“Bet they do, though.”
“Since when? You’re the one who’s always pointing out how inefficient language is.”
“Only when I’m trying to get under your skin. Your pants—whole other thing.” He laughed at his own joke. “Seriously, what are they gonna to use instead, telepathy? I say you’ll be up to your elbows in hieroglyphics before you know it. And what’s more, you’ll decode ’em in record time.”
“You’re sweet, but I wonder. Half the time I can’t even decode Jukka.” Michelle fell silent a moment. “He actually kind of throws me sometimes.”
“You and seven billion others.”
“Yeah. I know it’s silly, but when he’s not around there’s a part of me that can’t stop wondering where he’s hiding. And when he’s right there in front of me, I feel like I should be hiding.”
“Not his fault he creeps us out.”
“I know. But it’s hardly a big morale booster. What genius came up with the idea of putting a vampire in charge?”
“Where else you going to put them, eh? You want to be the one giving orders to him?”
“And it’s not just the way he moves. It’s the way he talks. It’s just wrong.”
“You know he—”
“I’m not talking about the present-tense thing, or all the glottals. He—well, you know how he talks. He’s terse.”
“It’s efficient.”
“It’s artificial, Isaac. He’s smarter than all of us put together, but sometimes he talks like he’s got a fifty-word vocabulary.” A soft snort. “It’s not like it’d kill him to use an adverb once in a while.”
“Ah. But you say that because you’re a linguist, and you can’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to wallow in the sheer beauty of language.” Szpindel harrumphed with mock pomposity. “Now me, I’m a biologist, so it makes perfect sense.”
“Really. Then explain it to me, oh wise and powerful mutilator of frogs.”
“Simple. Bloodsucker’s a transient, not a resident.”
“What are—oh, those are killer whales, right? Whistle dialects.”
“I said forget the language. Think about the lifestyle. Residents are fish-eaters, eh? They hang out in big groups, don’t move around much, talk all the time.” I heard a whisper of motion, imagined Szpindel leaning in and laying a hand on Michelle’s arm. I imagined the sensors in his gloves telling him what she felt like. “Transients, now—they eat mammals. Seals, sea lions, smart prey. Smart enough to take cover when they hear a fluke slap or a click train. So transients are sneaky, eh? Hunt in small groups, range all over the place, keep their mouths shut so nobody hears ’em coming.”
“And Jukka’s a transient.”
“Man’s instincts tell him to keep quiet around prey. Every time he opens his mouth, every time he lets us see him, he’s fighting his own brain stem. Maybe we shouldn’t be too harsh on the ol’ guy just because he’s not the world’s best motivational speaker, eh?”
“He’s fighting the urge to eat us every time we have a briefing? That’s reassuring.”
Szpindel chuckled. “It’s probably not that bad. I guess even killer whales let their guard down after making a kill. Why sneak around on a full stomach, eh?”
“So he’s not fighting his brain stem. He just isn’t hungry.”
“Probably a little of both. Brain stem never really goes away, you know. But I’ll tell you one thing.” Some of the playfulness ebbed from Szpindel’s voice. “I’ve got no problem if Sarasti wants to run the occasional briefing from his quarters. But the moment we stop seeing him altogether? That’s when you start watching your back.”
Looking back, I can finally admit it: I envied Szpindel his way with the ladies. Spliced and diced, a gangly mass of tics and jitters that could barely feel his own skin, somehow he managed to be—
Charming. That’s the word. Charming.
As a social necessity it was all but obsolete, fading into irrelevance along with two-party nonvirtual sex pairing. But even I’d tried one of those; and it would have been nice to have had Szpindel’s self-deprecating skill set to call on.
Especially when everything with Chelsea started falling apart.
I had my own style, of course. I tried to be charming in my own peculiar way. Once, after one too many fights about honesty and emotional manipulation, I’d started to think maybe a touch of whimsy might smooth things over. I had come to suspect that Chelsea just didn’t understand sexual politics. Sure she’d edited brains for a living, but maybe she’d just memorized all that circuitry without giving any thought to how it had arisen in the first place, to the ultimate rules of natural selection that had shaped it. Maybe she honestly didn’t know that we were evolutionary enemies, that all relationships were doomed to failure. If I could slip that insight into her head—if I could charm my way past her defenses—maybe we’d be able to hold things together.
So I thought about it, and I came up with the perfect way to raise her awareness. I wrote her a bedtime story, a disarming blend of humor and affection, and I called it
In the beginning were the gametes. And though there was sex, lo, there was no gender, and life was in balance.
And God said, “Let there be Sperm”: and some seeds did shrivel in size and grow cheap to make, and they did flood the market.
And God said, “Let there be Eggs”: and other seeds were afflicted by a plague of Sperm. And yea, few of them bore fruit, for Sperm brought no food for the zygote, and only the largest Eggs could make up the shortfall. And these grew yet larger in the fullness of time.
And God put the Eggs into a womb, and said, “Wait here: for thy bulk has made thee unwieldy, and Sperm must seek thee out in thy chambers. Henceforth shalt thou be fertilized internally.” And it was so.
And God said to the gametes, “The fruit of thy fusion may abide in any place and take any shape. It may breathe air or water or the sulphurous muck of hydrothermal vents. But do not forget my one commandment unto you, which has not changed from the beginning of time: spread thy genes.”
And thus did Sperm and Egg go into the world. And Sperm said, “I am cheap and plentiful, and if sowed abundantly I will surely fulfill God’s plan. I shall forever seek out new mates and then abandon them when they are with child, for there are many wombs and little time.”
But Egg said, “Lo, the burden of procreation weighs heavily upon me. I must carry flesh that is but half mine, gestate and feed it even when it leaves my chamber” (for by now many of Egg’s bodies were warm of blood, and furry besides). “I can have but few children, and must devote myself to those, and protect them at every turn. And I will make Sperm help me, for he got me into this. And though he doth struggle at my side, I shall not let him stray, nor lie with my competitors.”
And Sperm liked this not.
And God smiled, for Its commandment had put Sperm and Egg at war with each other, even unto the day they made themselves obsolete.
I brought her flowers one dusky Tuesday evening when the light was perfect. I pointed out the irony of that romantic old tradition—the severed genitalia of another species, offered as a precopulatory bribe—and then I recited my story just as we were about to fuck.