15 – UNCONSCIOUS BEHAVIOR
One night in an online chat, I said I was searching cities to see in Europe and Jordan wanted to know if I already had my airline ticket to the next destination. We had been seeing each other for a month now and the meetings were getting more and more frequent.
I didn’t have any tickets yet, but I said I did. And that changed things between us completely.
I knew why I was lying very well, but it took me a while to realize that was the trigger that drove him away from me. Only when I began revisiting my notes from that period I could realize my expectations were built on my own view of the world, on my previous experiences.
Rejected, I expected him to ask me to stay. But that’s not what happened.
When I realized that, I also understood that we don’t always understand what the other says exactly. All the information that comes to us also goes through our filter. So when he didn’t say what I expected to hear from him, I felt even more rejected. In fact, he said nothing and I understood his silence as indifference.
From that moment on, the relationship changed completely. Jordan no longer texted so often and we began to see each other less.
Every time we were together, everything was magic. I could tell by the way he looked at me and touched me that he really wanted to be with me, but I couldn’t understand the reason why he would just disappear the next day, making me feel really rejected and anxious.
I kept disguising my anxiety until I finally bought a ticket to Scotland.
On the other hand, believing that my trip was already sorted since weeks ago, Jordan kept trying not to get attached. I’m not sure, but maybe he didn’t want to show that what we had was nothing more than an affair without any commitment either, because I seemed to be living my life without including him in my travel plans.
I understood his distance based on my rejection beliefs and hid myself behind a “I don’t want to commit myself to anyone either” mask. Meanwhile, maybe Jordan was just trying to protect himself.
By playing that ridiculous little game, trying to make myself look all independent and detached, I pushed him away completely.
16 – CONSTRUCTION AND DECONSTRUCTION
When my English course finished, I started working as a waitress at some events around the city, which kept me busy and active, and I secured a few dollars. I also made an appointment with a coach to see me online and help me discover my purpose. I knew that after that trip I’d like to work on something that I was passionate about. And I was no longer sure if journalism was that job.
I was working hard on building myself as a new woman and I was really willing to invest in her.
A few days before my birthday, I met Jordan again and the connection between us was absolute. When we said goodbye that morning, we had a long conversation without saying a word. We just stared at each other and smiled, swapping soft kisses on our arms, hands and neck. When I said goodbye, I silently thanked him for everything being well between us and got a message from him as soon as I came home. “Thank you for the lovely night. As usual, time flies when we are together.” After that, he disappeared again for several days.
I’d already mentioned I intended to celebrate my birthday in Montreal. After all, since Jordan showed no interest in seeing me, I wanted to have something very interesting scheduled for the most special day of my life.
During the week Jordan asked me how things were in Montreal, and I said I hadn’t traveled yet. Disappointed, he regretted not having spoken to me before, as he wished I had been with him on a visit to a friend. I just wondered why the hell we wouldn’t ask each other things.
Arriving in Montreal, I stayed at a gentleman’s house, who was too grumpy, and at the same time too affectionate, for the local culture. This was my first Couchsurfing experience and a girl from Uzbekistan shared the host room with me. She invited me to a Bachata class, a sensual Dominican dance much appreciated in Canada.
On my birthday’s night, I joined a group of travelers I met on the Couchsurfing website and visited Mount Royal and Saint Joseph’s Church. We had dinner at a restaurant that is specialized in Poutine, traditional dish made of french fries with cheese and barbecue sauce, and ended the night at a very sweet and polite Canadian guy’s home who was hosting three boys; one from France, one from Sweden and one from Russia. A Chinese and a Swedish girls were also in the group and I heard “Happy Birthday” in many different languages.
Although I was confused by everything that was happening, or rather, by everything that wasn’t happening between Jordan and me, I had incredible days in Montreal and I was charmed by Ottawa, the capital of Canada. Even though I spent only a few hours in the city.
I went back to Toronto determined to accept that my romance with Jordan was what it looked like: a brief relationship. I did my best to accept that I would no longer see my Canadian guy and made a supernatural effort not to send him any more messages.
17 – WHAT IS OBVIOUS HAS TO BE SAID
A few days before my departure, I got in touch with Jordan with the excuse I wanted to rent a mini car to go around with a friend of mine, a Brazilian girl, who was in Toronto. He complained about the formality in my message and I finally decided to open up.
I explained that I didn’t understand why he had been distant. I said that I felt rejected and then I also kept my distance trying to protect myself. That’s when he finally reached out to me.
He used the expression “you are running away,” literally.
- You are running away and I’m just trying not to get attached – he wrote.
- You never explained that to me. When we meet everything is perfect, but then you go away and I feel rejected – I opened up.
- Please, forgive me, I didn’t mean to make you feel rejected. I was only trying to keep some safe distance because you’re leaving me – His words made me feel relieved but pissed off at the same time. Why the hell didn’t we have that conversation before? Now my trip is already sorted.
- I’m leaving in three days and I wanna see you – I wrote, straight to the point.
- I wanna see you too – Jordan confessed.
Suelen, owner of a self-esteem and self-confidence that only Beyoncé has, had tried to convince me of the what was obvious several times, but I kept seeing things based on my previous experiences. I couldn’t see things with any rationality. I hadn’t realized I was totally emotional most of the time.
We met on the subway on a Saturday afternoon. It had been almost 10 days since we had seen each other and I had even forgotten how handsome he was. I was very happy to see him, but I thought it might not be a good idea to meet him so close to the trip to Europe. Why mess up my feelings even more with short time left to cross the ocean?
It was stronger than I.
As usual, Jordan was creative at the meeting and took me for a walk to a small festival on the streets of a residential neighborhood.
Food stalls, local artists exhibit, children’s recreation and various performances by buskers. After some coffee to warm us up, while we were taking a look at an artist’s stall, he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto a more deserted street that was behind the fair. I had already understood that Canadians are more reserved when it comes to showing affection.
The last time I’d sneaked to kiss someone, I was in sixth grade. He smiled and hugged me bringing his body and his lips close to me. Once again, his gaze at that moment assured me that all was well again. Everything was fine as it always had been. Time stopped again and we kissed. He may not have noticed, but my voice trembled as I uttered I missed him in the last few weeks.