Couchsurfing accommodation didn’t seem safe in Italy. When I put my trip to Rome status public on the platform, more than 25 men offered me accommodation in less than 3 hours. In addition, I began to receive countless daily messages for meetings and the Italian guys harassment on the street bothered me. Only in Brazil I had seen similar male behavior.
I walked randomly through the alleys and bridges of Venice without worrying about where to go. I was too anxious and didn’t know what was disturbing my peace.
The afternoon began to say goodbye and the coolest breeze of the night touching my body also calmed down my thoughts. After 2 hours walking through the city’s mazes, it was time to get some rest and understand what was happening to me. I turned right into a narrow corridor, faced another canal and saw the Rialto Bridge. Under the bridge, I took off my shoes, sat down and put my feet in the water. I was the only human being alone among dozens of couples who were posing for photos with the gondolas in the background.
I got access to public wifi from a nearby restaurant and two messages changed my day.
The first one was from Facebook. A German friend who I had met doing volunteer work in Parana a few years ago was back in Germany and was inviting me to visit him. I needed a more fixed address for a few days to open a bank account in Europe and this would be the perfect opportunity.
When I checked WhatsApp, an audio from Felipe surprised me. We had no contact after our last conversation in Toronto.
“Paula, I passed the test. If there’s someone who knows what that means to me, that’s you. Thank you for all the support in the last few years. ”
I got emotional.
In the last four years of our marriage, I witnessed his dedication to pass a very important test within his career as an army officer. We cried together feeling the frustration after each negative result. I really knew how important that was for him, because in a way, what’s important to the ones we love becomes important to us too. I answered the audio congratulating him and saying I was happy to know that at least part of our plan would take place. He’d arrive in Rio de Janeiro with the new car, but without me, Max and the baby.
Before that thought made me sad, I got up and started looking for a way back to the hostel. I didn’t know what to do yet and hoped that a night’s sleep would give me back the serenity lost in the days I spent with Conor.
But the next morning came with the same doubts. I was distressed in Venice, I missed Conor in a strange way, but at the same time I was relieved not to be with him anymore. I wanted to know what was happening to me and couldn’t find answers.
I felt guilty about being in Italy, in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, making such an amazing trip, and not being overflowing with happiness for it.
I booked a room in a hostel in Florence and also a lift from Blablacar to get there. When I stopped for lunch and had a 1.80 euro pizza, which would be my only meal of the day, I got a message saying my lift had been canceled. I tried others and ended up buying a bus ticket.
Upset about having spent more than I expected on extras, I got even sadder. Mainly because I didn’t see how I could do what I wanted the most in Venice: to ride the canals on a gondola.
35 – A LOVE CALLED ‘MYSELF’
When I was still married, long before I thought about traveling around the world, whenever I imagined myself in Venice, I had the image of a gondola ride through the canals of the city. Yeah, I know, this must be a dream come true for anyone who wants to know Venice. But the long-awaited tour cost 80 euros, not negotiable during the summer holidays.
I was very sad because things didn’t seem to be working very well lately. Saying goodbye to Conor triggered a huge feeling of emptiness in me and I realized that I began to spread this feeling to every other area of my life. I decided not to cherish that feeling that my dreams weren’t possible. If necessary, I’d use some money from my emergency reserve that month and then the tour became my priority.
It may sound silly, after all, I was already in Venice, I was already touring the world. Would I want more than that? Yes, I would. Taking the gondola ride alone would be my gift. It was Italy’s most romantic ride, perhaps one of the most romantic ones in the world, and I wanted to feel that I didn’t need to have a partner to be happy. I wanted to take myself on that romantic ride.
I packed my luggage at the hostel and ran to the nearest boat station. The gondolas are all over the canals of Venice. An Indian couple interrupted my negotiation with the boatman and offered to share the gondola with me. I thought it would be a good idea. But they were with their teenage daughter and wanted to pay 50% of the amount. I found it unfair, since there were three people against one, but I still offered 65% to them and 35% to me, I thought it would be reasonable to split the money among the three of us at least, but he insisted on paying 50%.
I didn’t even get annoyed at their insistence, because I really wanted to go on the ride alone. I confess I was pleased to say no and get on the gondola on my own. I felt powerful.
It would be an exaggeration to say that those 30 minutes at sunset had changed my trip. I hadn’t realized yet that I was having some premenstrual syndrome symptoms, the reason why for that avalanche of mixed feelings. However, that evening I was the most important person in my life. I was what I had always been. The individual Paula, complete, unique and infinite.
36 – THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR
In seven days, I visited Florence, Pisa and Rome. It was unbearably hot in Italy. PMS was making me more anxious than ever about my financial situation. I had the option of going back to Germany and staying at Mika’s house for a few days, but I didn’t know if I’d still go back to Italy on this trip.
I recalculated my budget and realized I could still visit some main cities. My mind wasn’t working on a backpacking style in a sabbatical year yet. For this kind of trip, you need to change your mindset and I only found that out later. The experiences I’ve had in my previous vacation trips hadn’t let me see the possibilities of traveling in a calmer way. Still, I can’t deny that I had learned a lot of new things so far.
When I arrived in Florence at dawn, I found out the hostel I had booked a room made a mistake with my check-in time and there was no ready bed or receptionist on duty. They sent me an email saying that they wouldn’t charge for my accommodation, but that night I wouldn’t be able to stay there.
I walked about two miles at dawn looking for another hostel I could check in at 2 am and I even asked to sleep at the front desk at one of the places I went to.
I was exhausted and sent one last email to the owner of the first hostel I had contacted.
“Please, I have nowhere to sleep and I’d spend a lot on transportation to try to go elsewhere. I’m tired. I need you to help me. I can sleep on the reception floor if I have to. Any place will do”.
He sent me the password for the door and asked me to sleep in the kitchen. I went upstairs, three floors with my luggage, which I felt like it was weighing a ton. When the door unlocked, the light from the window showed a white desk about three feet wide supporting a large and outdated laptop. It was a room of about two square meters with an old map of Italy and three high bar stools on the wall opposite a big window without curtains. In the right corner of the door, a dust-covered artificial foliage was trying to give the place some life. The streetlight was yellow and gave a retro look to those few objects that didn’t match.