All of the previous confusion fades and a mixture of emotions stares back at me. Jen is obviously angry and ready for blood. She would defend me until the day I die, whether I was in the right or not, and I’m so thankful for a friend like her. Carly just looks sad; you would think I ran over her dog or something. She looks as crushed as I feel, and the sympathy is pouring out of her.
Campbell, on the other hand, has been very silent. I’m sure that Jen caught her up on all of the drama while it played out in front of her, so there is no need to go through the back-story with her. She has always been the down-to-Earth, call-it-like-she-sees-it friend, who told you how it was, even if it meant that you were wrong or made you feel like shit. Love it or hate it about her, she always meant well. We are the only family she really has, and we love her like a sister. Her silence means she is overanalyzing the situation, and I’m probably not going to like her conclusion.
“Okay, Cam, give it to me,” I sigh. “I know the gears in that head of yours are cranking, so give it to me.”
She hesitates, which only makes me scoot farther towards the edge of my seat. She still hasn’t said anything to me, only given me a half-hearted smile, which is Campbell code for, ‘you don’t want to hear what I’m going to say.’
“Oh, shit, that bad? Just spit it out already,” Jen interrupts. I pin Jen with my eyes, silently scolding her for the interruption.
“Sorry,” she mumbles and looks down at the table.
“Look, I’m not sure I know the whole story here. It’s been a long time since there was ever a ‘you and Brooks’. After you were over, you planned your forever with Will, so this is all a little overwhelming for me.”
I’m taken off-guard by the direction of her speech, and all I can manage is a slight nod.
“No one ever would have thought that Will would die so young or that Brooks would enter your life again so soon after, but here you are widowed and in love with the man you–we all–swore to hate.”
I adjust on the chair, ready to defend him, but she holds her hand up to stop my interjection. I’m not even sure what I would really say. What he’s done is not something to defend, but I don’t like the idea of people hating him, either. I certainly don’t hate him, angry with him, yes. If I’m being honest with myself, I still love the prick. But that doesn’t mean that I can pretend like he didn’t lie to me.
“Viv, I’ve never shared a lot about my childhood with you guys. Jen probably knows the most, and even that is not a lot. Does that mean that I lied to you?”
“No, of course not. Those are your stories to share, and we would never make you feel like you had to tell us anything.” I grab her hand, reassuring her of my feelings about her, and the horrible life she had bouncing around the foster care system.
“I had some great fosters, and some monsters for fosters, but the thing about it is, I could control none of those situations. Some of the children of those monsters were the very ones that protected me from being hurt worse. It was what I endured, and am I proud of some of the things that happened? No. Do I tell people everything that happened to me? No. That doesn’t make me a liar; it makes me human.”
“Of course, Cam, we love you. You’re like a sister to us, and we would never think differently of you because of what happened when you were younger. If you didn’t tell us, you had your reasons,” I add.
“Campbell, hun, what does this have to do with Brooks?” Carly asks.
Campbell huffs with annoyance at our slow uptake. “Seriously, guys, you don’t see where I’m going with this?”
We all shake our heads.
“Well, no fucking wonder you are in the position you’re in,” she sighs, which completely pisses me off. I knew I wasn’t going to like this conversation, but damn.
“I knew it ten years ago, and I know it now. Brooks loves you, Vivian. That man would do anything in his power to protect you, even if it means hiding something from you in order to keep you from being hurt. Brooks didn’t tell you about his biological father because he wanted to guard you from the pain of knowing the truth that he struggled with. Right or wrong, his biggest fear is that you would judge him for something that he has no control over. When you found out, you ran; you proved every one of those fears correct.”
Well, shit. That just makes me feel like a big piece of judgmental crap. Will always told me how important it was to consider the perspective of the other person and sometimes a person needs to judge the intention and not the action to understand a situation. This is a prime example, and I utterly failed.
“Damn you, Campbell,” I say, finishing off my drink. “It was easier to just be mad at him.”
She laughs and finally picks up her neglected gin and tonic to take a small sip. It’s a rarity to see Campbell drink; she usually orders a gin and tonic, but then nurses it all night long. It’s her way of being with all of us without drinking, which is something that makes her a little uncomfortable. I’ve never seen her intoxicated.
“So you see, hun,” she says, placing the full drink back on the table. “Brooks didn’t tell you because he thought it would change how you feel about him. It’s the same reason why I don’t share my past with people. He wanted you two to have a happily ever after, and you knowing the truth could prevent that.”
“Still, I think he should have told her,” Carly adds. “How do you have a relationship without being completely honest with the other person? That doesn’t seem fair.”
Carly’s thoughts were exactly where I was at before this conversation. Campbell was right. Brooks was just trying to protect both of our hearts. His tattoo is all about seeking forgiveness, and all this time I figured it was only about the faking-cheating-disappearing act he put together in college. Really, it’s more than that. It’s about me forgiving who he is; it’s about me accepting him, even with the father that he has. This entire time he has been silently begging me to save him, but instead, I let him drown.
Well, fuck that. I’m done being the weak one. It’s time for a grown-up Vivian; one that will eat alone at a restaurant, one that will finally confront the man that killed her father, and one that won’t quietly let this relationship slip through her fingers. If Brooks needs a life preserver, I’m going to bring the whole damned Armada.
I feel my breathing pick up and my face flush. This determination thing is sending my heart rate into dangerous levels. Before anyone can answer Carly, I push back my chair and jump down from the stool. I grab Campbell and squeeze tightly, whispering a heartfelt thank you in her ear before pulling away.
“What are you doing? Where are you going?” Jen asks as I gather my purse.
“I have a lot to get done for what I plan on doing tomorrow. Don’t worry, I’ll call you.” I blow them a kiss and turn to rush into the crowd, towards the door.
Saturday
Vivian
It took every bit of willpower not to text Brooks back last night after we both left the bar. I shoved my phone between my mattresses and then continued to toss and turn throughout the night with his words rolling around in my head. When I woke up this morning, it took an entire pot of coffee to revive myself from the dead. I busied myself with as many activities as possible throughout the morning; I made the kids chocolate chip pancakes, we went to an early movie, and Amanda even went with us out to lunch. Now I’m sitting outside a place I never thought I’d be, waiting for a person I never in a million years ever wanted to talk to.
It took over an hour to get to the United Postal Service distribution center in Commerce City. Raymond rides the RTD from the halfway house in Greeley to his job here each day. Apparently, the company is very selective when hiring prior felons, but because of the degree he earned and the mentoring work he did while incarcerated, he was hired, but with a longer work probationary period. The terms of his parole are extremely strict; missing the bus, missing work, having holes in his schedule that have not been cleared through his parole officer or half-way house supervisor will result in a violation of his parole, and would mean more prison time. So far, he has stayed in line.