Her refusal hung in the air between them like a double-edged sword with no grip.
He had no choice but to take it, never mind the blood and pain. “That’s what we are, Jilly, weapons. And when we’re not together, we’re half the weapon we could be. Which makes us useless in this war.”
He knew the point of her weakness, her impulse to come to the rescue of hopeless cases. Though the underhanded ploy caught in his throat, he added, “How can you deny us—deny the world—this chance to be saved?”
Her brows drew hard together, as if she sought to rally her defenses, but when she opened her mouth, no sound emerged.
From below them, Ecco clanged up the stairs, grumbling to himself. When he saw them on the landing, he stopped to stare between them. “What? Did you beat her? It wasn’t that big a mess.” Then he shoved past them out into the warehouse.
Liam rubbed at his temple. Beat her? He hadn’t pushed her that hard. Had he?
Her stricken expression had blanked when Ecco interrupted. Her arms, which had been wrapped around herself, fell to her sides. “Of course. Whatever we have to do to stop Corvus. Shall we hunt?”
He should have felt the thrill of victory, that perfect bone-deep righteousness when the hammer haft smacked into his palm. But he felt nothing.
As he gestured her ahead of him out of the stairwell, he didn’t feel as if he’d found another weapon. No, somehow he knew he’d lost here.
CHAPTER 26
The creeping chill that had invaded Jilly with each of Liam’s sensible words hadn’t abated by the time the talyan hit the streets. Liam had announced at their prehunt docking-bay gathering that he would not—would not, he said—lose another man.
They were traveling on foot, en masse, and yet Jilly had never felt so alone.
Their black ghosting shapes, reven flickering, were strung far enough apart as to seem completely unrelated, just a few more random, artless tags on the cityscape. She didn’t even have a sense of what they were doing tonight. Every word had seemed to come at her from a distance, wrapped in gauze. Gauze would’ve been nice over Liam’s needle-sharp words earlier.
He didn’t even know how he’d stabbed her. It was all so clear to him. She’d been a fool to ever think there could be more than saving the world for him.
Certainly she wasn’t enough.
And yet she couldn’t accuse him of a talya’s massive conceit when she was the one who wanted to be put ahead of the world in his estimations. He was right; there was nothing more important than what they’d been chosen to do.
And if she had to give up herself to a man who was interested in her only as a tool, well, it hadn’t killed her mother. Only drained her soul. And Jilly had already given that up.
A hand on her arm distracted her. Sera peered into her eyes. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Jilly said. The talyan were spread out enough that none would overhear. Not that she would have said anything else anyway.
“You look a little out of it.”
“Sorry.” Jilly drew in a shallow breath. “I won’t let anyone else die because of me.”
Sera frowned. “I didn’t mean—”
“Never mind.” Jilly shoved her hands in her pockets, for once not having to avoid the nick of the crescent blades. There’d been a new jacket waiting for her when she joined the talyan in the docking bay. The puffy silver wasn’t like anything the other talyan were wearing, but sewn into the interior were clever, secret sheaths for her knives.
She knew whom the jacket had come from. With the way she was going through clothing, she should be glad the league had a uniform allowance.
Despite her silence, Sera didn’t pull away. Instead, her sidelong glance seemed to study her like an Arctic-core sample. “How are you and Liam getting along?”
“Does it matter?”
Sera seemed to take the question at face value. “Maybe. There aren’t enough league records to know if the mated-talyan bond was always by choice.”
“You’d think institutionalized rape would be a bad way to fight evil.”
Sera recoiled. “Liam would never—”
Jilly hunched her shoulders. “No. Of course not. I’m just . . .”
“Feeling shanghaied again.” Sera nodded. “Like you were thrust into a life—signed, sealed, and delivered—with a man you don’t even know.” Her hazel gaze was sharp. “With a man you might not even have chosen.”
Jilly had thought she didn’t want to talk about it, but curiosity pricked her. “You and Archer get along so well.”
Sera smiled. “When Ferris was a rich landowner’s son a long time ago, he would have shown me to the servants’ entrance. When I was a thanatologist helping people accept their coming deaths, I would have happily booted him along the way. But there’s something between us. . . .”
“Compulsion.” Jilly ticked the word off on her thumb and continued with, “Stockholm syndrome. Masochism. Oh, insanity . . .”
Sera tapped her chin thoughtfully. “So you’re saying you guys aren’t getting along real well?”
“He sees nothing but the league. I’m nothing to him but a weapon.”
Sera shook her head in disagreement. “More than that.”
“Right. A potentially backfiring weapon. So not even one he can trust.”
“If he doesn’t trust someone, it’s himself. I’ve seen him looking at you.”
Jilly rolled her eyes, but some of the deep freeze in her veins melted. “I won’t play those high school games.”
“Why? You didn’t learn anything from the kids you worked with?”
“Learn? I taught them those sorts of games can get you in big trouble.”
Sera sniffed. “You know, you’re as bad as he is. No wonder you’re meant to be together.” When Jilly prickled, Sera added, “I bet by the time those street kids came to you, they’d figured out that sometimes being alone and on their own isn’t as romantic as it seems. Sometimes it is just lonely.”
“Nobody thinks being alone is romantic,” Jilly objected. “They ran because they were scared, abused, unwise, tired of being unwanted.”
Sera just looked at her. “Sound familiar?”
Jilly tried to summon up a suitable glare, but her lips twitched with reluctant amusement. “Didn’t you give up your counseling day job? And anyway, I’m not dying. Although I suppose the night is young.”
Sera smiled back without restraint. “That’s the thing these bullyboys don’t understand. You’re possessed, not gone. You’re still you.”
“Nobody wanted me for who I was then either.” Jilly bit her tongue. She hadn’t meant for that to slip out.
But Sera just nodded. “I think that awareness of being alone must be an effect of the penance trigger. As if others can sense the flaw that runs through us from then on, that cracks us apart. They know they won’t be able to bridge the gap and fill the void. Only one man will be able to do that.”
Jilly stared at her. “Your talya mate.” Her tone fell flat. All this time, when her friends from work and her meager social life had teased her about being too picky, actually there’d been only one man. One she would’ve said was totally wrong for her.
Not to mention totally uninterested.
She peered at Sera. “You haven’t told Archer any of this, have you?”
Sera hunched her shoulders. “He’s a little sensitive about entwined fates and destinies, crap like that. I love him, but seriously, I imagine men like him are the reason the league has lost track of its feminine counterpart. Talk about commitment issues.”