“Either way.”
“Nope.”
“You’ll be begging. You’ll want me so badly you’ll be weeping between your thighs for me.”
“Finn”—I feel an excitement burning deep inside—“selfies first.”
I gather up all the strength I have and turn to walk away from the first man in my life who made me hate him before ever meeting him and then made me feel beautiful, sexy, and wanted like never before.
I feel his breath hit the back of my neck. “I’m gonna make you pay for teasing my cock in public.”
I look over my shoulder. “Selfies first. And, Finn? Make me jealous and give the world what they want: a hot, sexy, broody bass guitarist with a voice that makes every woman in the crowd weep between their thighs.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m on the pill, and for some reason, I trust and believe you.”
***
At seven o’clock, I stand in the center of a room alone. We ate dinner together after the auditions, and then everyone seemed exhausted.
Nick DeAngelo said he would share with Finn, and I could have my own room. I told him it wasn’t necessary, but he insisted.
Finn walked away during the discussion. I couldn’t tell if he was okay with it or not. He just walked out the front doors, I assume to have a smoke.
I sat in my bed and called Noah. Hearing his voice made me happy. Saying goodnight didn’t. I miss him more now than ever before. I suppose Finn knowing about him helped. I don’t like to hide him, although I assume some would see it differently.
My aunt is the only person who encouraged me to keep him. Everyone else thought it would be better for me not to. I couldn’t move past being abused by the man who got me pregnant.
After showering and towel drying my hair, I look in the mirror and see myself for the first time in a long time. My hair is long and ragged. I put it in a bun every day because I can’t do anything else with it, and the wash-in color is fading.
I long to see me again.
My childhood wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I was raised by a woman who had no interest in being a parent. She just liked to display me. I was very well behaved and never gave anyone a problem. I was safe, warm, fed, and clean. I had it so much better than some.
I was happy once. I want that back again.
***
I get off the elevator on my floor with a drug store bag in my hand. I walk down the hall and see Finn at my door with security opening it for him.
I walk faster, not wanting to yell down the hall and disrupt any of the other guests. When I get to the door, it closes in my face. I fumble through my purse for my room key and use it to open the door.
When I walk in, Finn is sitting on the edge of my bed with his hands in his hair, and the security guard looks to be ready to make a phone call.
“Everything okay?” I ask, hoping not to startle them.
He sighs and shakes his head as he stands.
“A worried friend,” the hotel security says as he pats him on the shoulder. “You all set?”
“Yes, thank you,” Finn says as he walks to the door and opens it for him. “It won’t happen again.”
When he turns around, he shakes his head at me, looking angry.
“What’s wrong?” I ask as I take my coat off and place it over the desk chair.
“What’s wrong?” he bites out then stops himself, inhaling deeply. “You were gone.”
“Just to the store. Was I needed for something? Is River okay?”
“Jesus H, Sonya. You aren’t in our room. I sneak out like some fucking teenager to find you, and you’re not here. I went to see if maybe you and Tally were together, then to Billy and River’s room, hoping I didn’t find you there.”
“Why would I be in their room?”
“Why would you be out shopping at”—he looks at his phone—“nine o’clock at night?”
“Do I have a curfew?”
“There are bad fucking people in this world, bad people who may try to—”
“This is because of my … past?” Already, things are changing.
“No!” he says like a child who got caught doing something he shouldn’t.
“Finn,” I sigh. “I just needed—”
“Then you call me. You call Tally. You don’t fucking go alone; you understand me? You don’t go alone.”
He starts to pace, and I step in front of him. “I’m not made of glass. I am not going to live my life in fear of—”
“Someone who is still out there, Sonya. Someone who doesn’t deserve to be breathing,” he snaps. “I wanted to kill the fucker when I saw him on the damn news, and now, I not only want to, but I swear to God, if I ever see his face again, I will rip him to shreds. I will kill him. Do you understand me?”
I look at him, recognizing the look on his face. I understand the behavior.
“You watched the video.”
He walks past me and paces again. “Promise me you won’t ever do that shit again.”
“Did you watch the video, Finn?” I ask more loudly.
The look in his eye tells me he did. He promised he wouldn’t, and he did.
“I’m tired and need to go to sleep. I will see you in the morning meeting,” I say, walking to the door and opening it.
He stands in the same spot.
“Finn, I’m very tired.”
“I want your number. You take mine. Be pissed all you want at me, kick me out of your room, call me a fucking asshole, but I want your damn number and a promise you’ll use it if you leave here again.”
“A promise like you made?”
“I needed to see it again.” He walks to me and takes my phone from my hand, then sends himself a message. “Ask me to stay.”
I shake my head.
“I’m sorry. I just had to see it.”
“And I’m sorry. I just need to be able to forget it.”
I shut the door slowly as he walks backward, looking at me with pity in his eyes.
I have had a lifetime of people looking at me the way he is. It took years to get over it, years of trying my best to make myself feel strong, whole again. That one look would either push me back into the corner or make me fight for the girl I was and the woman I am becoming.
Half an hour later, I stand in the bathroom on a white towel in my bra and panties with a towel draped around me. I put my hair in a ponytail, ensuring it is combed back perfectly and snug in place. Then I lift it up with one hand and grab the scissors I bought in my other hand, take a deep breath, place them four inches up from the bottom, and close my eyes as I cut through the thick, frizzy ends of my wavy hair. When I open my eyes, I smile then laugh.
I hear a loud knock at the door, grab the terrycloth robe off the back of the bathroom door, and walk to the door. Looking through the peephole, I see him standing there with his head hung low.
I open the door a crack and look out. “Everything okay?”
He shakes his head. “A man only has his word, and I fucked up. I fucked up bad, and I need you to tell me you forgive me.”
“I forgive you.”
“You need to mean it, Sonya.”
“Are you high?”
“No. No, I’m not. I’m a man who needs to undo something he did, so tell me you mean it.”
I look in his eyes. The muck hasn’t returned, but they are wild and regretful.
“Okay. I mean it.”
“Thank you.”
I expect him to walk away, but he doesn’t. His eyes are glued to mine. I not only see the emotions, but I feel them.
“Is there something else?” I ask.
“Yeah.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I’m a fucking idiot, and I don’t know a damn thing about how this shit works.” He pulls his hand up so I can see what’s in it. “I bought flowers, and I know how fucking stupid and desperate it looks and sounds, but well, I’m fucking stupid and desperate, and I’m sorry I watched the fucking thing. I needed to see him again. I needed to see him because I swear to you—”
“The flowers are beautiful, Finn, but I really wish you didn’t need to see him again, because if I could have one prayer answered in my lifetime, it would be that I never, ever saw him or heard mention of him again.”