“And what makes you think I’d be any good at it?”
“You can ask questions that aren’t already lodged in the SHE. Do you think just anyone can do that?”
He shrugged. “I’m not interested.”
“I’m just asking for you to stay and hear what we have to say.”
“I’m…not…interested,” replied Friday more forcefully.
“Listen,” said Scintilla, after looking around furtively and lowering his voice, “this is a bit unofficial, but I’ve had a word with Wayne Skunk, and he’s agreed to let you play a guitar riff on the second track of Hosing the Dolly.”
“It’s too late,” said Friday, “it’s already been recorded.”
Bendix stared at him. “Yes-and by you.”
“I never did anything of the sort!”
“No, but you might. And since that possibility exists, you did. Whether you actually do is up to you, but either way you can have that one on us. It’s your solo in any case. Your name is already in the liner notes.”
Friday looked at Scintilla, then at me. I knew how much he loved Strontium Goat, and Scintilla knew, too. He had Friday’s complete ser vice record, after all. But Friday wasn’t interested. He didn’t like being pushed, cajoled, bullied or bribed. I couldn’t blame him-I hated it, too, and he was my son, after all.
“You think you can buy me?” he said finally, and left without another word.
“I’ll catch up,” I said as he walked out with Landen.
While the swinging doors shut noisily behind them, Scintilla said to me, “Do I need to emphasize how important it is that Friday joins the ChronoGuard as soon as possible? He should have signed up three years ago and be surfing the timestream by now.”
“You may have to wait a little longer, Bendix.”
“That’s just it,” he replied. “We don’t have much time.”
“I thought you had all the time there was.”
He took me by the arm, and we moved to a corner of the room.
“Thursday-can I call you Thursday?-we’re facing a serious crisis in the time industry, and as far as we know, Friday’s leadership several trillion bang/crunch cycles from now is the only thing that we can depend on-his truculence at this end of time means his desk is empty at the other.”
“But there’s always a crisis in time, Bendix.”
“Not like this. This isn’t a crisis in time-it’s a crisis of time. We’ve been pushing the frontiers of time forward for trillions upon trillions of years, and in a little over four days we’ll have reached the…End of Time.”
“And that’s bad, right?”
Bendix laughed. “Of course not! Time has to end somewhere. But there’s a problem with the very mechanism that controls the way we’ve been scooting around the here and now for most of eternity.”
“And that is?”
He looked left and right and lowered his voice. “Time travel has yet to be invented! And with the entire multiverse one giant hot ball of superheated gas contracting at incalculable speed into a point one trillion-trillionth the size of a neutron, it’s not likely to be.”
“Wait, wait,” I said, trying to get this latest piece of information into my head. “I know that the whole time travel thing makes very little logical sense, but you must have machines that enable you to move through time, right?”
“Of course-but we’ve got no idea how they work, who built them or when. We’ve been running the entire industry on something we call ‘retro-deficit-engineering.’ We use the technology now, safe in the assumption that it will be invented in the future. We did the same with the Gravitube in the fifties and the microchip ten years ago-neither of them actually gets invented for over ten thousand years, but it helps us more to have them now.”
“Let me get this straight,” I said slowly. “You’re using technology you don’t have-like me overspending on my credit card.”
“Right. And we’ve searched every single moment in case it was invented and we hadn’t noticed. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Rien.”
His shoulders slumped, and he ran his fingers through his hair.
“Listen, if Friday doesn’t retake his seat at the head of the ChronoGuard and use his astonishing skills to somehow save us, then everything that we’ve worked toward will be undone as soon as we hit Time Zero.”
“I think I get it. Then why is Friday not following his destined career?”
“I’ve no idea. We always had him down as dynamic and aggressively inquisitive when he was a child-what happened?”
I shrugged. “All kids are like that today. It’s a modern thing, caused by too much TV, video games and other instant-gratification bullshit. Either that-or kids are exactly the same and I’m getting crusty and intolerant in my old age. Listen, I’ll do what I can.”
Scintilla thanked me, and I joined Friday and Landen outside.
“I don’t want to work in the time industry, Mum. I’d only break some dumb rule and end up eradicated.”
“My eradication was pretty painless,” reflected Landen. “In fact, if your mother hadn’t told me about it, I never would have known it happened.”
“That doesn’t help, Dad,” grumbled Friday. “You were reactualized-what about Granddad? No one can say whether he exists or not-not even him.”
I rested my hand on his shoulder. He didn’t pull away this time.
“I know, Sweetpea. And if you don’t want to join, no one’s going to make you.”
He was quiet for a while, then said, “Do you have to call me Sweetpea? I’m sixteen.”
Landen and I looked at each other, and then we took the tram back home. True to his word, Bendix had slipped us back a few minutes to just before we went in, and as we rattled home in silence, we passed ourselves arriving.
“You know that yellow rod Bendix showed us?” said Friday, staring out the window.
“Yes?”
“It was a half second of snooker ball.”
15. Home Again
Noting with dismay that most cross-religion bickering occurred only because all the major religions were convinced they were the right one and every other religion was the wrong one, the founders of the Global Standard Deity based their fledgling “portmanteau” faith on the premise that most religions want the same thing once all the shameless, manipulative power play had been subtracted: peace, stability, equality and justice-the same as the nonfaiths. As soon as they found that centralizing thread that unites all people and made a dialogue of sorts with a Being of Supreme Moral Authority mostly optional, the GSD flourished.
Friday went to his room in a huff as soon as we got in. Mrs. Berko-Boyler told us that the girls were fine and that she had folded all the washing, cleaned the kitchen, fed Pickwick and made us all cottage pie. This wasn’t unusual for her, and she scoffed at any sort of payment, then shuffled off home, muttering darkly about how if she’d killed her husband when she’d first thought of it, she’d be “out of prison by now.”
“Where’s Jenny?” I asked Landen, having just gone upstairs to check. “She’s not in her room.”
“She was just in the kitchen.”
The phone rang, and I picked it up.
“Hello?”
“It’s Millon,” came a soft voice, “and I’m sorry to call you at home.”
“Where are you?”
“Look out the window.”
I did as he asked and saw him wave from his usual spot between the compost heap and the laurels. Millon de Floss, it should be explained, was my official stalker. Even though I had long ago dropped to the bottom of the Z-class celebrity list, he had insisted on maintaining his benign stalkership because, as he explained it, “we all need a retirement hobby.” Since he had shown considerable fortitude during a sojourn into the Elan back in ’88, I now counted him as a family friend, something that he always denied, when asked. “Friendship,” he intoned soberly, “always damages the pest factor that is the essence of the bond between stalker and stalkee.” None of the kids were bothered by him at all, and his early-warning capabilities were actually very helpful-he’d spotted Felix8, after all. Not that stalking was his sole job, of course. Aside from fencing cheese to the east of Swindon, he edited Conspiracy Theorist magazine and worked on my official biography, something that was taking longer than we had both thought.