders have nothing in common with high school sweethearts—it goes much deeper.’
We were stil side by side but no longer moulded to each other; I only had myself to blame because I was the one who had taken a step back.
I tried to sound mature and reasonable. ‘I think I am being fair. I think I’m being realistic.’
‘Is that how you see me?’ Zed’s face hardened, reminding me he didn’t have a reputation for trouble without cause. ‘Haven’t you felt what I feel? Are you stil closing off your gift?’
Of course, I’d felt it—too much and it was scaring me. ‘I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not. I know I love you but I just can’t do this.’ I gestured between us.
‘I see.’ He sat up and moved down the far end of the sofa. ‘Wel , while you think that one out, I’l just watch the rest of the game.’
‘Zed, please. I need to talk about this.’
He floated the popcorn bowl to his lap. ‘We’ve been talking. So far we’ve established that I’m just a boy you’re dating. You’re running from the miracle that we’ve found each other.’
I wrung my hands. I hadn’t wanted to upset him but how could I not when I was fighting for my emotional survival? He didn’t understand what was at stake for me.
‘Look, Zed, my parents kil ed each other over my mother’s soulfinder. I don’t want history to repeat itself. I don’t have that kind of strength in here.’ I tapped my head.
He gave a curt nod. ‘I understand. Your mom and dad lost it, so we wil too. It doesn’t make a blind bit of sense but you probably know that. The way I see it, your parents got into problems because Fate pul ed a mean trick on them and your mom ran out on your dad when she should’ve handled finding her soulfinder more fairly. They made a mistake and you paid for it.’
I didn’t like his criticism of my mum for running. ‘I’m trying to explain how I feel, Zed.’
‘And what about how I feel, Sky?’ He pulverized a handful of popcorn, struggling to keep his temper.
‘I’d walk across burning coals for you. Hel , I walked in front of a gun for you. But is that enough to prove I love you? That you are it for me? I don’t know what more I can do.’
‘Please don’t be angry.’
‘I’m not angry. I’m disappointed.’
God, that was worse. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah, wel .’ He pretended to watch the game but I could see that his emotions were fluctuating wildly between anger and hurt.
I felt absolutely gutted by what I’d just done. He’d offered me love—it was something unique—like a Fabergé egg—which I’d proceeded to smash. To have your soulfinder reject you was like tearing yourself in two, but somehow I couldn’t help myself. I was hurting him because I was plain terrified. Like that mountaineer who cut off his own hand to save himself, pain now was better than more suffering later, wasn’t it? Oh God, was I right or just running?
Confused and scared, I switched off the television.
‘Hey!’ Zed reached for the control er.
‘Just give me a moment then you can switch it back on.’ I tucked the control er behind my back. ‘I real y am sorry. This is me—I’m not the most confident person. You said once I always act surprised when someone likes me—but it isn’t an act. I don’t expect people to like me—let alone love me. I just don’t feel that lovable and now you can see why. I suppose it’s kinda your bad luck to end up with me as a soulfinder.’
Zed ran a hand across his face and through his hair, trying to muster his thoughts. ‘I don’t blame you.’
‘I know you don’t. You’ve seen what’s inside me, warts and al .’ I gave a slightly hysterical laugh. My heart was pounding: I’d messed up big time but I couldn’t leave him thinking I didn’t have strong feelings for him. Maybe I couldn’t be what he wanted, but I could prove I loved him. ‘You said you walked in front of a gun to show that you loved me. Wel , I suppose I can only do the same for you. I’m going to Vegas tomorrow—and I’l be doing it for you.’
He shot to his feet. ‘No way!’
I chucked him the control er which he caught on reflex. ‘I’m not as sorted as you are about this savant stuff and we both have to live with that. I just can’t risk being that way with you—I don’t think I’l survive the life.’ I took a breath. ‘But Victor’s plan is the only way I can think of to give you proof that, despite my messed-up head, I do love you.’
There—I’d said my piece. I couldn’t read Zed’s response—his emotions were confused and he was ominously silent.
‘So, you can … um … get back to the game. I’m going to turn in—get an early night.’
He held out a hand to me. ‘Sky?’
‘Yes?’
‘I stil love you—more than ever. I’l wait til you’re ready.’
I felt a huge rush of guilt. I’d never be ready.
‘I don’t want you to put yourself on the line for me.’
I folded my arms. ‘Yeah, I kinda guessed that bit.’
He tugged me closer, his large hand rose to cradle the back of my head, warmth seeping through to the skin. ‘I’l talk to Victor about your worries. I’m gonna insist I come. My future sense works wel just before an event even with interference. I can help anticipate problems.’
‘From a safe distance?’
‘From a reasonable distance. Close enough to be there to help, but not so close to hand the Kel ys the advantage.’
‘OK.’ I rubbed my palm over his heart, silently apologizing for the heartache I was causing. ‘I can cope with that.’
The female FBI agent I’ d encountered months ago met me in the washrooms at McCarran airport, Las Vegas, to fit me with my wire.
‘Hi, Sky. Anya Kowalski. Remember me?’ she asked, getting out her kit.
‘Yes, of course.’
She smiled at me in the mirror, her sleek brown hair glowing in the spotlights. ‘We appreciate what you’re doing for us.’
‘Can you hurry, please? Sal y might come looking for me any moment now.’
She grinned at my worried reflection. ‘That’s not likely. She’s being interviewed by a local reporter on her views on airport standards. He’s not letting her get away.’
‘And he is?’
‘One of our men.’ She slipped a tiny microphone into the elastic of my bra. ‘That should do it. Try not to cover up too much and remember not to bash it with anything—purse, whatever—as it gives our listening post a nasty headache.’
‘OK. That’s it? No battery or wire?’
‘Nope. It’s got its own little power pack and wil run for about twenty-four hours. No wires to give it away.’