All very innocent - as who knows better than I, who've taken advantage of many such situations for an ardent squeeze and fondle?
"Why, Harry," cries she, "where have you been all this while? See, Don Solomon is teaching me archery - and I have been making the sorriest show!" Which she demonstrated by fumbling the shaft, swinging her bow arm wildly, and letting fly into the hedge, squeaking with delighted alarm. "Oh, I am quite hopeless, Don Solomon, unless you hold my hands!"
"The fault is mine, dear Mrs Flashman," says he, easily.
He managed to keep an arm round her, while bowing in my direction. "But here is Mars, who I'm sure is a much better instructor for Diana than I could ever be." He smiled and raised his hat. "Servant, Mr Flashman."
I nodded, pretty cool, and looked down my nose at him, which wasn't easy, since he was all of my height, and twice as big around - portly, you might say, if not fat, with a fleshy, smiling face, and fine teeth which flashed white against his swarthy skin. Dago, for certain, perhaps even Oriental, for his hair and whiskers were blue-black and curly, and as he came towards me he was moving with that mincing Latin grace, for all his flesh. A swell, too, by the elegant cut of his togs; diamond pin in his neckercher, a couple of rings on his big brown hands - and, by Jove, even a tiny gold ring in one ear. Part-nigger, not a doubt of it, and with all a rich nigger's side, too.
"Oh, Harry, we have had such fun!" cries Elspeth, and my heart gave a little jump as I looked at her. The gold ringlets under her ridiculous bonnet, the perfect pink and white complexion, the sheer innocent beauty of her as she sparkled with laughter and reached out a hand to me. "Don Solomon has shown me bowling, and how to shoot - ever so badly! - and entertained me - for the cricket came so dull when you were not playing, with those tedious Kentish people popping away, and—"
"Hey?" says I, astonished. "You mean you didn't see me bowl?"
"Why, no, Harry, but we had the jolliest time among the side-shows, with ices and hoop-la … " She prattled on, while the greaser raised his brows, smiling from one to the other of us.
"Dear me," says he, "I fear I have lured you from your duty, dear Mrs Flashman. Forgive me," he went on to me, "for I have the advantage of you still. Don Solomon Haslam, to command," and he nodded and flicked his handkerchief. "Mr Speedicut, who I believe is your friend, presented me to your so charming lady, and I took the liberty of suggesting that we … take a stroll. If I had known you were to be put on - but tell me … any luck, eh?"
"Oh, not too bad," says I, inwardly furious that while I'd been performing prodigies Elspeth had been fluttering at this oily flammer. "Felix, Pilch and Mynn, in three balls - if you call it luck. Now, my dear, if Mr Solomon will excuse—"
To my amazement he burst into laughter. "I would call it luck!" cries he. "That would be a daydream, to be sure! I'd settle for just one of 'ern!"
"Well, I didn't," says I, glaring at him. "I bowled Felix, caught out Pilch, and had Mynn leg before - which probably don't mean much to a foreigner—"
"Good God!" cries he. "You don't mean it! You're bamming us, surely?"
"Now, look'ee, whoever you are—"
"But - but - oh, my God!" He was fairly spluttering, and suddenly he seized my hand, and began pumping it, his face alight. "My dear chap - I can't believe it! All three? And to think I missed it!" He shook his head, and burst out laughing again. "Oh, what a dilemma! How can I regret an hour spent with the loveliest girl in London - but, oh, Mrs Flashman, what you've cost me! Why, there's never been anything like it! And to think that we were missing it all! Well, well, I've paid for my susceptibility to beauty, to be sure! Well done, my dear chap, well done! But this calls for celebration!"
I was fairly taken aback at this, while Elspeth looked charmingly bewildered, but nothing must do but he bore us off to where the liquor was, and demanded of me, action by action, a description of how I'd bowled out the mighty three. I've never seen a man so excited, and I'll own I found myself warming to him; he clapped me on the shoulder, and slapped his knee with delight when I'd done.
