“Wren, please be nice. Sorry about that,” Christy said to me. “You know how she is.”
“Mmm.”
“Is Allie there? Can I talk to her? Oh, wait! You should probably do it. You’re the man. Besides, it’s in the Handbook. Page six.” I knew that one by heart, but she quoted it anyway, “It’s the man’s job to seduce the woman’s friends, especially the ones she wants him to.”
“Oh, God,” Wren groaned, “not the Handbook again.”
I laughed. The Man Handbook was completely imaginary. Christy had made it up when we were first dating, and she’d filled it with rules to get what she wanted.
“Ignore her,” she said to me. “She’s just jealous that she doesn’t have a Handbook too.”
“I don’t need one!” Wren cried. “I know what I’m doing!”
“Yes, my love,” Christy said dismissively. “Now, do you want to find out what happened?” She waited, and I could imagine Wren rolling her eyes. Christy played at being submissive, but it was a velvet glove. She had a core of steel, and Wren knew it as well as I did.
“Sorry,” I said to Allie in an undertone. “Wren’s being a pest.”
“As usual,” Christy said. “Oh, you were talking to Allie. Tell her hi, by the way. And I’m glad she finally came to her senses. I’ve been telling her for months. Well, years, but you know what I mean.”
“I do.”
“Mmm, my favorite.”
“Oh, God, I’m gonna hurl,” Wren said in the background. She and Trip had switched roles at some point in the past twenty years. Now he was the grown-up, and she was the immature one. What the hell, hormones?
“Do you think the little market is still open downstairs?” Christy said to her. “I’d love some ice cream. Maybe a drumstick?”
Wren started to argue, so I covered the phone.
“Are you sure you wanna get involved with us?” I asked Allie.
“I think so. Why?”
“Because we’re insane. Like, certifiable.”
She grinned. “Is it contagious?”
“Yeah, a little bit. It’s transmitted through bodily fluids.”
“Oral?”
“Of course. Vaginal too—”
“I’m in!”
“—and anal.”
Her jaw fell.
“Oh, I know all about it,” I chuckled. “Christy tells me things too, remember?”
“Hello…? Paul…? Are you there?”
I removed my hand and raised the phone to my ear. “Sorry about that. I was talking to Allie.”
“No, I’m sorry,” Christy said. “Wren went to get snacks. It’s just us now. Well, us and Allie, but you know what I mean.”
“Mmm.”
“So… what were you telling her?”
“How I’m going to fuck her in all three holes.”
“Lucky her!” Christy laughed.
Allie herself gulped.
I cradled the phone against my shoulder, turned her around, and bent her over the dresser. She moaned softly when I lifted her shirt and bared her ass.
“We’ve been fooling around,” I said to Christy in the same conversational tone as before.
“You and Allie? While the girls were watching the movie?” Christy and I did the same thing sometimes.
“Mmm hmm.” I teased Allie’s pussy from behind. “She’s really wet.”
“Oh my gosh, I’m getting wet too,” Christy said. “Are you going to fuck her? Now? Can I listen?”
“Not yet. I might let her blow me, though.”
“Mmm, my favorite. Hers too. She likes when you shoot in her mouth and finish on her face. Rub it around and get her really messy. I told you, didn’t I?”
“I don’t think so, but—”
“Yeah, I did. That night. You know, after Leah’s party.”
“That really narrows it down,” I snarked.
I glanced at Allie in the mirror, but she wasn’t paying attention. Her eyes were closed, and she was breathing hard. The open neck of her shirt gave me a fantastic view of her deep cleavage.
“Fine, Mr. Smarty-pants,” Christy said. “It was the night we gave you a blowjob sandwich.”
“If you say so,” I agreed vaguely.
“You were kinda drunk at the time. So it’s been a while.”
Something sparked a memory. “Hold on… didn’t we make a video that night?”
“I… um… don’t think so.”
It was a lie, but she plowed ahead before I could call her on it. I glanced at Allie instead. Mr. Big was ready to fuck her, but the closest condoms were in the master bedroom. I reluctantly patted her ass and lowered her shirt.
“You came on my face,” Christy was saying. “Leah licked it off, and we were kissing, remember? We passed it back and forth? That’s what made me think of Allie, ’cause we were so messy. Leah was humming— Oh, oh! I remember, now! ‘Happy Birthday,’ that’s it. And the cake! It had a thirty-five on it.”
I reeled from the conversational whiplash. Allie straightened and swayed for a different reason. I slid my arm around her waist, to steady her as much as myself. She rested her head on my shoulder and sighed heavily.
“God, I need a dick so bad.”
I nodded agreement and silently chuckled at my life. I had my chatterbox wife in one ear, her friend in the other, and they were both horny. Well, one of them was. The other had switched gears. Again.
“So… um… how long ago was that?” Christy asked.
Allie seemed content for the moment, so I turned my attention to the other ear.
“Well,” I hinted, “she’ll be thirty-eight in October.”
“Who, Leah?” Allie said. Then she laughed. “You know Christy can’t do math.”
“Paul, dear,” Christy herself agreed, “you know I can’t do math.”
“It was 2000,” I prompted.
“Hold on… how’d you get from thirty-eight to two thousand?”
“That was the year!”
“Oh, yeah, I knew that.” She paused and made another Christy-leap. “Tell her I’m sorry. Allie, I mean. For distracting you.”
“She’s fine,” I said.
“Well, I’m not. I’m really excited.” She switched back to logistics just as quickly as before. “I suppose she’s officially on the list now. Will you call me tomorrow and tell me how it went? I promise I’ll charge my phone and have it with me.”
“Sure. It’ll probably be late morning,” I said. “Maybe afternoon.”
Allie nuzzled my neck in anticipation. “I love dick in the afternoon.”
“Why? Oh, right!” Christy said. “Dance camp. I forgot. That’s okay, I’ll call Allie instead.”
“What?” I blurted. “Why?”
“Paul, dear, you never give enough details. Men in general…” She imitated Trip, “Yeah, I banged her. Best she’s ever had. Totally ruined for anyone else.”
I laughed, even though it was Trip from ten years ago. The new Trip was a pretty nice guy, and a lot less conceited. Still, she was right about the level of detail.
“Is everything all right?” Allie said, and I nodded quickly.
“Oh my gosh,” Christy said in my other ear, “I can’t believe it’s really happening! Do you think she’ll join us? For real, I mean, as a swinger.”
“Too soon to tell.”
Allie raised an eyebrow, but I gave her a quick headshake. Everything’s fine. I’ll tell you later.
“Well, I hope she does,” Christy said. “It’s your job to make her. Only, she doesn’t want to be forced. Not like me. Mmm, you’ll have to hold me down and fuck me— Oh my gosh, listen to me! I’m doing it again. Sorry. We were talking about Allie. Take care of her, Paul.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“I’m serious. She really needs this, way more than I do. I’ve told you what she was like. Before Ken, I mean. And I don’t think you understand what it was like for her. He basically neglected her. Like, for years.”
“Well, we’re about to change that,” I said.
“I hope so. I really want her to be happy.”
“Me too.” I slid my hand into Allie’s shirt and pinched her nipple. She gasped in surprise.