Berliners could look at that wall and forever mourn the dark past it has to tell. But never forgetting the pulsing history of these stones, the city decided to use the same cement to voice a call for equality and unity.
Sitting in front of one of the graffiti, I thought that, like Germany, I could not change my past, but I could look at my story in a different way. I could let time fade the years of happiness I lived with Felipe and throw a pale gray over the sad and painful end of our marriage. Or I could use all those teachings to make myself a much stronger woman.
That day, I understood that it didn’t matter what I lived, but who I became after what I lived.
29 – IT CAN ALWAYS GET BETTER
Messaging with Conor was daily and I continued my journey following intuition. On this sabbatical, I was willing to go to the cities that I had never dreamed of going. Prague and Budapest were on the list and I decided to get a ride to East Europe.
No doubt that the thumbs-up image of the roadside backpacker popped into my mind. It would be amazing to stand in the middle of the road waiting to know which heart would tune in the same energy and stop the car to take me to the next destination. Since I didn’t have the guts to do this on my own, I opened my Blablacar profile and selected a shared ride. There, in a more controlled environment, I could assess the driver, have some prior information about the trip and know the time of departure and arrival at the destination.
I boarded the car of a couple who lived in Prague but were in Berlin visiting family. Another traveler who seemed to speak German was in the car. Since English was not anyone’s mother tongue, the trip was quite quiet and I took the time to reflect on the choices I was making.
After a while, my thoughts started to get very mixed up and I decided to focus on the present. I was in a car with three strangers on a road between Germany and the Czech Republic. The sun was beginning to paint the sky with orange tones announcing the end of the day and the radio was playing a song whose lyrics in a completely foreign language meant nothing to me, but the melody seemed happy.
When we landed at the agreed-upon location, I spotted a McDonald’s sign and gave thanks for having a place to use the internet. I went to Google Maps and figured out which train would take me to my hostel, since I couldn’t get Couchsurfing accommodation in Prague. I just found out why the price of that hostel was so stupidly low when I got there.
There was no lift and my accommodation was on the fifth floor. The bed was on the floor, the toilets were on the second floor, and the lockers were in the basement. As the doors had no keys, it was not safe to leave the backpack in the rooms. To make matters worse, the wifi only worked at the reception.
I didn’t stress about these details. I took a shower and stayed on the first floor using the internet.
“What to do in Prague”… before I finished typing, a red-capped boy touched my shoulder.
- Hello, my name is Simon, I’m from Germany.
- Paula from Brazil, nice to meet you – I answered.
- My friend and I are going downtown to watch the full moon from the main square. Do you want to join us? – I had nothing to do, so I accepted. After all, you don’t reject an invitation to see the full moon, do you?
I put the phone away and followed the two strangers. The other young man was a very witty Nigerian who assured me of a good laugh. Too bad he left the next morning.
In the central square of Prague were dozens of tourists lying on the floor. The temperature was delicious and the centuries-old architecture looked even more beautiful with the night lighting. The restaurants sold beer in plastic glasses for those who preferred to enjoy the night stretched out on the dark cobblestones. We also lay on the ground, but unfortunately, it was cloudy and the moon was hidden.
We returned to the hostel and Simon offered to accompany me on my visit to Prague Castle the next day. I accepted the company, we decided the time and I climbed the five floors of stairs.
Despite sleeping on the floor, the bed was very comfortable and I had a night of deep sleep. Maybe I was just very tired. I opened the free food cabinet in the kitchen, made some black coffee to wake up, and met Simon for our outing.
It was hot and we climbed the slopes to the castle, chasing the shadows of the walls and roofs. Legions of Asians occupied every space that July morning, carrying their photographic equipment behind their chattering tour guides.
We stopped in a garden to ward off the heat and talked under a giant tree. A sad-looking bride posed for her photographer while the groom smiled looking away. Was it a real couple or was it an advertising piece? They didn’t seem to be in love when they hugged.
Speaking of hugging, as my fellow companion and I talked about the benefits of traveling alone, I felt his right hand slip over my shoulders. I immediately asked what he was doing.
- I don’t remember hinting that you could hug me,” I said, taking his arm off my back politely.
- I’m sorry. We have been walking together since yesterday, we talked about so many things. I thought I could make a move. Don’t you date with anyone while traveling? he snapped.
- Of course I do. I date who interests me. – I answered without thinking about how he would interpret that.
- So I’m not interesting? – he questioned.
- I date the ones who I feel attracted to.” I rephrased it, but it was to no avail.
- So I’m not attractive? You don’t think I’m good-looking?
How to say that you are not interested without offending the person? I always knew what it felt like to be rejected, but I had never stopped to think about how difficult it can be to reject someone.
I didn’t want him to feel ugly because he wasn’t. I didn’t mean that he wasn’t attractive either. I just wanted to say that I was not attracted to him. No matter how careful I was when choosing the words, his interpretation depended on the filters that only he had.
That little moment, on a wooden bench in the gardens of Prague Castle, taught me what I had failed to learn in all of the relationships I had in my life. I have re-signified many beliefs about rejection from that moment on and, even today, I go back to that moment when someone doesn’t say what I want to hear.
At the end of the day, after splitting the grocery shopping and eating lunch in the hostel kitchen, I grabbed a 2 euro wine and went looking for a good place to watch the sunset and the full moon. Simon did not wait for an invitation and came with me.
We missed the transport and had to walk a long distance until we reached the park. We lost the sunset but found a perfect place to enjoy the full moon. A gazebo with some stalls and a DJ playing pop music.
I saw some people sitting on an even higher slab and didn’t think twice. From above, it was possible to see the bridges that cut across the Vltava River like strands of light.
The moon, sprinkled with a pearly mist, looked like a blur in the Prussian blue sky. It was hot, but a cool breeze blew softly. A Portuguese couple had fun beside us while I drank my cheap white wine.
- What a perfect night, right? We have music, drink and this spectacular view of Prague. It can’t get better than this. – I commented, relaxed.
My German colleague seemed to have gotten over my rejection earlier and only agreed with a half-smile, nodding. Just then, a ray of stars rose from the ground and lit the sky with a shower of fireworks.
Everyone celebrated that first rocket with clapping and shouting. And then we were surprised by a pyrotechnic show worthy of New Year’s parties. It was more than three minutes of fireworks of various colors, sounds, and patterns. The Portuguese couple noticed my exclamations in the familiar language and asked me if I knew the reason for the fireworks.