“Who said that?”
“Nietzsche.”
He amazes me. I’ve never known anybody, especially a kid, who can talk like him.
“You’re so damn smart,” I say. “How many books have you read?”
“All of them,” he says.
We laugh.
And he hugs me. I’m not afraid of him. I’m not afraid that the cops might see us hugging. I’m not afraid of myself for hugging him. I’m a fatherless kid who wants another teenager to be my father.
This pretty boy gets out of jail before I do, but he promises me he’ll come rescue me from wherever they send me.
I hate my country. There are so many rich people who don’t share their shit. They’re like spoiled little ten-year-old bullies on the playground. They hog the monkey bars and the slide and the seesaw. And if you complain even a little bit, if you try to get just one spin on the merry-go-round, the bullies beat the shit out of you.
I get so angry sometimes that I want to hurt people. I dream about hurting people. About killing them. I’ve always had those kind of dreams.
I have this recurring dream where I’m attacked by this gang of black men. They’re punching and kicking me, and I think I’m going to die. But somehow I get to my feet and turn into a raving maniac. I tear those black guys apart. I kill them and go cannibal. I rip open those black guys’ bellies and chests and eat their livers and lungs. I break open their skulls and eat their brains.
Sounds racist, right?
But I don’t think I’m a racist. I measure men by the content of their character, not the color of their skin, and I find all of them are assholes.
A couple years back, this kid psychiatrist told me I have violent dreams and fantasies because I’ve seen so much violence in my life.
“You dream about killing and eating black guys,” he said, “because, in American society, black men are the metaphoric embodiment of rage and fear and pain.”
What the hell is a metaphoric embodiment? And why do I want to eat it?
The kid shrink told me I was programmed for violence.
“You can get better,” he said. “But your first response will always be to fight. To hurt. To cause pain and fear.”
Doesn’t that just give you hope for me?
The shrink also told me I have attachment issues. “All you know about is absence,” he said. “And you’re always looking to fill that absence.”
And do you know what I said to him? “You can stick your head up your hairy puss-filled absence.”
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Isn’t that funny? I threw a pun in his face. Of course, it was a violent pun, so maybe that doctor was right about me. Maybe I’m doomed to fill my empty life with fires and fists. Maybe I’m doomed to spend the rest of my life in jail cells like this one.
So I’m mulling these things, feeling double-dip-doomed, when Officer Dave visits me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey,” I say.
“Aren’t you getting tired of spending all your time in jail?”
“Jail here, jail there, it’s all the same.”
“You’re too young to be talking like that,” he says.
“Whatever,” I say.
Dave shakes his head. He looks disappointed. Depressed, even. I figure he’s going to walk away and never return.
“You’re running out of chances,” he says.
“What chances?” I ask.
“The chance to change your life.”
“Whatever,” I say.
“Well, listen up, Mr. Whatever,” Dave says. “I got you one more chance. Instead of more jail, I talked the judge into sending you to a halfway house.”
“Halfway to where?” I ask.
Officer Dave laughs and leaves me to my jailers. And those dang bullies take me out of my cell and ship me to a halfway house for juvenile offenders. I hate group homes even more than I hate foster homes.
I’ve had some nasty counselors and supervisors in group homes. Mean people, ugly people, and those sick bastards, those Uncle Creepy types, who try to stick their hands down your pants. I got sent to jail once because I punched one of those pedophiles in the crotch. I wanted to break his dick in half.
So I’m lying awake in a ground-floor bedroom of this juvie halfway house, where all the counselors are Uncle Creepy types who want to give you candy, and I’m thinking about running away when there’s a knock on the window.
I pull back the curtains and see him, the beautiful white kid, my new best friend.
I don’t know how he found me. But there he is. My hero.
He smiles and breaks the window.
I climb out and we escape together.
We run to an abandoned warehouse in SoDo, an industrial section of Seattle down near the waterfront.
We climb the dangerous stairs to the top floor where the white kid has made a home out of garbage and abandoned office furniture. We sit on chairs made out of newspapers. I laugh.
“What’s so funny?” he asks.
“I don’t even know your name,” I say.
He smiles, walks over to the corner, pulls something out of a sack, and walks back to me.
“This is my name,” he says, and hands me two pistols. One of them looks like a regular gun and the other one looks like a Star Wars laser.
“That one is a thirty-eight special,” the pretty boy says, “and the other one is a paint gun.”
I’ve seen paint-gun competitions on ESPN, those fake fights where fat white guys run around fake battlefields and shoot each other with balls of Day-Glo dye.
They like to fight fake wars because there aren’t enough real ones.
I’ve seen real people get shot by real guns. But I’ve never held a real gun. I’ve always heard and read that guns are cold metal. But not this one. It feels warm and comfortable, like a leather recliner sitting in front of a sixty-inch HDTV.
I laugh again.
“What’s funny this time?” he asks.
“Your name is Guns,” I say. “That’s a really stupid name.”
It’s his turn to laugh. “My name isn’t Guns,” he says. “My name is Justice.”
We laugh together.
“That is a corny-ass name,” I say. “Where’d you get it?”
“I gave it to myself,” he says. “But I wish I’d been given my name by Indians. You guys used to give out names because people earned them. Because they did something amazing. And it was the old people who gave out those names: the elders, the wise ones. I wish the wise ones were still here.”
I think of the great Oglala Sioux warrior Crazy Horse, who was given his name after he battled heroically against other Indians.
Yes, Indians have always loved to kill other Indians. Isn’t that twisted?
I think of how Crazy Horse was speared in the stomach by a U.S. Cavalry soldier while his best friend, Little Big Man, held his arms. I think of the millions of dead and dying Indians.
“Do you know about the Ghost Dance?” I ask.
“No,” Justice says. “Teach me.”
“It was this ceremony created by the Paiute holy man Wovoka, back in the eighteen-seventies. He said, if the Indians danced this dance long enough, all the dead Indians would return and the white people would disappear.”
“Sounds like my kind of dance,” Justice said.
“Yeah, but it didn’t work. All the Ghost Dancers were slaughtered.”
“Maybe they didn’t have the right kind of music.”
“Yeah, they should have had Metallica.”
Justice and I laugh. And then he stops laughing.
“Did you ever try to Ghost-Dance?” he asks.
“Nobody’s Ghost-Danced in over a hundred years,” I say. “And I don’t think one person can do it well enough to make it work. I think you need all Indians to do it.”