The downstairs door opens, and Alec and Charlotte walk in.
“You didn’t tell me,” is the first thing I say when she walks in.
Charlotte looks at Brandon, then at me and back to Brandon again, putting all the pieces together. Alec is right next to her. I can’t read the guarded expression on his face and I don’t want to.
“How could I, Nate? I wanted to, so bad, but it was their secret to tell. It…it wouldn’t have been right.”
I’ve always felt like I fit with Charlotte. Like we belonged, matched even though there are things about us that are so different. We made sense and I felt like I would always fit with her.
But I was wrong. Just like last summer, they’re on one side, and I’m on the other.
“No matter what, I would always do anything to make sure you weren’t hurt. Do you know what it felt like to see you with him? It was like you punched through my chest and ripped my heart out. You could have found a way. Someway to tell me something at least so I wouldn’t spend all that time wondering what I did wrong or if everything was a lie.”
“I spent months the same way!” Charlotte steps closer to me. “After the first summer you just dropped off the face of the Earth and left me hanging. Don’t you think that whole time I wondered what I did wrong?”
“No.” I shake my head. “That was different. We hadn’t spent the summer saying we loved each other.”
“So? Saying it doesn’t make it truer! I always knew I loved you. I did everything I could to tell you I didn’t want to kiss Alec, without telling something that wasn’t mine to share. You’re the one who chose not to trust me.”
At that, the room goes silent. I’m breathing heavy. Alec has walked over to Brandon. Charlotte and I are standing about five feet apart, staring at each other. She’s right. I’ve probably always known it. I’ve thought about it lately, how I didn’t trust her, when I should have.
Words are lost. I don’t know what to say. Brandon’s cell ringing makes it so I don’t have to.
“Dad? What’s wrong?” I hear my brother say. He pauses. “We’ll be right there!”
Brandon pushes around me and heads for the door. “We have to go! Mom’s having the baby and they can’t stop the delivery.”
Alec drives Brandon’s truck because we’ve both been drinking. How screwed up are we? Our mom is in the hospital, trying not to go into preterm labor, and we’re getting drunk. Not that I feel any kind of buzz now, but still.
No one says a word, except for Brandon reminding Alec how to get to the hospital. We go to Labor and Delivery.
One of the nurses we’ve seen before is at the desk when we get in. She gives us a sad look.
“You guys are going to have to wait here. They’re delivering right now. I should have some news for you soon, okay?”
My hands are shaking as I nod. We take a seat in the waiting room. My right leg bounces up and down, but I can’t make it stop. I feel like I’m going to shake out of my skin.
I don’t know what to feel right now. I’m scared to death for Mom and the baby. For Dad. Scared of losing the baby. Hurt from Charlotte and Brandon. Confused. Guilty for not believing her or not realizing my brother held such an important part of himself from me.
I lean my elbows on my knees, head down, and try to take a couple deep breaths. Without letting myself think, I reach over and grab Charlotte’s hand. None of our problems matter right now. She locks our fingers together and leans into me. Kisses my shoulder and whispers, “I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
Just knowing there’s someone there to share some of the pain, helps.
My eyes find Brandon. Tears stain his face. He’s shaking just like I am. I see the fear in his eyes. Alec sitting beside him…yet he can’t comfort Brandon the way Charlotte does me.
Or I guess he can, but they’re scared. I cock my head, trying to figure out what that would feel like. To be so lost and freaked out of your own mind, but the fear of letting someone else see who you are is stronger.
It’s not only my pain that Brandon’s fear won the battle with, but his own. Yeah, he wasn’t honest with me, but it wasn’t to hurt me. And seeing him hear and knowing he’d probably like to have someone share some of his burden the way Charlotte does with me, shows me he’s suffered too. Longer than I ever have. Alec is within his reach, but he can’t go to him. Someone to support him, but he’d suffer alone. I hate it.
“Go somewhere,” tumbles out of my mouth.
“What?” Brandon asks.
“We’ll stay here. Find a room or whatever you guys need. Just stay close. The second Dad comes out, I’ll text you. You shouldn’t be alone in this.”
Brandon rushes to his feet, grabs me and pulls me into the tightest hug. “Thank you. I’m sorry. Thank you.” Something tells me he’s thanking me for more than just this. Maybe this whole time, he’s been afraid we wouldn’t accept him.
“There’s nothing to thank me for,” I tell him.
When we pull away, Alec looks at me. The guy I’ve hated for four years. The one who’s hated me and maybe loves my brother, holds my stare and says, “Thanks, man. You’re all right, you know?”
I nod. As they’re walking away, I sit down again. I pull Charlotte to my lap, wrap my arms around her waist and bury my head in her neck. “I want my brother to be okay. Both of them.”
“They will be. I think the Chase boys can do just about anything.”
That one sentence gives me hope. It’s not the exact same, but close enough to the same thing I said before.
There are so many words that could be said right now; I’m sorry, forgive me, I trust you, I love you, but I’m not now is the time. Eventually? Yeah, but I think deep down, we all already know them, regardless.
Only twenty-five minutes after we get there, Joshua is born. He weighs 1.5 pounds. His lungs are weak. He has to have tubes all over him, but he’s here. And I know he’ll be okay. He’s a Chase.
Charlotte and Alec stay all night with us. Charlotte doesn’t let go of me the whole time. I don’t want her to. Alec is never more than a foot away from Brandon either.
In the morning, she and Alec make plans to leave. Their plane leaves to take them home in two days and they have things to take care of before they go.
Alec and Brandon have disappeared again. They’ve done that a lot over the summers, I realize, and it makes me feel even worse for them. So many times I could have tried to get to know my brother better. Maybe if I would have, he would have realized he could trust me. That I would always love him no matter what.
Charlotte and I walk outside. They’re taking Brandon’s truck back to our house for their things, and then a cab to the train station. It sucks not to be able to take them ourselves, but we need to stay here with our family.
When Charlotte looks at me, tears fill her eyes. “You’d think I’d get used to saying goodbye to you.”
I cup her cheek; brush her tears away with my thumb.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“No, I’m sorry. You’re right. I could have found a way.”
“Maybe you could have, maybe you couldn’t. I was selfish and jealous. I’m pretty sure I made it too hard for you to be honest, anyway. I don’t think it matters. None of us are perfect, Star Girl. I forget that sometimes. I think we all do, but that’s life, right? You make mistakes and you learn from them and you grow up.” That’s what we’ve done together—grown up. The first time I saw her, she was this skinny tomboy, who stumbled over her words in front of me and I kind of liked that I made her react that way. That I gave her something that no one else did.
And then the next year, she was giving that to me.
We’ve grown and changed, screwed up, but at the beginning of each summer, we found each other again. Or maybe we never really lost each other.