That night Raisa stood before the glass wall in front of her and looked at all those lights and as she took a deep breath she turned around and went to bed. And as she lay her head down all that kept going through her head was the word....Tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~
"I don't know why you just don't send her in the car," Matt said in exasperation.
"I enjoy driving her to school, Matt."
"Did it ever occur to you that she is spoiled? That's why maybe she is having these temper tantrums."
"You know one day you are going to actually say something intelligent and I am going to miss it," Carolyn said as she picked up the keys and left him with his coffee cup half way to his mouth.
Carolyn could see that Amanda had just gotten into the car. She walked over to the driver's side and got in.
"Ready sweetheart?"
"Yes, mom." She kept looking out the window.
Carolyn sat and watched her daughter who had almost stopped looking at her straight in the eyes these days. Slowly she was loosing Mandy and she knew it. She just didn't know how to stop it.
Carolyn caressed the dark tresses of hair and the child turned around to face her. For one brief moment she saw fear in those eyes.
"Amanda..."
"We are going to be late, Mom." The child once again turned to look out the window.
"Amanda, what's wrong baby? I can't help you if you won't talk to me," she said softly.
"Nothing's wrong, Mom."
"It hurts, Amanda," Carolyn said and as her voice faltered the child looked at her again. "It hurts me that you can't talk to me."
"If I ask you something will you tell me the truth?" The child finally said and was looking at her mother intently.
Carolyn thought for a moment then looked up and nodded her head.
"Are you my real mother?"
Carolyn's face showed her surprise. "Yes, of course I am."
"I don't look like you or Daddy."
"You look like my father's family sweetheart. They have dark hair and dark eyes like yours," she said tenderly as she caressed the soft cheek of her child. "You are my own beautiful little girl."
Amanda looked at her hard and long and suddenly Carolyn could see the change and realized that she had believed her.
"Can I ask you one more thing?"
"Yes."
"Who is Raisa Andieta?"
Carolyn did not hesitate in her answer. "Someone I knew a long time ago."
"Daddy didn't like her, did he?"
"No," Carolyn said sadly.
"Okay."
~~~~~~~~~~
Carolyn dropped Amanda off at school and started with her usual errands. It was Monday and on Mondays she picked up fresh flowers and went to her favorite little café for coffee next door to the flower shop.
As she was walking out of the florist she came to a sudden stop.
"Hello," Raisa said gently. "Can I help you with those?"
"Oh, um..." she seemed to be juggling the bouquet suddenly.
"Here, you hold on to those and I'll take these." Raisa took possession of some of the blooms. "Is your car close by?"
"Yes, I'm parked right there," Carolyn answered in a daze.
Both women walked quietly. Carolyn opened the car and placed the flowers inside the back of her car and then closed the hatch. She turned around and again was faced with a memory from long ago.
Raisa smiled. "I've heard that place makes great coffee," she said as she pointed to the very shop that Carolyn had been headed to before.
"Yes, yes it does." She felt awkward and infantile.
"Would you have some with me?" Raisa asked simply.
Carolyn thought a moment and then her answer was "Yes."
Both walked in unison. Neither was daring to speak for fear of saying something wrong. Raisa pulled the door and Carolyn entered. They both automatically went to Carolyn's usual table. Carolyn smiled to herself. The cappuccinos were delicious.
"How long have you been in Dallas?" Carolyn finally spoke.
"Only a few days."
"Matt didn't say anything," Carolyn said looking away.
"Matt doesn't know."
Carolyn looked at Raisa again. Raisa began to drink her coffee again.
"Do you like it?"
"Yes." Raisa met her eyes again with a smile and was rewarded by one in return.
"Will you be here long?"
"I'm not sure."
Carolyn knew when Raisa was being evasive so she decided to change the subject.
"How is Andreas?" Almost immediately she saw the pain register in Raisa's face.
"He died 8 years ago," Raisa answered looking down at her coffee cup.
Carolyn's hand covered hers. When Raisa looked up Carolyn could see the tears welling up behind the eyes that once had said so much to her.
"I'm sorry," Carolyn said sadly. "I'm so sorry."
Raisa looked back down and her other hand began to caress the hand that Carolyn had placed over hers. Such a simple thing, Raisa said to herself, and such comfort by the mere touch of her hand.
"Love never dies," Raisa finally said out loud.
"No it doesn't, Carolyn replied and as she did Raisa's eyes met hers once more.
"How did it happen?"
Raisa removed her hands and began to fidget. And suddenly Carolyn saw so much of Raisa in Amanda, the withdrawal and the tenseness, the fidgeting and the raw emotions.
"Out on a rig," Raisa answered looking out the window.
"I'm sorry," Carolyn said sadly.
"He should never have been out there," Raisa replied without looking at Carolyn again.
"I'm glad I got to meet him. Andreas was a very special man."
"Yes, yes he was." She paused for a moment then became all business like. "He left a son behind."
"He was married?" Carolyn asked with a smile.
"No, he was not." She did not offer any more explanation.
Carolyn said nothing and Raisa faced her once more.
"She took his money and left him his son," Raisa said bitterly. "She killed a part of him. I killed the rest."
Carolyn stared and could see the old anger poking its head again.
"Raisa..." Carolyn felt her heart go out to the beautiful woman in front of her who tried so hard to be strong and whose pain came through so clearly.
"I'm sorry, I'm running late. It was nice seeing you again," Raisa said as she quickly got up to leave.
Carolyn said nothing as she walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~
Carolyn had driven around all day aimlessly. She was bombarded with an onslaught of emotions. Raisa brought in some ways a ray of her forgotten vigor and youth. Raisa, of course, had also brought back other memories. And along with all the good came the bad. Carolyn once again had felt first hand her moodiness and her inability to face...and suddenly Carolyn saw it clearly. Raisa didn't run from love. She never had. Raisa had always fought for it and rejoiced it. Raisa ran from being loved. Being loved frightened her. Because suddenly Raisa would be faced with the possibility of hurting someone she cared for. In her own way Raisa thought that if they didn't love you, you couldn't hurt them.
Carolyn stopped in front of her garage and just let her head fall back. She raised her head as the truth was finally revealed after all this time. Raisa had been afraid of her.
Carolyn had always mistaken her bravado and her passion for aggression. And it had been neither. It had been her need to pull what she wanted to her. It had been her need to hold what was precious to her. It had always been the fear to loose. She had lost all that she had loved. Thank god she still had Nona, Carolyn told herself otherwise, once having known the passionate woman, her pain would be unbearable.