I met Alessandra at the Ibiza bus station and went on the bus for Formentera with her, where we said goodbye at the port. She had all her luggage and would spend a few days there. I rented a bike and cycled to Playa Illetes. The hangover and guilt seethed inside my head as I let my gaze be hijacked by the dazzling blue of the sea.
The rattle of the bicycle wheels on the dirt road made my brain throb. But I didn’t think to stop. I reached the beach with my mouth drier than the Atacama Desert, but the only restaurant in the area sold the glass of mineral water for 3 euros. I ordered tap water, but the waiter said it wasn’t drinkable. I paid 60 reais in 355ml of beer the night before, so I thought it was fair to pay almost 14 in 300ml of water, although it wasn’t enough to quench my thirst.
I spent hours at the sea, plagued by guilt for losing control and consciousness the night before. I was lucky Mitchell was a nice guy. I tried to accept that the past was no longer in my control, but it was very hard to forgive myself for putting myself in that situation.
The most important memory of Back to Single Life Party is a mental note: fun with awareness. My future is made of my present choices.
44 – TAKING BACK CONTROL
Google Maps showed the subway station was disrupted that September morning. Throughout the day, I’d find out that many other stations were also closed. It seemed that all of Madrid was under construction.
All the hosts who offered me an accommodation on Couchsurfing lived far from the center, and I was rushing my trip through Spain to enjoy a few days of rest at a friend’s house in Portugal.
I walked more than expected with my backpacks until I found the hostel where I’d spend the next two nights. I went up three floors, settled into a bed by the window, and sat there for an hour or so. Looking up at the ceiling, I talked to myself, still convincing myself that the night in the Ibiza party was left behind. I put on the headphones and played a meditation song.
As I controlled my breath, I assessed my mind with every inch of my body, starting with my toes. Flashbacks from the Ushuaia Hotel shone in my mind when my eyes were closed, taking me away from the present. When I realized I was rambling, I scanned my body again.
After 20 minutes of exercise, I took a shower and went for a walk around town aimlessly. The streets of Spain really won my heart. I happened to find a free walking tour from the Puerta Del Sol Square and decided to go with it.
Plaza Mayor, El Sobrino del Botin Restaurant, La Catedral de la Almudena, Palacio Real, La Osa and Madroño, until you return to Puerta del Sol, where the city’s ground zero is located. During the tour, I met a Brazilian named Cínthia, who lived and worked in Ireland. We kept together for the rest of the afternoon.
I went back to the hostel when it was getting dark and again I enjoyed the sense of well-being that always overwhelms me as I walk at dusk. All the mistakes were left behind in those magical minutes and I felt great and happy again. How to put that sensation in a little pot to take it every hour? It felt like a carnival drug.
I took another shower, made sure my makeup was looking good, got into the same flowery dress of almost every night out and left to meet my new Brazilian friend. The hostel where she was staying organized a pub crawl almost every night. It cost 8 euros and gave access to four nightclubs with free shots in all of them. Before leaving, I said to myself: have fun without losing control.
On the way from bar to bar, I spoke briefly to the Colombian guy who was leading the group of young drinkers, and soon realized that this was a kind of job I could do, earning a percentage for every tourist who accepted my invitation to join the group. I saved the idea for the next city and had fun.
The average age of the pub crawl group that night was between 20 and 24 years old. Nothing much different from the general age of the people in pubs we had already visited. Cynthia, 32, and I, 37, were some of the oldest people everywhere on the tour.
At the last nightclub, my Brazilian friend leaned up against the dark wall with a 19-year-old boy, in a kiss so hot, breathless, and full of hands that caught the eyes of everyone around. From a distance, I was watching and laughing at that Hollywood kiss in the sound of sensual reggaeton.
At that moment, a group of four boys was also having fun with the scene. Lucas, the most handsome of them, approached me smiling.
- I’m sorry, but I think you’ve lost your friend forever.
- I know. She surrendered to kindergarten – I joked.
- Yeah, she definitely went to the dark side – he said, looking back at the new couple who were practically devouring themselves on the wall. – You can join us if you want.
I approached the group and was introduced to the other three friends, whose age seemed to be more compatible with mine. Carlos, a skinny guy with curly hair and glasses, was getting married next week, and this was the night of his bachelor’s party. I congratulated him and quickly turned my attention to Lucas.
Very short hair, trimmed beard, and green eyes that watched me with seductive attention. I hadn’t noticed his presence at the bar until he came and talked to me, but the minute I looked into his eyes, I couldn’t look away.
A literature professor, Lucas was interested as soon as I said I was starting to write a book about my trip. Our conversation flowed very well, when his friends said that they were going to another club. Before I could cover my disappointment, Lucas put his hand on my back and invited me to join them.
- Oh, come on. This isn’t a bachelor’s party you see in the movies, with women in costumes coming out of giant cakes – Carlos said, trying to convince me.
- I bet your friend won’t even miss you – Lucas pointed at Cinthia, who continued her display of sensual kisses.
I was reticent about continuing the night. The conversation with Lucas was very interesting, but I wondered if it wouldn’t be wise to go home. Three shots and two beers were good enough after the Ibiza blackout.
- I appreciate the invitation, guys, but I’ll go back to my hostel. There’s nothing for me to do here and I don’t have the energy to continue the night with you. Time to go to bed.
The next evening I had dinner with Simone, my coach, who was on vacation in Madrid with her husband and two friends. A delicious restaurant I could afford by planning my budget well before leaving Germany, I was allowed to enjoy it. Finally, I was able to travel with less than 30 euros a day.
I walked alone on that pleasant night. I walked on the streets randomly until I got sleepy and went back to the hostel for my last night in Madrid.
45 – RECONNECT AND REFLECTIONS
I went up the nice cobbled streets and waved to a lady who was watching the movement from the top of her yellow balcony. It was, once again, my perfect time of the day. The temperature in Lisbon was a little colder than the rest of Europe, and I could feel all the tranquility of another sunset again.
I left without a map that afternoon, looking for the Santa Luzia Viewpoint. I walked where my intuition sent me, asked for information, and ended up seeing the sun setting behind many small houses, on top of another very beautiful viewpoint, full of tables and a group of musicians playing bossa nova. Not sure if it was the Santa Luzia Viewpoint, Graça Viewpoint or any other I found on the way. The sky was already changing color and I didn’t want to miss the show.
I leaned against the wall watching the sky go from bright orange to dark lilac and wrote all the good things that have happened to me since I left Ibiza in my gratitude journal. Because of anxiety and guilt, I hadn’t written much in my gratitude journal and I felt that I needed to focus on the good things on my trip again.