Out of respect for my mother, I will not give details of that evening’s conversation. It was an argument with a lot of yelling, accusations, and unpleasant words. I’ve heard things no child should hear. And as I was very hurt, I also said things I hope I will never repeat.
I was aware that staying at my mother’s house at that moment would not help me. Quietly, I talked to her and ended up moving with Max the next day to my best friend’s house. Michelle has done more for me than anyone on earth. To this day, I do not doubt that her friendship is one of the most precious things in my life.
In the days until my departure to Toronto, I packed a much smaller backpack than the two bags I carried to Bahia, and I gave my sister the power of attorney to sign anything on my behalf. Felipe and I still had a house that could be sold while I was gone. And of course, I didn’t want anything to oblige me to come back to Brazil before my heart desired.
I had dinner with my closest friends at Michelle’s. We drank sparkling wine and I told them some of the beautiful and difficult things I had experienced in Bahia. I received the affection and encouragement from them all. This energy was key to help me overcome my anxiety before embarking on my first destination country.
On the eve of the flight to Canada, I gathered my brothers, brothers-in-law, and nephews for a pizza at my mother’s house.
The night with my family was very special. I improvised a speech at the dinner table, but I was so moved that I brought everyone to tears. My mother said beautiful words that gave me back the feeling of warmth lost on the night of our fight.
I boarded to Toronto with the conviction that I was doing the right thing by giving such a special trip as a gift to the most important person in my life: myself.
10 – OLD REFERENCES
Suelen and her husband were waiting for me at Mississauga Airport. The last snow of Ontario’s winter was still covering the pavements, and although it was very cold, I felt warm in my friend’s embrace; a friend who genuinely understood me.
Without a doubt, she was one of the most important women in my adult life. We met during an English course I did in New York in 2011. We started talking in the kitchen of the hostel where we were staying and the connection was immediate. It was like a reunion of two souls, after several separate journeys.
Two feminist women, with a very similar way of experiencing life and love. Time was never enough for all the talk we wanted to have. With time, our friendship consolidated and we met again many times in São Paulo, Curitiba, Rio de Janeiro, and even in Florida. Whenever one of us had problems, WhatsApp worked as therapy and it was no different when I got divorced.
On the day of my separation, the trip to Canada was the first thing Suelen suggested. But I was afraid to go and lose Felipe forever and I said no. I was afraid of losing what I no longer had.
I had to start the journey slowly. First Rio de Janeiro, then Bahia, and when I knew I no longer wanted the life I had before, I was able to launch myself into another country.
When I arrived in Toronto, I could smile and look at my life with optimism, but I still talked a lot about Felipe and our life together. All my references were stuck in those 14 years of marriage. I couldn’t find any different experience to use in my conversations.
- You don’t stop talking about him, darling. You find a way to include him in your stories in almost every conversation.
Hearing that from Suelen hurt me deeply, but I recognized that it was true.
You know that friend who is in-love and keeps talking about her new boyfriend? Well, my experience showed me that the brain acts the same way when rejection takes over emotions. The vast majority of people, either men or women, cannot focus on another subject.
Although I had been in zero contact with Felipe for over a month, my mind was still obsessed with the matter. It was pretty hard to admit that after three months, I still wasn’t over the end of my marriage. Of course, my ego was offended by Suelen’s warning. So, despite defending myself against that accusation, I admitted that it was true. Since I couldn’t talk about it with her without crying, I did it through WhatsApp and asked to end the conversation.
11 – FORCE OF NATURE
Among our group of friends were the jokes about mother Suelen’s witchcraft and obeah. But the fact is that we all believed in her advice and her obeah sympathies.
A few days after our WhatsApp conversation about Felipe, Suelen offered to give me an herbal bath. With all the love in the world, she prepared water of lavender, sea salt, and other spices, and set a meditation tune to play in the bathroom. After I finished the bath, she came in with her affection potion.
It might have been just water, but I felt the energy she had put into that tea.
Standing inside the tub, facing the tiled wall, I felt her carefully pouring all that scented water over me and holding my hand tightly. Meanwhile, the guided meditation said, “I am a force of nature that cannot be stopped.”
Suelen cried and so did I. During that bath I really felt an unstoppable force of nature.
12 – HOW IRONIC
As I lived my days of laughing and confiding with Suelen, I refined my daily meditation and decided to look with more compassion toward myself. I began to understand that every human being on this planet needs their time. I tried harder and harder not to talk about Felipe, and it was in that effort that I became aware of how much I still thought of him.
I started creating a routine of activities in Canada and I was already enrolled for a month of classes at an English school for immigrants. I was determined to keep meditating and exercising. In the beginning, I even offered to help Suelen do a nutritional re-education so that I would also maintain discipline.
Suelen is an extremely humorous person who was responsible for my daily doses of dopamine with the bouts of laughter she caused me. I certainly needed those hormones and she was an expert at giving me the best laughs. We had so much fun following her husband’s physical exercise routine, as he is a physical therapist.
With a refined wit to tell any story, Suelen could be both classy and hilarious, talking about the stories of her cousins and their difficult lives as Law students living on the outskirts of Sao Paulo and attending a highly-renowned university in the city.
On my first weekend in Toronto, we bought a bottle of wine and Suelen convinced me to make a Tinder profile.
- How ironic! I’m signing up for an account at the app that helped ruin my marriage, I said.
Slightly drunk, but under my friend’s supervision, I gave some likes and went to sleep.
During the week, some profile matches appeared and I started talking with two interesting men. A kind Peruvian with beautiful photos, and a Canadian, of whom I was not convinced by the photos, but who had a very short description that sounded funny to me: “I love to play volleyball”.
When I read it, it seemed to me that he was making fun of being on Tinder. As if he was trying to say, “This is a relationship app, do you think I’m here because I like to play volleyball?” Then I discovered that he really meant only that he liked volleyball and was looking for someone with similar interests.
My date with the Peruvian was not as pleasant as our message exchange. Besides being shorter than me, something about his approach didn’t convince me. I thanked the beer and unmatched him as soon as I got on the subway back home.
Chatting with the Canadian was more objective and formal, and that’s why I wasn’t very excited.