"It could."
"No. This is too messed up," she told him.
"I know," he said.
"And you're so broken." She wiped a tear from his cheek.
"I know."
"And you hurt me."
"I know. I never, never wanted to hurt you. You have to believe that."
"I understand. I really do," Julie managed to say. "But what Finn and I had was real. And you wrecked that."
"There was no you and Finn. There was you and me."
"No."
"This," he said gesturing between them, "is real. You and I are real."
"No, we're not. We're not anything, Matt. Not after this."
"Don't say that. Julie, please don't say that. I fell in love with you. And you fell in love with me."
She brushed the hair from his face and stepped in closer. There wasn't anything she could do to fix this - she could put hinges on Flat Finn, but there were no hinges for grief and deception. Anyway, she was too shattered now to pick him up from this. Her heart was broken. She missed Finn. She missed the Matt she used to know. He looked so completely spent, so full of anguish.
She stroked his hair as she cradled his head in her hands. If there were a way for her to take away his suffering, she would. He would do the same for her, she knew that.She lifted her mouth to his, kissing him deeply. Deliberately this time. She knew what she was doing. Matt's lips moved with hers, his emotion tangible, his aching too much. Julie let herself disappear into the moment. It was easier than thinking, than trying to understand what had happened. The words he had written to her as Finn played over and over: You can look back now and see how you should have known, but you were focusing on the facts instead of the feeling.
Matt had been trying to prepare her.But now she didn't know who this boy was, this damaged, lost boy who was kissing her like he'd never see her again. Like she was everything he wanted. Now her own tears poured down her face. Julie kissed him harder, endlessly, not wanting this to stop, but knowing it had to. For just a few more minutes, she let herself drown in the feel of him, because his mouth, his lips, his tongue, his kiss... This moment overshadowed the real world and took her away from misery. His hands roamed her back and her arms, desperate to show her how much he wanted her. She fought back a sob and pulled her mouth from his, kissing his cheeks, his neck, snuggling against the fabric of his shirt. Her hands moved down his chest, then wrapped around his waist, hugging him. She just wanted to hold Matt, even if this was the last time. His arms encircled her body, and he hung on to her. There had been days over this past year when he had made her feel safe and protected when he had held her. It had been so natural to let him hold her, so easy. So easy that she had stupidly never questioned it. None of those times mattered, though, because everything before today had been a lie.He whispered in her ear, his voice breaking.
"Julie, tell me that you fell in love with me, too. I know you did. I can feel it."
"No, Matty," she said crying. "I fell in love with Finn. I loved that boy, that imaginary, wonderful, fantasy boy. That boy wasn't you. He was someone else, someone who never really existed. And... maybe part of me did fall in love with some version of you too, but that wasn't real either. And now I've lost you both. You've broken my heart twice."
"Please. I meant everything I wrote to you. Everything." Matt was pleading with her now and squeezed his arms around her tightly. "I used to go skydiving and bungee jumping. Finn and I did those things together. After he died, I couldn't take any more risks like that. It wasn't fair to my parents. Or Celeste. I used to be different. My life was about more than managing, and coping, and keeping everything together. There was more to me. You started to bring that back. We have something here, Julie. You know that."
"We don't have anything." She wiped her eyes on his shirt. It killed her to say this to him. She knew better than anybody how fragile Matt was right now and how much of himself he was giving to her. "
"Please don't make this harder. Please don't make me hurt you more. But, Matt... Nothing that happened has been true."
"I need you," he begged. "You're everything I'm not."
"And you're everything I don't want." Julie pushed away, breaking his embrace, and shook her head. "If you loved me, you couldn't have done this. You couldn't have been so careless with me. You know pain, and loss, and hurt better than anyone." She hated each word as it came out of her mouth. "And that's what you gave me. I know that it's not the same. I know yours is worse. I'm so sorry for you, Matt. For your whole family. You've all been through hell. And you've been braver than anyone could. But I hurt now, too. And I can't love you."
Chapter 30
The alarm clock went off, filling the room with a hideously syrupy old Lifehouse song. Cursing herself for forgetting to turn the alarm off last night, Julie rolled over and yanked the cord out of the wall, but the music kept playing. God damn that battery back up! She had been in bed since seven the night before, having mumbled something to Erin through the door about not feeling well. Her eyes burned, and her head and heart ached. Everything hurt. There was really no good reason to get up, except to finish packing. She was moving to Dana's tomorrow. She wanted out of here as quickly as possible. But the idea of mustering the energy she'd need to pack was further debilitating. Even with the torturous music, the dark room was safe.
The world was on hold.Holing up in her room since the dreadful talk with Matt was childish perhaps, but she didn't care. Of course, it wasn't really her room. It was Matt's. He must have moved out so that the family didn't have to deal with the agony of Finn's empty bedroom. She threw her arm over her eyes. Poor Matt had taken on the brunt of the family's grief.After lying in bed for another hour, and suffering through "Romance Hour" on the local radio station, she finally dragged herself from the sheets and sat in front of her computer. There was one more thing that she had to do. She clicked on Finn is God's page one last time and reread his status updates. Matt's status updates. It was so hard to reconcile the truth with what she had believed for so many months. She moved the cursor to remove him from her friends list and then stopped. Under his profile picture she saw it. It was his birthday today. It was the real Finn's birthday. She couldn't take this and deleted him immediately.