~~~~~~~~~~
When Carolyn woke up in the morning she felt stiff she stretched as if to bring to life a body that had been dormant for many years. For a moment she put out her hand to her eyes to block out the sunlight. She then looked around the room. Leaves were strewn everywhere. The marble floor seemed wet near the French doors that were still stood wide open. Carolyn got up slowly and walked over to the welcoming sunshine coming from outside. She looked around her garden and was suddenly filled with newfound vigor. All was covered with the dew of a new morning. She could hear the singing of the birds and her nose was suddenly filled the smell of roses. "Mmmmmm...." She breathed in and closed her eyes in a comforting gesture. "The night is over.... It's a new day."
~~~~~~~~~~
The old woman held Raisa tightly to her and wept. Raisa was immediately filled with guilt and regret.
"I'm sorry it's been so long Nona." She held the old woman in a tight embrace as well. "I've been busy.... I should have come sooner."
"How long can you stay this time?" The old lady was looking into her eyes now.
"A few days, I can only stay a few days," Raisa said sadly looking away.
"Come, let us sit in the shade for awhile."
Raisa followed Nona to the verandah and sat next to her.
"Antonio bought some new horses. You might like to see if there is one that might please you in the bunch." Nona looked at her tentatively.
"No, I will just ride whatever when I come to visit. There is no need for me to select an animal for myself."
"Raisa, you must forgive yourself for Furioso. You must let that go," Nona said gently.
Raisa got up quickly and walked over to the railing. She looked at the sights that once had given her so much joy and somehow she realized she had lost that feeling. She no longer felt peaceful here.
"I killed him Nona. He trusted me and I killed him." She spoke with no emotion.
"Raisa..."
"We can't lie to each other you and I." Raisa turned and was now facing the old woman. "I killed him."
Nona looked down unable to dispute the truthfulness of the words. "You were not yourself in those days."
"That is no excuse, he trusted me, loved me and I, with no regard, took his life because..." Raisa turned her back to the old woman unable or unwilling to continue.
Nona looked up now. "If you speak about her perhaps the ghosts will leave you," the old woman said softly. "Raisa..."
"No," Raisa simply said.
"Mi Angel..." My Angel...
"I don't want to have this conversation," Raisa stared firmly.
"Raisa, you have to let this anger go. It is making you..."
"Evil!" Raisa and faced the old woman with a cold mask on her features.
"No mi angel, you are not evil," the old woman said sadly.
"You are the only one that believes that." Raisa walked further down the verandah then turned to face Nona again.
"I am getting old Raisa, I want you to find some peace before I leave this world."
Raisa suddenly closed the distance between them and knelt down in front of the old woman.
"Are you ill Nona?"
The old woman smiled and caressed Raisa's face lovingly. "Not ill little one, just old."
Raisa put her head on the old woman's lap and as expected the Nona caressed the dark tresses.
"I have missed you little one," the old woman said softly as tears ran down her face. "You have let this anger live inside you too long. All your passion for life has turned into something else." Nona continued to speak softly and gently to her.
"You are all I have Nona," Raisa said and looked up at the old woman.
"You must allow yourself to love Raisa. Or you will disappear one day. Mi angel, I won't always be here. I want you to allow your self to love again."
"I don't want love. I don't need it," she said curtly and got up.
"Raisa!"
"No! People like me should just stay away from those sentiments. Have you forgotten it all? Don't make me into something that I 'm not! Don't lie to yourself."
"Raisa! Andreas' death was not your fault!" Nona said firmly.
"I should have been there. All he ever wanted to do was live here in his beloved Virago, he went into Copeco because of me, because of all that happened when..." she trailed off.
"After Carolyn left. Why don't you say her name and go on with your life."
"Because I can't! Because she was my life. Because.... Nothing mattered after she left me." Raisa finished saying and she turned her back to the woman as her eyes began to fill with tears. "Because, when she left I felt nothing. I ran Furioso to his death. I ...only thought of what I wanted. Andreas came to Copeco because I wanted it. He died out in that rig because I sent him." She finished with a sob.
Nona walked up to her and held her tightly. Raisa tried to pull away at first then just allowed herself to let go finally.
"All I know how to do is destroy Nona. All that I ever loved I have destroyed." Raisa pulled away and stared out into the forest. "I can't even feel anymore. I can't or I won't... I don't know." She closed her eyes and at that moment Nona saw the years that had passed show on her face.
"Mi Angel..."
"I can't even be here at Virago."
"Andreas would have wanted..."
Raisa interrupted. "It's not Andreas!" She continued softly. "It's her. Don't you see Nona... it's still her. I never learned to live without her. I just exist."
"Then change your destiny."
"What?" Raisa turned and laughed. "Nona, it's been 10 years. Its too late."
"When your mother left..."
"I don't want to talk about..." Raisa interrupted only to be interrupted by Nona.
"You will listen! When your mother left she was hurt inside and angry; mostly she was frightened. Martin was a lot like you." Nona was looking at her very seriously now.
Raisa looked down.
"He should have gone after her. She loved him even then. She would have come back."
Raisa stared at her in disbelief. "Come back to what? To his anger; to this country that she hated? To those who loved her!" Raisa stood in shock of what she had just said.
"Yes, to come back to those that loved her," Nona continued softly. "She loved all of you. He shut her out because she had hurt him. She was the only one that could and it was more than he wanted to admit." Nona looked towards Raisa and noticed that she was really listening.
"Adele would have come back. They were both too frightened and too proud."
Raisa looked at her now. Her eyes showing all the insecurity and fear that she held inside her.
"You don't have to make the same mistakes. Change your destiny Raisa or you will be no better. You can start by picking out a horse tomorrow."
Raisa looked at the old woman. Encouraged by her silence Nona continued.
"Ride around Virago. Allow your self to find the peace it once gave you. And open up that room." Nona finished saying sadly. "Walk inside it and allow yourself to remember."
Nona kissed her on the cheek and left her. Raisa looked out into the lush jungle in front of her and wondered if perhaps she should try.
~~~~~~~~~~
Later on that night after dinner she took a walk around the house. Somehow and without having planned it she stood in front of the French doors that had been closed for almost 10 years. She tried the doorknobs and was surprised to find that they turned easily. She opened them and walked inside the bedroom. It was spotlessly clean and yet all that had been left there that night was still in the same place. The dress she had worn that night was still over the chair. Small details to some but it gave one a feeling like she had just been there only a few minutes ago.