“I’m doing great. What about you? Where are you headed off to so early?”
“I’m going downtown. I’m not sure what time I’ll be back.” I’m definitely not in the mood to answer questions about Charlotte so there’s no way I’m saying who I’m meeting.
“Okay. Be careful. Have a good day. I think I’ll finish my chips and then take a nap.”
It’s a little wild seeing Mom like this. She’s always been one of those girls who thinks she has to look perfect all the time. Even if she’s in the garden or at The Village she always looks perfect. I think that’s part of what intrigued me about Charlotte. She was so different than what I was used to.
“See ya later,” I say before walking out.
It’s a long ass ride to the city, but I’ve done it a million times. I pull out my iPod and listen to music, wondering what the hell I’m doing.
It’s a couple block walk once I get off the train. As soon as I round the corner on 52nd Street, I see her. She’s already standing in front of the coffee shop that Mom goes to. I didn’t know where else to tell her to meet me and now I don’t know why I’m thinking about stupid things that don’t matter like why I picked the coffee shop.
Her hair is shorter. It’s up to her shoulders and I wonder when she cut it. She’s wearing jeans and I realize that as long as I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her wear pants. What does she look like in the winter? It’s crazy just seeing her not surrounded by her lake.
When I look at her from this far away, all our summers slam into me and it’s almost like from this distance, just looking at her, I can almost forget all the bad shit that happened.
For the first time, I think I want to, but then that last night body slams its way in and I remember how many more of her moments that Alec has than me and I wonder what’s the point? We were young, stupid kids and we tried to make something work that never would have.
I’m about to turn around and walk away, but of course that’s the second Charlotte turns around. The crowd doesn’t matter. There aren’t hundreds of other people around us like there always are in New York. Her eyes land right on me.
This would be way, way easier if she wasn’t so beautiful. I almost forgot how she goes right to my head with just one look. It’s always been like that, even from the first glance in front of the cabin when I didn’t understand what it was.
Charlotte lifts her hand and gives me a small, nervous wave. There have been so many people who’ve come and gone in my life. We’ve never seen each other for long periods of time or really known each other beyond our summers, but every time I see her, even when we were confused or I was depressed or whatever, things always feel a little better when I look at her. No matter the time that’s passed or how one of us might have changed we always still knew each other. I could look at her and see through her to the bits and pieces of her I knew so well, but standing here now, for the first time, I feel like I don’t know Charlotte anymore.
And it really fucking sucks. Which then makes me pissed at myself because she kissed Alec. She let me walk away and she never even told me why.
I’ve never been a pussy before, and I refuse to let myself be one now. I shove my hands in the pockets of my shorts and walk toward her. “Hey.” I nod my head at her and then feel like a douchebag.
“Hey…thanks for meeting me.”
“No problem. Let’s go get a drink.” I open the door for her and she walks in. It’s crazy and stupid, but I could swear she smells like The Village; all open air and trees and water.
I try to buy her drink, but she doesn’t let me. It probably shouldn’t bother me, but it does. If it were Alec, would he be buying one for her?
Charlotte and I head back outside and we’re lucky a table opens up. It’s close to the building and toward the end, which means we’ll get about as much privacy as possible out here. Which isn’t much.
“You’re taller,” she blurts out and then her cheeks go a little pink. “I mean, I think you are. Maybe you’re not, but you look like it.”
“Your hair’s shorter.”
She touches it, making me remember when I used to do that. How she’d shiver and I wondered if she could feel it deep inside her the way I could.
“Yeah. I cut it a couple months ago.”
I think maybe I should tell her it looks good, but I don’t let myself. Just like I don’t tell her it’s good to see her outside The Village. Or ask her how she likes it. Or tell her I’m proud of her. All I ask is, “What are you doing here, Charlotte?”
Disappointment creases her brow, before she says, “It’s kind of a long story. So much has happened, Nate. I want to tell you all about it, but I don’t know if you want to hear and—”
“—Is your dad okay?” I cut her off. Yeah I’m pissed, but I would feel like a prick if something happened to her dad and I never knew. Wasn’t there for her.
“Yeah. He’s fine. As fine as he can be. He’s hanging in there. The MS seems to have slowed down a little which is good. He met someone.”
“Wow.” I never expected him to. He seemed like not much mattered except his family and The Village.
“He says it isn’t serious, but of course it is. She’s at The Village all the time. She helps out there, too. She’s a nurse and works three days a week. If she’s not a work she’s at The Village.”
I can’t help but wonder if that’s why she’s here. If her dad has help now and she’s coming for school or vacation or what. But then…I know she wanted California, so if she’s going to school, I’m sure it isn’t out here.
“That’s cool.”
We’re both quiet and it’s the kind of silence I hate. It’s not like I’m real chatty. Marisol could get like that sometimes and it drove me crazy. This silence is strangling and awkward. “What are you doing here?” I ask again.
She seems distracted, watching people as they walk by.
“Is there somewhere else we can go to talk?”
I almost say yes, but I feel like she’s stalling. “Here’s as good as any place.”
Charlotte flinches, making me hate myself a little. I don’t want to be the guy to make her feel that way.
“School…I’m going to Vassar in Poughkeepsie this fall. Alec and I are out here for two weeks getting to know the city a little bit.”
Aaaand, now I’m pissed. She’s here with Alec, but she called me. That’s not even the worst of the thoughts injecting anger into my veins. A familiar ache in my chest develops that I haven’t felt since last year. She left The Village for him. She’s going away to college with him. Maybe it makes me a selfish bastard to think that way. Her dad needed her and I always understood that, but I still wanted her with me too.
But now she’s here, in my city, with him.
“Bet your dad loves that. I’m sure he’s cool with you leaving for school since you’re with his golden boy, right? Have a good visit.” I push to my feet, but she grabs my wrist before I can get too far.
“I’m not with Alec. I swear. I never have been. He’s my best friend and that’s all, Nate.”
“Then why can’t you tell me what happened that night? If you’re not with him tell me why, Charlotte. I deserve that much.” She flinches again, but doesn’t reply. “That’s what I thought.”
Her grip loosens and I start working my way through the tables and people. I don’t know how I know it, but she’s behind me. She always gave in when it came to her future, but that’s about the only thing.
“Nate,” she calls, but I keep going. “Nate!”
I turn a corner and I’m slowing down. Damn, I’m an idiot, because even though I’m pissed I can’t make myself just walk away from her.