Raisa walked over to the vanity and lightly touched the perfume bottle that she had given....
She picked up the bottle, opened it and brought the snifter to her nose. As the scent filled her senses she finally said the name that she could not bear to hear out loud.
"Carolyn...Carolyn..." The tears that she had not shed all of a sudden seemed to come forth. "Carolyn..." She fell to her knees and cried into the night.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Mom...Mom?"
Carolyn sat in front of her desk staring out the window.
"Mom?" Simon called out again, walking closer to her.
"Oh! Simon, I'm sorry sweetheart. I was distracted." She smiled at her son and walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek. "How was school today?"
"Oh, you know. Mom can we go to the mall later? I need to get something."
"What happened to your car?"
"Nothing, my car's fine. I thought you and I might eat something and maybe see a movie or something."
Carolyn smiled. "You thought that, hmmm?"
"Yeah, maybe we could do some shopping you know.... And maybe stop by a few stores."
"You want new clothes, hmmm?"
"Oh come on mom," he said laughing at having been caught out.
"Okay, let's me see if Amanda can have dinner with your grandparents."
"Sounds good, I'll leave my stuff upstairs and then we can take off."
"All right."
~~~~~~~~~~
The mall was full of people as it usually was on a Friday afternoon. They had done some shopping and sat down near the food court. They finally decided to have a few things from different vendors and both mother and son began to eat their meal before going to see the movie they had both finally agreed on.
"Mom?"
"What Simon?"
Simon looked at her sadly. "You do that a lot more now," he said simply.
"Do what darling?"
"You kind of just leave."
"Simon, what are you talking about?" She asked while laughing.
"I'm older now Mom," he said to her.
Carolyn still looked at him not quite understanding what he was trying to discuss.
"I knew about you and her," he said suddenly and looked down at his food now.
Carolyn just froze and stared at her son.
Simon looked up and saw the uncertainty in his mother's eyes.
"I always knew," he said and looked down at his food again. "I didn't understand a lot of things then."
"Simon, I don't understand" Carolyn was not sure exactly where this conversation was going or what it was that Simon was exactly referring to.
"That night," he looked up at his mother then looked back down again. "I heard you and Raisa."
"What did you hear?" Carolyn could feel the shakiness in her voice.
"I heard it all. Then Dad came in and all that other stuff that happened..." he trailed off.
Carolyn held both her hands together in front of her. She locked her hands together to stop their shaking. Suddenly Simon's hand was over hers. Carolyn looked up with tear filled eyes.
"I understand a lot more about stuff now Mom," he said sadly to her.
"Simon, I don't know what to say to you." Tears started rolling down her face.
"You started just drifting off like that when we came back here."
She stared at her son not quite understanding yet trying to.
"You just look out somewhere and you leave."
"Simon, I'm sorry," Carolyn said softly and looked down at his hand still over hers.
"No, I'm the one who is sorry Mom."
"Honey, you..."
"I remember you tried talking to me when we went back to Caracas. I told you that if we didn't leave and we stayed there with her I would leave with my father."
"Simon, you were a child."
"Mom, I knew, okay." He looked away feeling ashamed. "I knew Mom. I knew you wanted to go back to her. I knew."
"Simon," Carolyn said gently. "That was a long time ago. And I made the right choice."
Suddenly he seemed desperate to discuss this with her.
"Maybe you can try to talk to her."
"No, that was a long time ago Simon. And I left because I chose to not because of anything you might have said. I don't want you to carry this guilt inside you. I chose Simon, I chose."
"Mom, I just want you to be happy. I know you're not. I was a stupid kid. I didn't want to see a lot of things then." He looked ashamed again. "If being with a woman is what makes you happy than I want that for you."
"Oh Simon, that's is very good of you. But darling..."
"If you want to leave my father I will go with you, Mom, and so will Amanda."
Carolyn looked surprised.
"I know you aren't happy Mom. I know all the stuff that has happened all these years. I know about Amanda too."
"Simon..."
"I won't ever tell her I swear," Simon said quickly.
"Simon darling, I don't know what you think you know. But..."
"Mom, I remember you crying telling her how he raped you."
Carolyn stared and saw the pain in her son's eyes.
"Simon..." She didn't know how to answer this or how to comfort him.
"Mom, I know about all the women and I know that he treats you like shit."
"Simon..."
"Sorry Mom. I know you don't like me talking like that. But that's what he is."
"Simon..."
"I want you to be happy Mom. I remember how you laughed when you were happy."
"Simon..." Carolyn allowed the tears to finally fall freely down her face.
"Let's go watch that movie Mom." He squeezed her hands and smiled at her. "We can talk some more later, okay? I just wanted you to know that I want you to be happy. And I will go with you wherever that happiness may be. okay?"
Carolyn smiled at her son. "Okay Simon. When did you grow up anyway?" She smiled as she asked.
"It kind of snuck up on me," he said and they both laughed together.
~~~~~~~~~~
Raisa woke up lying on the floor. She had fallen asleep wallowing in her pain and feeling her inadequacy. She got up and walked out into the open verandah just as the sun came over the horizon. She looked around Virago and tried to remember the inner peace she used to get. So much had changed. No longer did she have Andreas to remind her of her humanity and to believe in it.
And then she allowed herself to think of Furioso. How could she have had such little regard? Raisa took a deep breath. Perhaps Carolyn had been right. There was too much violence in her. She had killed that animal without a second thought. All that she knew that day was that Carolyn was leaving and that she had to reach the plane before it took off with her. She had killed that fine and noble animal. She had thought of nothing but what she wanted. Raisa shook her head trying to dispel the guilt she still carried within her.
And what of Andreas? She was responsible for so much pain. At that moment she also came to terms with her violent nature and accepted it. She would not deny what and who she was anymore. There were times that she denied it, like with Carolyn, and times that she wrestled with it. God knows Andreas had known that. And then there were the times that she had just nullified her humanity and done whatever it took to win. Like with Copeco and all that had happened 10 years ago. She had justified over and over again each and every death. And perhaps, it was just, that she never felt any joy. How many had died so that her power and wealth would grow and surpass what any human being could ever need or want?
Raisa looked out and silently prayed for a sign of something. Some spark that would let her know that she was still alive. The only time she felt anything was when she remembered Carolyn from time to time within the last few years. Then all she felt was pain and more pain. She was ashamed to admit she didn't even weep for Andreas anymore. She had lost the ability to feel anything other than that.