I looked at Millon, who nodded. There was always someone stupid enough to experiment. After all, no one had ever died from cheese ingestion. Yet.
“Let us have a half pound, and we’ll see what we can do with it.”
“Very well,” said Pryce. He nodded to a colleague, who opened another suitcase and gingerly took out a sealed lead box. He laid it gently on the table and then took a hurried step backward.
“You won’t attempt to open it until we’re at least thirty miles away, will you?” Pryce asked.
“We’ll do our best.”
“Actually, I’d advise you not to open it at all.”
“Thanks for the advice.”
The trading went on in this manner for another half hour, and with our order book full and the cost totted up, we transported the cheese from their truck to the Acme van, whose springs groaned under the weight.
“What’s that?” I asked, pointing at a wooden crate in the back of their truck. It was securely fixed to the floor with heavy chains.
“That’s nothing,” Pryce said quickly, his henchmen moving together to try to block my view.
“Something you’re not showing us?”
Pryce took me by the arm as they slammed the rear doors and threw the latch.
“You’ve always been a good customer, Ms. Next, but we know what you will and won’t do, and this cheese is not for you.”
“Strong?”
He wouldn’t answer me.
“It’s been nice doing business with you, Ms. Next. Same time next month?”
“Yes,” I said slowly, wondering just how strong a cheese has to be before you’ve got to keep it chained down. More interestingly, the box was stenciled with the code X-14.
I handed over the Welsh cash, it was swiftly counted, and before I knew it, Owen Pryce and his marginally threatening flunkies had revved up the truck and vanished into the night, off to sell cheese to the Stiltonistas in the Old Town. I always got first dibs-that was probably what the flaming Camembert was all about.
“Did you see that cheese chained up in the back?” I asked Millon as we got back into the van.
“No-what cheese?”
“Nothing.”
I started the van, and we drove out of the industrial estate. This was the point at which the CEA would have pounced if they’d have known what was going on, but they didn’t. All was quiet in the town, and within a few minutes Millon had dropped me off at home, taking the Acme van himself to start peddling the cheese.
I had only just opened the garden gate when I noticed a figure standing in the shadows. I instinctively moved to grab my pistol, before remembering that I didn’t carry one in the Outland anymore. I needn’t have worried: It was Spike.
“You made me jump!”
“Sorry,” he replied soberly. “I came to ask you if you wanted any help disposing of the body.”
“I’m sorry?”
“The body. The ground can be hard this time of year.”
“Whose body?”
“Felix8. You did him in, right?”
“No.”
“Then how did he escape? You, me and Stig have the only keys.”
“Wait a moment,” I said nervously. “Felix8 has gone?”
“Completely. Are you sure you didn’t kill him?”
“I think I would have remembered.”
“Well,” said Spike, handing me a spade, “you better give this back to Landen, then.” I must have looked horrified, because he added, “I told him it was to plant some garlic. Listen, you get inside and keep the doors and windows locked-I’ll be in my car across the street if you need me.”
I went into the house and locked the door securely behind me. Felix8 was a worry, but not tonight-I had a complimentary block of Llangloffan, and nothing was going to come between me and Landen’s unbeatable macaroni and cheese.
17. Breakfast Again
Commonsense Party leader Redmond van de Poste, MP, succeeded Chancellor Yorrick Kaine in the hastily called elections of 1988, changed the job title back to “prime minister” and announced a series of innovative policies. For a start he insisted that democracy, while a good idea for a good idea, was potentially vulnerable to predation by the greedy, egotistical and insane, so his plan to demo cratize democracy was ruthlessly implemented. There were initial issues regarding civil liberties, but now, fourteen years later, we were beginning to accrue the benefits.
The news on the radio that morning was devoted-once again-to the ongoing crisis of the week-namely, where the nation’s stupidity surplus could be discharged safely. Some suggested a small war in a distant country against a race of people we weren’t generally disposed toward, but others thought this too risky and favored crippling the efficiency of the public services by adding a new layer of bureaucracy at huge expense and little benefit. Not all suggestions were sensible: Fringe elements of the debate maintained that the nation should revitalize the stupendously costly Anti-Smite Shield project. Designed to protect mankind-or at least England-against the potential threat by an enraged deity eager to cleanse a sinful race with a rain of fire, the shield project would have the twin benefits of profligate waste of good cash plus the possibility that other European nations could be persuaded to join and thus deal with Europe’s combined stupidity excess in one fell swoop.
Prime Minister Redmond van de Poste took the unusual step of speaking on live radio to not only reject all the suggestions but also to make the inflammatory statement that despite the escalating surplus they would continue the Commonsense approach to government. When asked how the stupidity surplus might be reduced, Van de Poste replied that he was certain something would come along that “would be fantastically dim-witted but economical,” and added that as a conciliatory dumb mea sure to appease his critics they would be setting fire to a large quantity of rubber tires for no very good purpose. This last remark was met with a cry of “too little, too late” from Mr. Alfredo Traficcone of the opposition Prevailing Wind Party, which was gradually gaining ground promoting policies of “immediate gain,” something that Mr. Traficcone said was “utterly preferable to the hideously longsighted policies of cautious perceptiveness.”
“What a load of old poo,” said Landen, giving Tuesday a boiled egg for breakfast and putting one in front of Jenny’s place, then yelling up the stairs to her that breakfast was on the table.
“What time did Friday get in last night?” I asked, since I had gone to bed first.
“Past midnight. He said he was making noise with his mates.”
“The Gobshites?”
“I think so, but they might as well be called the Feedbacks and working on the single ‘Static’ from the White Noise album.”
“It’s only because we’re old and fuddy-duddy,” I said, resting an affectionate hand on his. “I’m sure the music we listened to was as much crap to our parents as his music is to us.”
But Landen was elsewhere. He was composing an outline for a self-help book for dogs, called Yes, You CAN Open the Door Yourself, and was thus functionally deaf to everything.
“Land, I’m sleeping with the milkman.”
He didn’t look up, but said, “That’s nice, darling.”
Tuesday and I laughed, and I turned to look at her with an expression of faux shock and said, “What are you laughing about? You shouldn’t know anything about milkmen!”