“Finn, I need to tell you something. I need to tell you something that may change your mind. God, I should have told you before, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Before I do anything, you need to know something, something that may make you hate me.”
“I could never hate you, never. Love doesn’t work like that.”
“Do you hate her?” I ask as I step off the bed, walk to my dresser, and pull out the journal.
“Who, Sonya? Who the hell are you talking about?” He laughs.
“Jesse.”
He stops laughing immediately and his face turns white.
I hold up the journal. “When I was at the White’s house, I found this journal. My mother had just gone to jail, and I had just found out I was pregnant. I was scared, alone, and had no idea what I was going to do”—I hold up the book—“until I found this and read about her being pregnant and you begging her to keep it, promising her you would take care of them, that you’d become a family.”
I stop and wait for a reaction, but I don’t get one. He is expressionless and his eyes are getting murky.
“I made my decision to tell Johnny. I knew he would want the same thing. I was sure he loved me like the Finn in the book loved Jesse. She loved you, Finn, but she was too messed up to—”
He stands. “I don’t want to discuss her.”
“Please, if you don’t want to talk to me, just listen.” His jaw tenses as he stares at me. “I told Johnny about being pregnant and expected him to do exactly what you did. I thought we would be happy and”—I close my eyes and swallow down my emotions—“he wasn’t, Finn. He wasn’t, and I couldn’t hate him even after what he did. I couldn’t hate him, because if I did, I felt like I would hate part of my son, so I hated you because you were the reason I didn’t hide it and told him. So in my scared, messed up head, you were just as much to blame for me getting attacked as he was, maybe more so.
“I hated you because of the lies in this book. I hated you, and when I was asked to do the job for Stevie, I jumped at the chance because I wanted to be strong, and I wanted to face you because I hated you.
“I needed to hate you, but I needed a reason to hate you even more because it made me stronger. I wanted to make you hate women. I wanted to expose you for the fraud I thought you were. In my mind, it would validate me and my choices.
“Then I saw you. Then I saw you and realized how fucked up I was, how fucked up she was, and how perfect you are, and I hated me. But you wouldn’t give up on me, Finn. You wouldn’t, and now you love me, and I love you so much. I tried to—”
“You love me?” He laughs in anger. “You said you hated me.”
“No, this made me—” I stop and hand it to him. “This girl who didn’t deserve you, this book and her lies about you, they made me think I hated you, because—”
“Enough!”
“Finn, don’t be mad at me. Try to understand. I wanted to tell you. I tried.” I stop when I realize he isn’t paying any attention to my lunatic ramblings. “Please read the book. Please—”
I stop when he throws the book across the room, and it smashes against the picture. The book bounces down and falls into the vase holding the flowers Noah and I had bought. The water splashes up and hits the now broken frame and trickles down the side of my face in the photo like tears.
I turn back to see he is walking out the door.
“Finn, please don’t go. Please understand. Oh, God, Finn, I love you! Please don’t go,” I say as he disappears out of sight.
I turn back to the photo, and I crumble to the floor and sob.
I walk in to Forever Four the day after our last show. I’m hung-over and pissed that I had to come in. I mean, who the fuck plans a ten o’clock meeting the day after the last concert in a sold out run? Xavier Steel, that’s who.
I walk in to the conference room, finding Taelyn and Xavier are the only ones in.
“What the fuck? Everyone else say fuck it?” I plop down and lean back in the chair.
“No, actually we just wanted to meet with you alone to go over something.”
“Something?” I ask “This something couldn’t have waited till noon?”
“We have a decision to make about Sonya’s employment at Forever Four, and since you are one of the founding members of this company, we want your opinion.”
No one has mentioned her; they all know better. I assume Tally and she are in contact since the PR and social media shit is still running the same way, but no one has mentioned her. Even when I try to get them to, they don’t.
“I have no bearing on who you hire and fire.”
“Okay then, how would you feel if we extended her contract?”
Good, I’d feel fucking good because she’s fucking crazy and needs it, I think to myself, but the reality is, hell yes, I want what is best for her.
“Will she be touring with the band?”
“No, she won’t. She will work remotely. But if we have our way, she’ll be here a few days a month,” Taelyn answers. “But we have to make sure it’s okay with you.”
“You afraid of losing me?”
“Of course we are, but she also insisted we make sure. She doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable for you.”
“If she doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable for me, then why the fuck is she telling you my personal business?”
“Your personal business directly involves her future. It’s not like she told us you had a three-inch dick or sucked in bed.” Xavier laughs.
“Well, if she did, she’d be lying.” I pull my beanie farther down.
“Lying like you are to yourself?” Xavier asks.
I stand up slowly. “Listen to me and listen well. I’m not the one who needs a pep talk or cares to be a part of your little fucking conference room talk show. I’m not Memphis. I’m not going to head down to Forever Steel and get your stamp on me or have your guy stick a needle in my dick. What I will do is continue writing music, playing shows, and behaving on stage. I will remain part of this cult-like work environment you’re trying to create. But you don’t get to put your nose in my personal business unless my dick has been inside of you, get it?” I don’t wait for an answer. I walk out, hearing Xavier laugh.
“He’s an angry, little elf, isn’t he?”
Fucker, I think as I walk out the doors of Forever Four.
***
I can’t fucking write. My muse has left me, and I am consumed by anger at myself for believing I could live a normal life. I jam with the band, but I am unable to write a damn thing that isn’t gonna make me sound and feel like a fool.
It’s been two weeks since I walked into Forever Four. I can’t do it. I can’t do it, and I won’t. They think I’m in woodshed mode, but I’m far fucking from it.
I look up when River and Billy walk in.
“You aren’t ready?” Billy asks.
“For what?”
“The house warming get together at Memphis and Tales’ new place.”
“Nah, I’m gonna write,” I tell them.
“Bullshit,” River says. “They have been waiting to have this party because they don’t think you can handle your shit. We’ve all been pussy-footing around you for long enough. Let’s roll.”
I look at him. “Are you fucked up?”
He laughs. “No, asshole. I’ve been off of everything since we got in our little lover’s quarrel. Now either get your ass to the door, or I swear I’m gonna come over and kiss you all over that fucking bush on your face.”
I look at Billy ’cause I don’t fucking believe it.
“He’s sober. Nice you could notice. Now let’s go, or I’m gonna take pictures of him licking your bush face and post ’em all over social media.”
“I’m really into this right now,” I say, trying to get them to back off.
Neither budges.
“Fine, but I am going for an hour, two max, and then back to work.”
***