We went for walks in the main parts of Bingen on weekends and talked a lot about the amazing trips he made before settling in Germany again. He got a ride on a catamaran from Brazil to the Caribbean and told me inspiring stories of his trips around the world and that there are endless possibilities for those who want to explore unknown places.
One day before I left, I exchanged my last messages with Conor.
- Things are cold between us. Am I wrong?
- I’m still in London, I’ve worked a lot.
- I will be honest with you and I expect the same from you. The days we spent together were very special, but I know we drifted apart. I don’t like what I’m feeling right now. When you say you’re busy, I don’t know if you’re really busy or just making an excuse. If you want to stop talking to me, please be clear and I’ll never send you another message.
- This is very difficult for me. You’re an amazing woman, but you have all this travel ahead. I want you to finish it because I know it’s important to you, but I can’t wait.
- Thank you for understanding how important this is to me. None of us can promise to wait.
- I think the same. I’m afraid of losing a special person, but I feel we have no other choice.
- I feel the same and I’m sorry for both of us. Goodbye.
40 – FINDING HAPPINESS
I arrived in Frankfurt feeling renewed. I gained confidence and energy by taking a well-defined route to Portugal through Switzerland and Spain. I easily found my host’s address and I confess that I only accepted his offer because he said he shared the rent with another woman.
He sounded like a nice guy in the app, but personally he was a weird guy I couldn’t quite understand.
The apartment was very clean and tidy and the room where I’d sleep was large, well lit and there were keys in the door, which made me feel more peaceful. The windows give access to a nice big balcony where I smoked my two cigarettes a day, one in the morning and one in the evening.
I arrived before lunch, left my backpacks, and went for a walk around the neighborhood. The city had a vibrant atmosphere and gave me the impression of being much larger than it really was. From my host’s apartment to downtown it was just over two kilometers, and I was glad to know that I wouldn’t have to spend on public transportation.
I walked down a huge tree-lined avenue, crossed one of the bridges over the Main River, and got to the German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s house.There,I decided I’d dive into the city’s museums. In the middle of the afternoon, my host sent a message inviting me to have dinner in a beer garden. I didn’t feel like meeting him, but this sort of thing is part of the Couchsurfing experience. Besides, he was hosting me for free and it wouldn’t be polite of me to refuse it.
We met in front of the building at 7 pm and walked to the place he had planned to go. It was literally a garden, with wooden tables set under the trees of what looked like a park or a neighborhood square. We ordered a traditional dish whose name I can’t remember.
Sharing moments with those who offer accommodation is very interesting because it’s an opportunity to learn more about the genuine culture of the place, the habits of the community and also visit non-touristy spots. This garden was one of those spaces. A simple kiosk run by a German family and visited only by residents of that neighborhood.
I’m pretty sure we were the only people speaking English. The conversation went smoothly, except for the moment he wanted to share with me his love affairs with a Mexican guest. I answered with monosyllables, not knowing exactly what he wanted by telling me that story. It was clear that I was embarrassed and not interested at all. So he let the conversation die.
I walked miles in Frankfurt. I took a guided walking tour to get to know the city’s history and I was surprised to learn that almost 80% of the buildings were destroyed by bombing during World War II.
Frankfurt has a futuristic style, with mirrored skyscrapers and modern museums. Most of the buildings with some older architecture are a replica of the bomb-ravaged buildings. At first glance, it seems like a megacity, but Germany’s financial center has less than 800,000 inhabitants.
On my last day, Simon took me to have breakfast, which was practically lunch in a hotel downtown. In the afternoon I’d do nothing at my favorite place in Frankfurt: the Main River shore.
It was a sunny Saturday and I laid my shirt on the grass near the Eiserner Steg, the famous iron bridge built in the late 19th century. I spent all afternoon watching the rowers roaming the river and the movement of locals and tourists. I felt the bright sun burning my skin and wondered how happiness is accessible when we search it within ourselves.
Less than six months ago I was suffering and desperately trying to continue a marriage that no longer brought me that sense of peace that I found there, sunbathing on the grass. You might say to me, “It’s easy to find happiness in Europe,” but I say it’s not as simple as it sounds.
To be honest, most of my days in Europe were confusing and anxious. The sudden end of my marriage brought back the racing heartbeat. The same physical agony in my chest from when my father passed away. And that continuous throbbing sounded like an anchor pinning me to Casarão de Santa Teresa,[12] where Felipe and I had our last argument.
These moments of peace and serenity, like the one I had that Saturday afternoon in Frankfurt, brought some relief to my chest. It was impossible to forget that this anchor was there, but I realized that the happy moments depended on my actions. The more beautiful experiences I lived on the trip, the more I recognized my own work to find them and this encouraged me to keep looking for them. I found peace and happiness in the simplest moments when I finally concentrated on myself and thanked myself for my own efforts in giving myself those gifts.
When night came, my host offered to drive me to the bus station.
I found nothing like a bus terminal. It was a large block full of rubbish on the streets and with the names of companies in pieces of paper on the posts. I spent almost half an hour trying to find a FlixBus to Zurich sign. I found one that only indicated the time. I asked a young man in the place if he knew the destination of that stationary bus, but he was as lost as I was.
As the driver approached, we found out that our bus stop wasn’t there and we ran off. It was time for the bus to leave and I thought I’d miss it.
There was a group of passengers waiting on the sidewalk, all trying to go to Zurich, but no one was sure if the bus stops was really there. There was no place where we could get information and I chose to stay with those people even though I was unsure of anything. If I missed the bus, I wouldn’t do it alone, I thought.
After about 40 minutes, a man in FlixBus uniform finally showed up, informing us that our vehicle was late and would arrive in 10 minutes. We boarded almost an hour and a half later and I left thinking that Brazil really isn’t the only country in the world where some things work in the “fuck off” mode.
41 – IT’S ALL RIGHT
Sitting in the shade of a tree on Lindenhofplatz, I opened my mood journal and started writing down all the words that came to mind. The conversation I had the day before, when I arrived in the capital of Switzerland, messed up my feelings and I couldn’t be sure of what I was feeling.
I had landed in Zurich at 6 am and stayed at the bus station, leaning against my backpacks for over 3 hours, waiting for my host’s confirmation, Antonio, to knock on the door.
12
An ancient colonial house recently located in the centre of Santa Teresa, the most traditional and bohemian quarter of Rio de Janeiro, close to Lapa.