"Because it's mine. I can do with it as I please. If I want to smash it into a million pieces then I do it!" Raisa spat out at her.
"Will you do that to me some day?" Carolyn asked suddenly.
All anger left Raisa's face. Suddenly she understood Carolyn's question. And she rushed to her side.
"No," she said softly trying to reassure her. "No, I would never hurt you."
Carolyn stepped away from her and surveyed the room once more. "Violence seeps into everything in this country, even here," Carolyn said to herself.
"You sound like my mother!" Raisa said in anger.
"Perhaps, that is what she ran from!" Carolyn regretted the words as soon as they had come out. Raisa bolted and ran out like an injured animal.
"Wait! Raisa wait!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Carolyn got to the verandah only to see Raisa gallop away. She would have to wait until she came back to talk to her. She kept telling herself she should never have said that to Raisa. She had trusted her with her pain and it had been used against her to hurt her. Carolyn had done the same thing that everyone else had done. She had hurt her.
"Oh Raisa, I'm so sorry."
Carolyn walked back inside. Nona met her as she walked into the house.
"She will come back."
"I hurt her," Carolyn said sadly.
"She is wild inside. Very much like her father," Nona said sadly. "Adele loved him but in the end..." Nona could not finish. Her head bent down in sadness.
"Nona, what happened with her mother? She told me some things... but I don't think she herself understands what happened."
Nona looked at her with doubt. "I can't..."
"Please help me. I love Raisa. Whatever is chasing her is coming between us."
"Come." Nona started walking towards the verandah and sat down in a wicker chair and Carolyn sat in another opposite her.
"Adele, Raisa's mother, married Martin, her father, when she was barely 19. I worked for her family in Italy then. Adele was beautiful and vibrant. She was very much like Raisa in some ways. But of course not quite," Nona smiled indulgently.
"Martin, was handsome and charming. They fell passionately in love. Adele's father objected to the marriage and they eloped. Adele got in touch with her family about two years later. They loved her, so some ties were repaired."
Nona now took a deep breath before she started again. "She was lonely for her homeland and her people. That's where I come in. I agreed to come and help her with Raisa; she was expecting another child then, Andreas. Right away, I noticed that things were not going well between them. Adele was short tempered and Martin was not indulging."
Carolyn waited patiently.
"After Andreas was born, things just seemed to get worse as time went by. Martin showed favoritism to his son. He was the male child Martin had wanted and Adele fought with him constantly because he ignored Raisa. Still, there was this thing between them that kept the marriage going... until it all exploded one night." Nona, became very sad and quite suddenly seemed to age in front of her.
"They fought, and I think that things just went too far. Martin had been drinking. Adele ran out of the house and he went after her. When she returned her clothes were torn and dirty, and, worse of all, she did not speak for days. When Martin came back in the morning he locked himself up in his study and drank for days. She told me she was leaving him. She said she had to leave or this land would kill her. She said she would make arrangements later for the children and me. She never did; Raisa never forgave her. I can still see my little girl... she stood in this verandah everyday for a month waiting. She never believed that her mother would really leave her, you see."
Nona looked up at Carolyn now. She could see the questions and the horror on her face.
"I never heard from Adele again. Martin never spoke of her and refused to have anyone speak her name. He never allowed the children to go out of the country even when Adele's parents requested to see them."
"Oh Nona, how awful. Raisa was just a child."
"I don't think she ever forgave either Adele or Martin. But, at least in her mind Martin stayed. She became the son he wanted."
"And Raisa, the little girl, just got lost along the way," Carolyn said sadly.
"She is still there when she puts her head on my lap. When she is tender and out there in the land that she loves, then she is my little girl again. She was adventurous as a child. A little too wild but she was kind and tender. She adored her mother. When she finally accepted that Adele was not coming back for her a part of her just died inside, I think."
"No wonder she is so angry," Carolyn whispered out loud.
"She is fighting herself all the time. Sometimes, it is stronger than she is," Nona said sadly. "You also hate this land don't you, like Adele did?"
Carolyn looked at the old woman and nodded. "She has been so different here until today. I fear the violence Nona. I fear Raisa sometimes too," Carolyn said lowering her head.
Nona put her hand over the younger woman's.
"She is like that horse she loves to ride. His name is Furioso. Furioso is wild and head strong, hard to handle and won't let anyone ride him, except for Raisa. That animal is a beast except with her. He loves her and she loves him. He would never throw her and she would never whip him. Do you understand Carolyn?"
"I think I understand, Nona. I just don't know if I can live with it."
"You have to look beyond what you see and see what you love."
Carolyn looked at the old woman and did not understand somehow.
"Adele loved Martin. But, they stopped looking, and all that was left was fear and anger."
Carolyn looked up as Raisa was riding up to the house. Carolyn got up and kissed Nona on the cheek.
"Thank you. I understand a little better now."
"Go, cara mia. Go to her," Nona said gently and walked back inside the house.
Carolyn waited as Raisa got off the horse and someone walked over to take Furioso from her. But before she handed the reins over she caressed the horse's mane and spoke gently as she rubbed her face against the animal's head.
Raisa walked up to the verandah and passed Carolyn without a word. Carolyn took a deep breath and followed her.
~~~~~~~~~~
Raisa walked into her bedroom and started taking clothes off as she walked into the bathroom. Carolyn came in and locked the door behind her. She could hear the shower going.
"Well, it's now or never," Carolyn murmured and started taking off her own clothes.
~~~~~~~~~~
Raisa had a storm of emotions all whirling around inside her. She was angry, hurt, and she felt caged and full of raging energy.
She didn't hear the shower door open. When she felt arms come around her she turned in anger ready to strike. Instantly, Carolyn cringed; Raisa reached for her and pulled her to her.
Carolyn melted into the arms that held her. Her hands started stroking Raisa's back and slowly she felt the woman in her arms start to relax. When Raisa put her head down on her shoulder Carolyn said the only thing she could and she knew it wouldn't be enough to express her regret. "I'm sorry."
Raisa's arms tightened around her. "Please forgive me...I'm so very sorry," Carolyn whispered into Raisa's hair. Raisa nodded and Carolyn kept reassuring her with caresses and phrases of love.
~~~~~~~~~~
Raisa sat at the head of the dinner table with Carolyn on her right and Simon on her left. Andreas sat on the other end. Dinner had been pleasant and cordial.
"So when does the procession start tomorrow?" Andreas asked as he was eating his dessert.
Raisa looked up at Carolyn. Andreas was oblivious.
"This flan is really good. Nona really outdid herself," Andreas said looking down at his dessert.
"What procession?" Asked Carolyn.
"I forgot about the invitations to the Copeco execs completely," Raisa said as she placed her hand over Carolyn's.