“You're accusing me of inefficiency? You stab me to the heart. But I'll forgive you since you've obviously been under a great strain. By the way, how is our young Carmela?”
“She was sleeping when we left the hospital,” Silver said. “I'm sure she'll be fine.”
“I'll take your word for it.” George turned and headed for the library. “And I'll give this bit of information on Dickens to Ledbruk right away. You wouldn't like to tell me where you got it, would you?”
“No.”
“I didn't think so. I'll tell Ledbruk it was a trusted but anonymous informant. He won't like it, but he hasn't liked much about this assignment.” He disappeared into the library.
Kerry made a face. “Well, this trusted and anonymous informant is going up to bed.” She looked around the foyer. “Where did Sam go?”
“He was heading for the kitchen.” Silver smiled. “I think you can assume he'll take care of himself.”
“That's a given.” She started slowly up the stairs. Lord, she was tired. “I just wanted to make sure he wouldn't be in anyone's way.”
“He won't be. Sam knows he's got a home here.”
“Does he?” She yawned. “Yeah, Sam thinks he's welcome anywhere. You'll let me know if George finds anything about Dickens?”
“Of course. Good night, Kerry.”
She glanced back at him. He looked exhausted. He'd gone through just as much stress as she had. Perhaps more. She had no idea what kind of tension he'd undergone trying to get Carmela to jump off that roof. “Aren't you going to bed?”
“Soon. I have to call Gillen.”
“Can't it wait until tomorrow?”
“Could Carmela have waited until tomorrow?”
“You can't heal the entire world, Silver.”
“No, but I can put on a Band-Aid or two.” He turned away. “I'll see you in the morning.”
A Band-Aid.
Not likely. There was no question he'd saved Carmela's life. And maybe by calling Gillen, he might save the man's sanity. She'd never thought about the awesome responsibility Silver faced every time he stepped in to “fix” someone. It must be a little like playing God with no divine safety net to fall back on. He was just a man trying to come to terms with a talent he'd never asked for and didn't want.
She felt an overwhelming sadness as she started up the stairs again. Christ, stop thinking about him. Waking or sleeping, he was occupying too much of her thoughts. She didn't need the burden of feeling herself bleed for him at a time when she was so weary she could barely function.
Rest. Sleep. And, for God's sake, don't dream of Silver.
Jagged teeth tearing, mutilating.
Swirling blackness.
Agony.
Silver. She had to get to Silver.
Kerry threw the covers back and ran for the door.
In less than a minute she was down the hall and throwing open his bedroom door. He was still fully dressed, sitting on the side of the bed, staring down at the telephone. “Silver, what's the—”
And then she knew. “Gillen?” she whispered.
He didn't glance up. “I couldn't get in touch with him. I've been trying all night. I finally reached his father. Gillen hanged himself last night.”
“Dear God.” She walked slowly toward him. “I'm so sorry, Silver.”
“Me too.” He cleared his throat. “I thought I had a chance with him. But it's not as if it's the first time I've lost someone. It goes with the territory. You win some, you lose some. I got used to—”
“Shut up.” She knelt down on the floor in front of him, her arms sliding around his waist. “Stop mouthing all that philosophic nonsense. Do you think I don't know what you're feeling?” She pressed her cheek to his chest. “And you've got to stop hurting. I don't think I can take much more. You're not to blame for Gillen's death. Why would you believe that?”
“I knew he was spiraling downward,” he said dully. “I should have gone to see him. I should have kept in closer contact.”
“Jesus, every time I turned around you were on the phone with Gillen. It's not as if you abandoned him.”
“No.” His hand was stroking the back of her head. “But I did make a choice. I thought Carmela's problem was more urgent. Or maybe I thought my revenge was more important. Who the hell knows?”
“I know.” She sat back on her heels to look up at him. “Who should know better? It seems I know you better than I do myself.” She tried to smile. “You saw to that.”
“I did, didn't I?” His mouth tightened. “I didn't have too much control there either.”
“Oh, for God's sake. I didn't mean—”
“I know.” He was silent a moment and then shrugged. “Sorry. If I remember correctly, I told you that self-pity wasn't allowed, and I seem to be drowning in it. I guess it's a case of do what I say, not what I do. But it's over now, so you can go back to bed and try to—”
“Bullshit.” She jumped to her feet. “It's not over.” She went around the bed, pulled down the sheet, and lay down. “And I'm not leaving you. So turn out the light and lie down.”
He went still. “I beg your pardon?”
“Lie down.”
“Why? Is this some kind of bizarre sexual therapy?”
“Trust a man's mind to go straight to sex. At the moment I don't believe you're in any mood to screw anyone, even Gwyneth Paltrow. You're sad and tired and maybe want to hold on to someone.” She met his gaze for a long moment before holding out her hand. “I could use someone to hold on to too.”
He hesitated and then took her hand. “And your maternal protectiveness is flying banner high.”
She smiled. “Or maybe I don't want to have to bother to come back here if you have another emotional jag. You woke me out of a sound sleep.”
“Now you know how I feel.” He turned off the lamp and lay down beside her. “And I refuse to feel sorry for you.”
“Aren't you going to take off your clothes?”
“No.” He pulled her close so that her head tucked into his shoulder. “This is fine. This is good.”
Yes, it was. She felt warm and safe and sheltered against him. She'd wanted to give comfort but found herself taking it. Or sharing it? They were as close mentally as they were now physically, and it was difficult to define the emotion. “It's all right with me, you know. Living in a firehouse gets rid of any prudery.”
“I'll keep my clothes on, thank you. Though it's more of a reminder than a barrier.” His lips brushed her forehead. “Because you were right.”
“About what?”
“That a man's mind goes straight to sex.” His hand stroked her hair as he whispered, “And you can never tell when his mood might change.”
Crystal blue lake.
Soft breeze blowing through the high grass.
“What the hell?” Silver stood up and moved away from her. “I don't know what happened. God, I swear I never meant to do this, Kerry.”
“I know you didn't.” She smiled. “But I did.”
His gaze shifted back to her. “What?”
“Oh, I haven't discovered a new talent. There's no way I could build a scenario like this. But I'm close enough to you now to be able to tap into your memory bank. I wasn't sure I could, but a little exploration and there I was. . . .” She looked out at the lake. “Here. Where I wanted to be. Where I wanted you to be.”
“Good God, I've created a monster.”
“No such thing. But you should have expected me to grab hold and run with it.”
“I suppose I should have.” He smiled. “But why? Why did you want to come here?”
“Because this is the place you brought me to to take away pain. I thought it might help. You wouldn't do it for yourself. It would have been too much like self-indulgence. Heaven forbid you give yourself a break.”