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Most likely one of the most expensive bars in Italy.

An indoor garden full of tropical plants, air conditioned and background music. The glass tables set together with black leather chairs and reddish lighting. The drinks were even more expensive than our lunch in front of Duomo square. I was embarrassed. It was clear that he wasn’t trying to impress me, but I started to feel like I was a luxury prostitute.

That feeling wasn’t good, and I probably closed myself a little, but Conor still treated me with the same affection and wonder from when we’d met in Dublin. He made jokes that I couldn’t understand, and I’d laugh exactly because of that.

After dinner, at a rooftop bar where we could see most of the city, we had more wine, smoked several cigarettes, took pictures together, and laughed walking on the cobblestone streets, both drunk. When we arrived at the hotel, he made a video to record how difficult it was for us to go upstairs.

The next morning, he let me know that the first ride of the day would be to San Siro Stadium, Milan and Inter Milan’s home. Conor made the plans for our tour in Italy and was looking forward to the most romantic part of the day: Lake Garda. We’d leave for the tour in a rented car the next morning.

After visiting the stadium, he left the rest of the day up to me and I chose to go to Castello Sforzesco and for a walk in the Sempione Park and the Arch of Peace.

When we were walking back to the hotel, I was still trying to understand the bad feeling that was bothering me.

- You choose where we’ll have dinner tonight – Conor said, holding my waist.

Bingo. I got an even stronger bad feeling. I was feeling financially dependent on him. It was the same feeling I had in the first months of marriage, when I left work and college aside to cross Brazil and become a housewife.

I didn’t like that. Although I had said I’d travel the world backpacking, I had no idea I’d feel bad being pampered at four-star hotels and fine restaurants. But now I was already there and needed to do something not to feel that way. So, I decided I’d pay the price to feel like the independent woman I was working to be.

- I’ll choose the restaurant and pay the bill – I let him know.

- I’ve already said you don’t have to worry about that – he said carefully.

- I know, but I want to.

Arriving at the hotel, I went online and researched tips on good places to have pasta. I already knew that decision would mess up my entire monthly budget, but if it would help me feel better, I was willing to do it.

33 – A ROMANTIC LAKE AND AN ABYSS

Green mountains, narrow curves, and the radio playing Bruce Springsteen in our rented car. Two hours in deep peace. His strong hand lying on my left thigh as he’d sing the successes of his greatest idol.

When I was still going from Germany to Eastern Europe, Conor sent me some pictures of Lake Garda and asked many times if I thought the destination was too romantic for our first trip together. I said it was amazing.

When we first saw the huge turquoise lake high in the mountains, we were speechless. Yes, it was too romantic, but it was the perfect place.

The balcony of our room was between the hotel pool and the shores of the lake. It was a beautiful sunny day and the heat forced us to spend the rest of the afternoon near the water.

After the shower, the high summer temperature gave us a break and he gave me the car keys with a warning: “Today I’ll drink”.

We went around the Saló area, where we were staying, looking for a restaurant for dinner and I disobeyed almost all the GPS commands. After months of not touching the steering wheel of a car, I drove straight through some bumpers and missed the best parking spaces because I was too focused on the automatic gear shift. After every mistake I made driving, he’d swear half a dozen times in English and he seemed to enjoy making me even more nervous. I understood his intention and had fun together.

Bright, wide, and lighted sidewalks gathered hotels and restaurants across the west shore of the lake. Many colorful flowers and the Italian buzz around the tables made me feel immersed in an unknown movie.

We walked in silence after dinner and ended our first night in Garda with a well-behaved glass of wine in our hotel bar.

It was clear that we were falling apart and I knew that my behavior was causing that situation. I wondered if he realized that an abyss was opening between us, even though we were still making love and having fun together.

The next day, after cycling around the fancy village, he said he’d like to stay in the mountains and we switched hotels. A charming place, high on a hill where we could see the huge lake.

The cozy and well decorated room was on a small farm, and dinner, made exclusively from what was produced on the property, was served on the huge porch of the family home.

There was no menu, and the meals, different each day, were kindly explained by the matriarch; a slight lady who was also the cook.

There were always two starter options, main course, and dessert. Everything was so delicious that it was impossible to refuse the full menu. We stayed two nights there and had dinner in the same place, always with a bottle of wine.

On the second day, Conor wanted to rent a boat. It was very windy and we were told not to cross the lake. There were hours of silence and no approach between us. I was already feeling rejected again and didn’t know what to do to change all that. I’d like to ask what was going on, but wasn’t sure if something was really happening. It could just be my perception. My filters.

That night I insisted on paying the seventy-two euros for dinner and I had the impression he understood my need to share the expenses.

Next morning we drove about 40 minutes north to reach an area called Limone. Neither of us liked the place where we spent our last day together. The hotel pool was huge, but full of tourists. So we preferred to cross the street and enjoy the sun on a private lawn for the guests next to the lake.

- I’ll spend some days working in London then I’ll go home. And you? – he asked me when we were having a sandwich for lunch in the hotel snack bar. Conor had already said he’d like me to spend some more time in Ireland.

- I have a trip around the world to complete – I said without looking at him.

We were silent looking at different directions and I wanted to cry. I wanted to say so many things about what was going on inside me. But just the way it happened in Toronto, I didn’t know how to express my feelings in English.

In fact, not a whole dictionary on my mother tongue could help me understand my feelings. I wanted to say that I liked him, but not enough to give up on my trip.

In the afternoon, while he was swimming in the cold waters of the lake, I was watching him from my sun lounger and crying in silence.

The next morning I drove to Verona airport and we said goodbye to each other without any promises. We didn’t fall in love and I could see that made us both feel a little frustrated.

Outside the airport, I walked without knowing where to go and got on the first bus to Venice I saw, where I didn’t even have a room booked.

34 – LITTLE MONEY AND A LOT OF ANXIETY

I got off the bus at Santa Lucia Station and connected to wifi immediately. The cheapest bed I found was 18 euros and it was less than a mile away. I only booked it for one night.

I left my backpack in the closet and went for a walk to think about what to do. I had more than 20 days before August ended and I had spent about 300 euros on my romantic and full of mixed feelings week in Milan and Garda. My budget was supposed to be around 30 or 20 euros a day. Paying 18 for the bed, I had only 2 for food.