They lay a long time in silence, he with his eyes closed, stroking her gently, and she staring into the fire, thinking of how much she loved him.
“Thank you.” The words were a whisper from him as he lay there. He knew how much she had given him, and how desperately he needed it. More than he had ever known. He needed her love and her warmth and her help now. He was letting go of Liz, and it was almost as painful as when she died, more perhaps because this was forever.
“Don't say that. … I love you.”
He opened his eyes, and when he saw her face he believed her. “I never thought I'd say that again.” He felt a relief he had never felt before. Relief and peace and safety just being with her. “I love you.” He whispered again.
She smiled and held him close to her, like a lost child, and he fell asleep as she held him.
Chapter 42
They were both stiff when they woke up the next day, and Megan was cold, but they looked at each other anxiously, and when they saw that they had nothing to fear, they looked happy. It was New Year's Day, and Bernie teased her about the way they had spent New Year's Eve as she giggled.
He went to put the coffee on, and she found an old bathrobe of his and put it on and followed him into the kitchen. Her long, thick black hair was disheveled and she looked beautiful as she sat down and cupped her chin in her hands as she leaned her elbows on the counter. “You're a beautiful man, you know.” He was the sexiest man she had ever slept with, and she had never felt for anyone what she did for him. But she knew it could be dangerous for her. He was an invitation to a broken heart. He hadn't gotten over his wife, and he was moving back to New York in a few months. He had told her so himself. And she was old enough to know that sometimes it was the honest ones who really hurt you.
“What are you thinking about? You look awfully serious, pretty lady.”
“I'm thinking how sorry I'm going to be when you go back to New York.” She was going to be honest with him too. She had to. She had survived her own tragedies over the years, and she had scars that could not be forgotten.
“It's funny. I'm not looking forward to going back anymore. The first couple of years here, that was all I wanted.” He shrugged and handed her a mug of steaming black coffee, which was how she took it. “Now I wish I didn't have to. Why don't we not think about it for a while?”
“It's going to hurt either way.” She smiled at him philosophically. “But I figure that for you, it's worth it.”
“That's a nice thing to say.” He would have paid any price for her too. He was surprised by how much he loved her.
“I thought you were terrific the night you came to the hospital with Alex. I told the nurse …but I thought you were married. I gave myself a good lecture on the way home about not getting heated up about my patients' fathers.” He laughed and she smiled. “I did. Honestly.”
“Some speech. I wouldn't have called you cool last night.” She blushed and he came to sit next to her, wanting her again, wanting more than he could have …wanting her forever. They were living in a fairyland of love for the moment. But as he looked at her, he wanted more, and he gently opened the robe she had tied so carefully only moments before, and it fell to the floor as he led her to his room and they made love on his bed this time, and again before she finally took a shower and insisted that she had to get dressed and do rounds at the hospital with Patrick.
“I'll come with you.” His eyes were happier than they had been in two years, and hers were warm as she turned to him, still wet from the shower.
“Do you really want to come with me again?” She loved it, loved having him near her and sharing her life with him. But she also knew that that was dangerous. Sooner or later, he would have to leave her.
“I can't stay away from you, Meg.” It was honest. And it was as though having lost one woman he loved, he couldn't bear to lose another, even if it was only for an hour.
“Okay.”
They were inseparable for the entire weekend, eating and sleeping and walking and running and laughing together, and making love three and four times a day. He was like a man who had been starved for love and sex and affection and couldn't get enough of her to make up for it. And for the entire week, he came back from the city early every day, and went to meet her at her office, bringing little presents and treasures and things to eat. It was like the early days with Liz, only it was different. They both knew it wouldn't last. One day he would go back to New York and it would be over. Only that was still a long time off, as long as Paul Berman didn't find anyone to replace him.
And on their last night together before the children came home, he opened a bottle of Louis Roederer champagne and they drank it and she made dinner for him. Patrick was on call for her that night and they had a peaceful but passionate night in each other's arms until morning.
He was taking the day off to be with her too, but they were due in at six o'clock, and at four he had to head for the city.
“I hate to leave you.” They had barely been apart for ten days, and it depressed him to think of leaving her now. Things wouldn't be the same with the children around, especially Jane. She was too old and too observant to be fooled by lies, and they couldn't sleep together openly, without upsetting her terribly and violating the proprieties they both believed in. They would have to go away somewhere if they wanted to do that, or he would have to sleep at her house and leave at six in the morning to slip back before the children got up. “I'm going to miss you so damn much, Meg.” He almost felt like crying and she kissed him as he said it.
“I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here. Waiting for you.” The way she said it touched him. But he had filled a spot in her soul that had been empty for a long, long time. She knew just how deeply she loved him, maybe more than she could ever tell him, and she knew she had to love him with open arms. She had no right to cling to him, and she had promised herself not to. “I'll see you this weekend, my love.” But it wouldn't be the same now. They both knew it, and he promised to call that night once the children were in bed. But as he stood waiting for them at the airport, he felt as though he had lost something very dear to him, and he wanted to run back to her and make sure it was still there. But it was only when he went back to the house, with Nanny Pip and the children, that it hit him.
He was honestly looking for something this time. A box that Jane swore he had, with some old photographs of Grandma and Grampa. She wanted to make an album for them as a present, and he opened Liz' closet, and suddenly it was as though she were standing there, reproaching him for what he'd done with Megan. He felt as though he had cheated on her and he slammed the door, and felt breathless as he left the room without the photographs Jane wanted. He could no longer face Liz' closet.
“I don't have them.” His face was pale beneath the beard. What had he done? What had he done to Liz? Had he forgotten her? Was that it? He had sinned. He had sinned awfully. And he was sure that God would punish him. He had betrayed her.
“Yes, you do have those pictures,” Jane persisted. “Grandma said so.”
“No, I don't!” he shouted and then walked into the kitchen looking tense. “She doesn't know what she's talking about.”
“What's wrong?” Jane was confused but she knew him well.
“Nothing.”
“Yes, there is. Don't you feel well, Daddy?” He turned to face her and she saw that his eyes were brimming with tears and she ran to him and threw her arms around him, frightened.
“I'm sorry, baby. I just missed you so much I went crazy.” He wasn't sure if he was apologizing to her or to Liz, but once the children were in bed, he called Megan anyway, and his desire for her was so overpowering that he wanted to be with her as soon as he could. He felt as though he were going crazy without her.