On the third day in Vang Vieng, Juliana and I were being carried by the Nam Song River, sitting on buoys and stopping at various bars. The activity was as much fun as it was dangerous, so when we were “caught” by the first bar, I said quietly to myself, “Let’s have fun without losing consciousness, Paula.”
At the end of the day, I was wet and slightly drunk trying to warm myself up in a bonfire prepared exclusively for those who came out of the tubing. I could not feel happier to have lived another unforgettable experience.
Vientiane is the capital of Laos and that’s where Juliana and I said goodbye to our adventure together with a new haircut. It was also there that I finally got my emergency card and withdrawal approved by my bank after six days of daily calling and a lot of patience on my part.
Juliana flew to Vietnam and I returned to Bangkok by bus.
103 – THE WORLD’S MOST AMAZING SUNRISE
At 4:30 am I was already cycling through the dark streets of Siem Reap toward the Angkor temple complex in Cambodia. The cool dawn wind was like a balm of tranquility that anointed my body. I was proud and happy to have changed my plans and exchanged the Philippines for Cambodia.
I fell off my bike as I entered a bumpy street and injured the same knee that I had injured in the motorcycle accident in Pai, Thailand. It was so dark, I couldn’t see the seriousness of my injury. I just sat on the saddle and kept cycling so as not to miss the sunrise.
After six miles of pedaling, I sat in front of the main temple and saw one of the most beautiful nature’s shows of my life. A red fireball appeared on the horizon, revealing the ruins of that mystical and impressive place.
Angkor was once the world’s largest capital and center of the Khmer Empire. The main temple, which gives its name to the whole complex, is considered the largest religious monument on the planet, and spiritual energy still pulses from the immense rock walls that holds centuries of history.
I was in Siem Reap only for a few days, I arrived by bus after I got my cards back in Thailand and there I met André and Renan, two Brazilians of the travelers family in Phi Phi.
I kept communicating with Cristián with videos, photos and text messages. I didn’t like the need I had to talk to him every day. This emotional dependency was all I didn’t want to live in a relationship, but he said he couldn’t wait to see me again, and I rushed in and drew the end of my life’s journey.
I bought a ticket from Cambodia to Auckland, New Zealand, and finally the stretch from New Zealand to Chile. I would finally cross the Pacific Ocean completing the world tour.
- Novinho, I bought my ticket to Chile. I arrive in Santiago on March 8 – I said.
- You can’t imagine how happy I am, gata pra caralho. I’ll pick you up at the airport. I want to take you to my family’s beach house and make love to you all day – Cristián replied, reassuring me that I was doing the right thing.
Two days later, however, when I was on my way to Koh Rong Island, he simply stopped responding to my messages and we never spoke again.
104 – ACCEPTANCE AND FORGIVENESS AT SEA
The hostel where I was able to exchange work for accommodation was on a pretty private beach. I had no idea that Cambodia had such a beautiful sea. Every day as I helped prepare breakfast, the clear blue of that crystal clear water stole my attention. How lucky I was able to stay for free in such a beautiful place.
Twice a week, the hostel hosted hundreds of backpackers for an electronic music party, and since I worked as a bartender at the party, I got good tips. Life was almost perfect, except for the forgiveness I needed to give Cristián for ignoring me right after I bought tickets to Chile.
I never thought I would have the guts to confess, but this is a book to exorcise my demons and show that, despite having a beautiful light of resilience and determination, I also have shadows of pain and need inside me. I knew I could have changed plans, postponed or even canceled my trip to Chile and thrown myself to Indonesia or the Philippines, but I still hoped to meet Cristián when I arrived in Santiago. I hate to admit it, but as I said, these are the pages of all my truths, even the ugliest ones.
Besides, I had a great excuse in case my expectations were not met: to meet Henry, my American friend from Koh Phangan, and also to make an extraordinary expedition with my friend Patricia through the Atacama Desert.
After ten days of living and working on the Cambodian seashore, I had to leave for the capital Phnom Penh to do my biometrics for my transit visa at the Australian embassy.
The night before I left the island, I sat on a rock by the sea and watched the full moon rise in an unbelievable orange hue. While the sky was still darkening on the horizon, I had another beautiful internal conversation that resulted in another love letter for myself.
Kon Rong, 23 February, 2019.
You’ve been through this before. You also thought Felipe’s wound would never heal, but it closed. Cristian’s wound is infinitely smaller and less painful. You know what to do.
He’s also just a human being looking for the experiences that make the most sense in his life. You have nothing to forgive him for, forgive yourself for placing so much expectation on a travel adventure. He is not to blame for anything.
You are always with yourself. You are the only one who can take care of you and comfort you. You can cry today, everything is fine. But this trip still has magical experiences waiting for you. Stay open. You deserve to enjoy this amazing trip that you have sought until the end.
I love you and I keep holding your hand.
105 – A VISA AND A CHANCE
It had been 18 days since I had applied for a transit visa to Australia. The average deadline to be granted was 15 to 20 days and I had not yet received any embassy position. When I made the connection at the airport in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, I could not board.
For 15 seconds I was in despair, but then I took a deep breath and told myself that I had a problem to solve and tears and regrets would not help.
I called the Australian embassy, but the clerk said I had no prediction and that all I had to do was wait or buy a direct ticket from Auckland. I should have done it from the start, but I didn’t realize the connection that made the ticket cheaper by $300 would be in Australia.
I booked a hostel for three nights in downtown Kuala Lumpur and delayed my ticket. Since there was nothing else to do, I was grateful for the opportunity to get to know another Asian country and decided to make the most of my days in Malaysia. Something inside me was still telling me to cancel New Zealand and Chile and leave for the Philippines, and to be sure of what to do, I wanted to be quiet in the coming days, including on social networks.
The only exception I made was to video chat with Stephany, a former co-worker whom I only came to call my friend as we started to virtually talk upon my arrival in Bangkok. With her, I shared the anxieties of waiting for the visa and my quest for self-knowledge and spiritual connection. My moody sister Stephany also had access to my deepest sentimental secrets. Because we were alike in our emotions, I felt understood and welcomed by her.
In my days in Kuala Lumpur, I walked through Chinatown, through the Petronas Towers, and the beautiful and colorful Hindu temples of the Batu Caves. I recorded a little of everything, but only posted a summary on my last day as I drove to the airport.
Inside the subway, I was overwhelmed by a sense of belonging. I looked at the expressions of people coming and going around the city and felt inexplicable compassion. Does anyone here knows they are their own universe? Am I aware of that myself?