Explanatory Note
The life and conduct of Sir Harry Flashman, VC, were so irregular and eccentric that it is not surprising that he was also erratic in compiling his memoirs, that picturesque catalogue of misadventure, scandal, and military history which came to light, wrapped in oilskin packets, in a Midlands saleroom more than twenty years ago, and has since been published in a series of volumes, this being the ninth. Beginning, characteristically, with his expulsion from Rugby in 1839 for drunkenness (and thus identifying himself, to the astonishment of literary historians, with the cowardly bully of Tom Brown's Schooldays), the old Victorian hero continued his chronicle at random, moving back and forth in time as the humour took him, until the end of his eighth packet found him, again the worse for drink, being shanghaied from a Singapore billiard-room after the China War of 1860. Along the way he had ranged from the First Afghan War of 1842 to the Sioux campaign of 1876 (with a brief excursion, as yet unpublished, to a brawl in Baker Street as far ahead as 1894, when he was in his seventy-second year); it goes without saying that many gaps in his story remain to be filled, but with the publication of the present volume, which reverts to his early manhood, the first half of his life is almost complete; only an intriguing gap in the early 1850s remains, and a few odd months here and there.
Thus far, it is not an improving tale, and this latest chapter is consistent in its depiction of an immoral and unscrupulous rascal whose only commendable quality (terms like "virtue" and "saving grace" are not to be applied to one who gloried in having neither) was his gift of accurate observation; it was this, and the new and often unexpected light which it enabled him to cast on great events and famous figures of his time, that excited the interest of historians, and led to comparison of his memoirs with the Boswell Papers, Be that as it may, it was a talent fully if nervously employed in the almost forgotten imperial campaign described in this volume—"the shortest, bloodiest … and strangest, I think, of my whole life". Indeed it was strange, not least in its origins, and Flashman's account is a remarkable case-history of how a war can come about, and the freaks and perfidies and intrigues of its making and waging. It is also the story of a fabulous jewel, and of an extraordinary quartet—an Indian queen, a slave-girl, and two mercenary adventurers—who would be dismissed as too outlandish for fiction (although Kipling seems to have made use of one of them) if their careers were not easily verifiable from contemporary sources.
This, as with previous packets of Flashman's papers entrusted to me by their owner, Mr Paget Morrison, has been my chief concern—to satisfy myself that Flashman's narrative tallies with historic fact, so far as it can be tested. Beyond that I have only corrected occasional lapses in spelling, and supplied the usual footnotes, appendices and glossary.
G.M.F.
"Now, my dear Sir Harry, I must tell you," says her majesty, with that stubborn little duck of her head that always made Palmerston think she was going to butt him in the guts, "I am quite determined to learn Hindoostanee."
This at the age of sixty-seven, mark you. I almost asked her what the devil for, at her time of life, but fortunately my idiot wife got in first, clapping her hands and exclaiming that it was a most splendid idea, since nothing so Improved the Mind and Broadened the Outlook as acquaintance with a Foreign Tongue, is that not so, my love? (Elspeth, I may tell you, speaks only English—well, Scotch, if you like—and enough nursery French to get her through Customs and bullyrag waiters, but anything the Queen said, however wild, always sent her into transports of approval.) I seconded loyally, of course, saying it was a capital notion, ma'am, bound to come in handy, but I must have looked doubtful, for our sovereign lady refilled my teacup pretty offhand, leaving out the brandy, and said severely that Dr Johnson had learned Dutch at the age of seventy.
"And I have an excellent ear," says she. "Why, I still recollect precisely those Indian words you spoke, at my dearest one's request, so many long years ago." She sighed, and sipped, and then to my dismay trotted them out. Hamare ghali ana, achha din. Lord Wellington said it was a Hindoo greeting, I recall."
Well, it's what the Bengali whores used to cry to attract customers, so she wasn't far wrong. They'd been the only words I could think of, God help me, on that memorable day in '42 when the Old Duke had taken me to the Palace after my Afghan heroics; I'd stood trembling and half-witted before royalty, and when Albert asked me to say something in Hindi, out they popped. Luckily, Wellington had had the wit not to translate. The Queen had been a pretty slip of a girl then, smiling timidly up as she pinned on the medal I didn't deserve; now she was a stout little old body, faded and grey, fussing over the teacups at Windsor and punishing the meringues. Her smile was still there, though; aye, cavalry whiskers, even white ones, still fetched little Vicky.
"It is such a cheerful language," says she. "I am sure it must have many jokes, does it not, Sir Harry?"
I could think of a few, but thought it best to give her the old harmless one that begins: "Doh admi joh nashe men the, rail ghari men safar kar raha ta —"
"But what does it mean, Sir Harry?"
"Well, ma'am, it means that two fellows were travelling by train, you see, and they were, I regret to say, intoxicated —"
"Why, Harry!" cries Elspeth, acting shocked, but the Queen just took another tot of whisky in her tea and bade me continue. So I told her that one chap said, where are we, and t'other chap replied, Wednesday, and the first chap said, Heavens, this is where I get out. Needless to say, it convulsed them—and while they recovered and passed the gingerbread, I asked myself for the twentieth time why we were here, just Elspeth and me and the Great White Mother, taking tea together.
You see, while I was used enough, in those later years, to being bidden to Balmoral each autumn to squire her about on drives, and fetch her shawl, and endure her prattle and those damned pipers of an evening, a summons to Windsor in the spring was something new, and when it included "dear Lady Flashman, our fair Rowena"—the Queen and she both pretended—a passion for Scott—I couldn't think what was up. Elspeth, when she'd recovered from her ecstasy at being "commanded to court", as she put it, was sure I was to be offered a peerage in the Jubilee Honours (there's no limit to the woman's mad optimism); I damped her by observing that the Queen didn't keep coronets in the closet to hand out to visitors; it was done official, and anyway even Salisbury wasn't so far gone as to ennoble me; I wasn't worth bribing. Elspeth said I was a horrid cynic, and if the Queen herself required our attendance it must be something grand, and whatever was she going to wear?
Well, the grandeur turned out to be Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show1 —I concluded that I'd been dragged in because I'd been out yonder myself, and was considered an authority on all that was wild and woolly—and we sat in vile discomfort at Earl's Court among a great gang of Court toadies, while Cody pranced on a white horse, waving his hat and sporting a suit of patent buckskins that would have laid 'em helpless with laughter along the Yellowstone. There was enough paint and feathers to outfit the whole Sioux Nation, the braves whooped and ki-yikked and brandished their hatchets, the roughriders curvetted, a stagecoach of terrified virgins was ambushed, the great man arrived in the nick of time blazing away until you couldn't see for smoke, and the Queen said it was most curious and interesting, and what did the strange designs of the war paint signify, my dear Sir Harry?
God knows what I told her; the fact is, while everyone else was cheering the spectacle, I was reflecting that only eleven years earlier I'd been running like hell from the real thing at Little Bighorn, and losing my top hair into the bargain—a point which I mentioned to Cody later, after he'd been presented. He cried, yes, by thunder, that was one war-party he'd missed, and didn't he envy me the trip, though? Lying old humbug. That's by the way; I realised, when the Queen bore Elspeth and me back to Windsor, and bade us to tea a trois next day, that our presence at the show had been incidental, and the real reason for our invitation was something else altogether. A trifling matter, as it turned out, but it inspired this memoir, so there you are.