But she’d promised Lucinda no trouble. No rule breaking at all. In return she’d get to hurt the right people.
Uncurling her fist from the pen she flipped it into writing position.
‘Little tossers,’ she said, loudly enough for everyone to hear. Then she turned her back on them and, cold with rage, tried to block out the sound of their insipid giggles.
Once class began, though, she had no time to worry about what anyone was saying about her. She was so far behind in her studies she wasn’t certain what her teachers were talking about.
Chemistry was the worst. She took copious notes but, as the complex formulas and diagrams spilled meaninglessly across the pages of her notebook, panic rose in her throat like bile.
Am I too far behind to catch up?
Two days ago she wouldn’t have cared. But she’d promised Lucinda she’d pass all her classes and with so much at stake she now cared very much.
The biggest problem was that the teacher was Jerry Cole and, even as she struggled to understand the lesson, she was also working studiously to avoid meeting his eyes.
He was back to his normal, good-humoured self, making bad jokes about atoms and molecular structure. He smiled easily and she could see he’d made an unsuccessful effort to tame his wiry curls. There was no sign at all of the angry man she’d faced the day before.
When the class ended, she raced to join the queue of students streaming from the room, losing herself in the crowd. She was already congratulating herself on making it away when he called her name.
‘Allie – could you stay behind for a second?’
She froze, her heart sinking.
For a moment she considered just running out – pretending she hadn’t heard. Then, with heavy slowness, she turned to face him. His wire-framed spectacles glittered in the light, hiding his eyes as he motioned for her to sit in a desk on the front row.
After a brief hesitation she perched stiffly, her arms crossed in front of the book bag in her lap.
He leaned back against his desk. Allie thought he looked uncomfortable; his feet moved restlessly.
‘Allie, I wanted to clear the air about yesterday. It was a difficult day for both of us and I would just like to put it behind us.’ Wary, Allie watched as he took off his glasses. His eyes looked tired. ‘You know, the things that have been happening here – Jo’s death, your injuries – they haven’t only affected students. Teachers have feelings too. And we’ve all been under a lot of strain this term. But if I’m to teach you, then you need to be comfortable around me. You need to know I’m not judging you all the time. So I hope we can work together again the way we have in the past. I think you’re a good student – and a good person – and I enjoy having you in my class.’
His words sounded genuine and she longed for things to be normal again. He was offering her something she really wanted.
‘I’m… sorry too,’ she said shyly. ‘For… well, all the stuff I did.’
He visibly relaxed, as if he’d been as nervous about having this conversation as she was. It was disarming and she found herself feeling better about things.
‘Good. I’m glad,’ he said. ‘Well, now that we’ve settled that… I want to talk to you about something more mundane – chemistry.’ He chuckled and Allie smiled politely as he polished his glasses on a cloth he took from his pocket. ‘You’re quite far behind with your work and I know how hard it is to catch up with this class. Once you’re behind things can spiral out of control fairly quickly and before you know it’ – he held up an empty hand – ‘you’re being held back.’
She kept her expression blank but tightened her grip on her bag.
Is he going to hold me back? Even hearing the possibility expressed aloud was humiliating. Hot blood rose to her cheeks.
‘I don’t want that to happen to you,’ he continued, oblivious to her tension. ‘But I think you’ll need some extra help to get you up to speed. I’ve spoken to Rachel Patel, and she’s offered to tutor you for the rest of term. As you know, she’s one of our science stars so I think this is a great idea. Given your previous high scores, I think you can catch up with the class if you work hard – can I count on you to do that?’
A sudden burst of hope, warm as sunlight, filled her. He still had confidence in her. He thought she could do it. And best of all, she’d be working with Rachel – maybe she could figure out a way to mend their damaged friendship at the same time.
‘Definitely,’ she said with heartfelt enthusiasm.
‘Good.’ He stood up and she knew their talk was over. But as she headed towards the door, he called after her. When she turned back he was looking at her oddly.
‘You’re going to be just fine, you know,’ he said.
Taken by surprise, Allie didn’t have time to be anything but honest. ‘I hope so.’
That conversation was the only light in an otherwise dim day, and Allie’s feet dragged as she lugged her heavy book bag up the stairs towards the girls’ dormitory wing after her last class.
When she saw a small familiar figure ahead of her, darting through the crowds of students, she swallowed hard.
‘Zoe thinks of you as a big sister,’ Isabelle had said. ‘She needed you.’
‘Hey, Zoe,’ she called out. ‘Wait up.’
The younger girl stopped in mid-stride. When she turned around, her expression was guarded.
Zoe was a prodigy – just thirteen, she was already studying well above Allie’s level. The two of them had been close last term but after Jo’s death Zoe acted as if nothing important had happened. She didn’t seem to care. Allie never once saw her cry. She just got on with her life as if Jo had never existed.
Early on, Dr Cartwright had tried to explain to Allie how Asperger’s worked but she hadn’t wanted to hear it at the time. It had just been too hard to take.
Now, though, her own actions seemed mean to her.
When she caught up to her, Allie rushed into her apology. ‘I just wanted to tell you again that I’m so sorry for the way I’ve treated you. It wasn’t fair. I’ve been messed up but I shouldn’t have… done that.’
Zoe’s face screwed up, and Allie knew she was thinking it over – flipping through the words as if they were numbers. Adding them up. Coming up with a reply.
‘I forgive you,’ she said finally. ‘But you can’t do it again or I won’t be your friend. And that’s for ever.’
Something fluttered loose in Allie’s heart. She couldn’t lose Zoe. She needed her. She spoke with a fervour she hadn’t realised she felt.
‘I won’t do it again, Zoe. I swear it. And I… I really hope things can go back the way they were. Please. Let’s just… be normal again.’
Clearly satisfied by this, Zoe gave a nod that sent her ponytail swinging. ‘Good. I want that, too.’
Side by side, they walked down the narrow corridor lined on both sides with small white doors, each with a number painted on it in black.
Tilting her head to one side, Zoe spoke with her usual bluntness. ‘Why did you run away? Because you were sad?’
Allie hesitated. ‘Yeah…’ she said eventually. ‘I was sad.’
Zoe seemed to accept this. ‘Where did you go?’
There was no easy answer to this question.
‘To church, in the end.’ Allie’s voice was rueful. ‘Although that wasn’t the plan. Like… at all.’
‘What was the plan?’
‘To go to London and find out who hurt Jo.’ Allie shrugged – it sounded so foolish now. ‘Somehow.’
‘Aren’t you from London?’ Zoe’s gaze sharpened.
‘Yeah…?’
‘Nathaniel would have found you immediately. He’d know right where you’d go. It was a terrible plan.’