“I’m sorry.”
He surprises me when he reveals, “I still really like you.”
My heart thuds hard in my chest when he tells me this. He still doesn’t look at me, but I decide to return his honesty and tell him, “I flew home and told my parents last weekend. I never told them before because I was afraid of what that meant for me.”
He looks at me when I say this and takes a moment before responding. “You don’t have to explain. I’ve been there. I felt the same way.”
I nod my head and finally realize that if only I would have been honest with him, he possibly could have really helped me. Maybe he still can.
“What did they say?” he asks.
Shaking my head, I turn to look away from him when I say, “It’s over. They threw me out, told me not to come back or call.” When I turn to look back at him, the look in his eyes is of disbelief. “I wasn’t completely surprised. I knew that would most likely be their reaction.”
“Then why?”
“I hoped it would help me come to terms with all of this.”
“Did it?”
“Honestly . . . I don’t know, but at least I’m able to tell you everything I was too scared to say before.”
We stand there without speaking when the mist turns into thicker sprinkles, but we don’t move. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I’m feeling anxious and extremely exposed right now. But he gives me a little hope when he turns to face me and asks, “So what do you want now?”
“I know I don’t have any right to ask you to forgive me, but I feel like absolute shit for what I did, and I’m so sorry.” I swallow hard when I admit, “I really like you, Mark. I just want a chance to show you that I’m not an asshole.”
“I know you’re not an ass, but you really let me down. I’m not sure I can trust you.”
“Let me show you that you can,” I say, and I know with those words that I can’t let my fears get in the way again. I need to face this. I need to learn to be okay with myself.
When I see him nod his head, I can’t fight my smile. I want to kiss him. God, I want to kiss him so bad, but I don’t. I just wrap my arms around him and pull him in for a hug. When I feel his arms band around me, I say once again, “I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
“No more apologies. Let’s just start over.”
He leans back slightly, and I don’t take what I want to take. I want him to know that I want something more than just that. So, I simply leave it with, “Coffee? Tomorrow?”
He smiles and responds, “Sounds good. I’ll call you when I wake up.”
I nod my head and take a step back when Mark opens his door and hops in the driver’s seat. Before he closes the door, he says, “Jase . . . thanks for being honest with me.”
“Thanks for giving me the chance.”
Mark called this morning like he said he would. I suggested we meet at Peet’s on the ground floor of my apartment building. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still anxious about all of this, but the feeling of not wanting to walk away from Mark is stronger than my fear of defining who I am to myself.
I shrug on a t-shirt and grab my keys before making my way to the elevator. I arrive before he does, so I go ahead and get a coffee before finding a seat by the window to wait for him. It’s raining pretty hard today, and I watch as it falls from the dark sky.
I pull my phone out and shoot Candace a text. I really need to talk to her about everything that’s been going on.
Can I see you later?
I sit for a while and drink my coffee before my phone buzzes with her response.
Yeah, I’ll be home.
Okay, I’ll text you in a bit. Love you.
“Hey, man,” I hear Mark say, and I shove my phone in my pocket as I stand up to give him a hug. I’ll take all the touches I can from this guy.
Seeing his coffee already in hand, we sit down and he says, “How’s it going?”
“Good. You?” I ask as he nods his head and leans forward, resting his elbows on the table.
“I was thinking about what you said last night. About your parents and all.”
I shake my head. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Are they all the family you have?”
“Yeah, but we haven’t been close for a long time. It’s not like we really ever spoke.”
He takes a long sip of his drink and sets his cup down. “So what are you gonna do?”
“There’s nothing I can do. It’s done with. They were pretty final with what they said. I know them well enough to know when they shut down, they don’t open back up.”
He shakes his head, and I know this bothers him. So I assure him, “I’m not alone, if that’s what you’re wondering. I have a really close friend that I’ve always considered my family.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Actually, I should probably talk to you about her.” I need to explain our relationship to him because I know it isn’t typical. He needs to know how we are, and I need to know if this bothers him.
“Okay? You’re making me nervous,” he says with a chuckle.
“No, it’s nothing crazy, we just have a strong relationship, and I want you to understand that it’s nothing beyond friends.”
“What do you mean?”
Leaning back in my seat, I tell him, “We’re really close. I mean, we’re physically close as well. It’s just always been that way with us. Her name’s Candace. She’s a sweet girl, but in many ways, extremely closed off. Her parents are dicks to her. But, anyway, I just need you to know that we spend a lot of time together . . . we spend a lot of nights together in each other’s beds. But it isn’t like what most people would assume at all. She’s just a friend . . . well, family really. She’s all I’ve had for a long time.”
He nods his head, but doesn’t say anything at first. I worry that he might not be okay with this, but when he says, “I think it’s good that you have someone like that in your life,” I relax a little bit.
“Are you sure you don’t have a problem with it?”
“Look, I don’t know much about you, but I hate that you don’t have a family that supports you,” he says, and I know his words are genuine. “So, if this girl can give you what you can’t find from anyone else, then yeah, I can be okay with it.”
Curious about his family, I ask, “So how did your parents react when you told them?”
“They took it pretty well. I didn’t tell them for what felt like a long time. I was terrified they’d react badly. I was scared shitless, to be honest. But it worked out. My parents have never treated me differently from the way they always have. They love me regardless . . . it really bothers me that you didn’t get that.”
I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy, wishing that I had what he has. How easy it must be, but in a way, he’s right. Although I have Candace, I still feel very much alone.
“Well, since I can’t introduce you to my family, you want to try and get together with me and meet Candace and her roommate, Kimber? They are pretty much who I spend most of my time with.”
He smiles, big, and it’s perfect. “I’d love to.”
I smile back and can’t really understand why he’s being so nice after what I did, but I’ll take whatever he gives me, and right now, it’s more than I deserve. “Okay. I’m going to see Candace later today, so I’ll find out when she’s free. Sometime this weekend?”
“Yeah, I have nothing going on. Just planning on taking it easy before classes start back up on Monday.”
When we finish our coffee, I look over at him and ask, “You wanna come over to my place for a while?”