"Well, I'm blessed! Why, Mrs Flashman, your husband ain't just a hero - he's a prodigy!" At which Elspeth glowed and squeezed my hand, which banished the last of my temper. "Felix, Pilch, and Mynn! Extraordinary. Well - I thought I was something of a cricketer, in my humble way - I played at Eton, you know - we never had a match with Rugby, alas! but I fancy I'd be a year or two before your time, anyway, old fellow. But this quite beats everything!"
It was fairly amusing, not least for the effect it was having on Elspeth. Here was this gaudy foreign buck, who'd come spooning round her, damned little flirt that she was, and now all his attention was for my cricket. She was between exulting on my behalf and pouting at being overlooked, but when we parted from the fellow, with fulsome compliments and assurances that we must meet again soon, on his side, and fair affability on mine, he won her heart by kissing her hand as though he'd like to eat it. I didn't mind, by now; he seemed not a bad sort, for a 'breed, and if he'd been to Eton he was presumably half-respectable, and obviously rolling in rhino. All men slobbered over Elspeth, anyway.
So the great day ended, which I'll never forget for its own splendid sake: Felix, Pilch, and Mynn, and those three ear-splitting yells from the mob as each one fell. It was a day that held the seed of great events, too, as you'll see, and the first tiny fruit was waiting for us when we got back to Mayfair. It was a packet handed in at the door, and addressed to me, enclosing bills for fifty pounds, and a badly-printed note saying "With the compliments of D. Tighe, Esq." Of all the infernal impudence; that bloody bookie, or whatever he was, having the starch to send cash to me, as though I were some pro. to be tipped.
I'd have kicked his backside to Whitechapel and back, or taken a cane to him for his presumption, if he'd been on hand. Since he wasn't, I pocketed the bills and burned his letter; it's the only way to put these upstarts in their place.
* * *
[Extract from the diary of Mrs H. Flashman, undated, 1842]
… to be sure, it was very natural of H. to pay some attention to the other ladies at Lord's, for they were so forward in their admiration of him - and am I to blame you, less fortunate sisters? He looked so tall and proud and handsome, like the splendid English Lion that he is, that I felt quite faint with love and pride … to think that this striking man, the envy and admiration of all, is - my husband!! He is perfection, and I love him more than I can tell.
Still, I could wish that he had been a little less attentive to those ladies near us, who smiled and waved to him when he was in the field, and some even so far forgot the obligations of modesty upon our tender sex, as to call out to him! Of course, it is difficult for him to appear indifferent, so Admired as he is - and he has such an unaffected, gallant nature, and feels, I know, that he must acknowledge their flatteries, for fear that he should be thought lacking in that easy courtesy which becomes a gentleman. He is so Generous and Considerate, even to such declasse persons as that odious Mrs Leo Lade, the Duke's companion, whose admiration of H. was so open and shameless that it caused some remark, and made me blush for her reputation - which to be sure, she hadn't any!!! But H.'s simple, boyish goodness can see no fault in anyone - not even such an abandoned female as I'm sure she is, for they say … but I will not sully your fair page, dear diary, with such a Paltry Thing as Mrs Leo.
Yet mention of her reminds me yet again of my Duty to Protect my dear one - for he is still such a boy, with all a boy's naiveté and high spirit. Why, today, he looked quite piqued and furious at the attention shown to me by Don S.H., who is quite sans reproche and the most distinguished of persons. He has over fifty thousand a year, it is said, from estates and revenues in the Far East Indies, and is on terms with the Best in Society, and has been received by H.M. He is entirely English, although his mother was a Spanish Donna, I believe, and is of the most engaging manners and address, and the jolliest person besides. I confess I was not a little amused to find how I captivated him, which is quite harmless and natural, for I have noticed that Gentlemen of his Complexion are even more ardent in their addresses to the fair than those of Pure European Blood. Poor H. was not well pleased, I fear, but I could not help thinking it would do him no harm to be made aware that both sexes are wont to indulge in harmless gallantries, and if he is to be admired by such as Mrs L.L., he cannot object to the Don's natural regard for me. And to be sure, they are not to be compared, for Don S.H.'s addresses are of the utmost discretion and niceness; he is amusing, with propriety, engaging without familiarity. No doubt we shall see much of him in Society this winter, but not so much, I promise, as will make my Dear Hero too jealous - he has such sensibility …