Shifting back from me, he braces his hands on the sides of my face and looks into my eyes. I don’t hide from him. I don’t want to. He leans in and presses his lips onto mine. This kiss is different. I feel like I need it. Like I couldn’t breathe without it. So I don’t move as we linger in this moment for a little longer.
We finally drag our lips from each other, and I rest my forehead against his as I take in a deep breath. Mark holds my hand and walks me over to the couch to sit down. Leaning back in his arms, I say, “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
“I just don’t know what to do,” I admit.
“You’re doing everything you can do, babe. Was she okay when you left?”
“She was crying. I hate seeing her like that. She never used to cry. Ever. And now, it’s all she seems to do.”
Mark tightens his grip around me, and when he does, I feel a need for closeness consume me, so I decide to talk for a while. “She’s just broken, and I don’t know how to fix her. And now I feel guilty that I’m here with you and not there with her. But at the same time, I feel like an ass because I want to be here with you . . . alone. I know you want to have time with me, and I want to give you that, but I’m torn in a way, and no matter what, I feel guilty.”
“Jase, you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither Candace nor I feel that you are. That’s only in your head.” He takes a moment before he continues. “And yes, of course I want time alone with you. But I need you to want that too. Same page, right?”
“I do want that but not with the guilt.”
He shifts so that he is looking at me when he says, “Knowing that you want it, guilt or not, is all I need. I hate that you feel guilty, but I know it’s only because you love so much. I promise you, you’re not doing anything wrong, so you shouldn’t hold your choices against yourself.”
When I see the sincerity in his eyes, I try to convince myself of his words. I sit up and lean my elbows on my knees, and when I feel the touch of Mark’s hand on my back, I drop my head and blink out the tears that have been rimming my eyes. Thoughts of Jack start to pierce into my thoughts, and I grow angry as I think about how much this has changed her. When I think about what that piece of shit did to her, I feel my blood heat in my veins. Resting my head in my hands, I seethe, “I want to kill him.”
“Who?”
“Jack. The asshole that did this to her.” I stand up, not able to sit still with the bitter fury that is starting to overtake me.
As I pace back and forth, Mark scoots to the edge of the couch and says, “I know you do.”
My gut roils with anxiety and rage. Raking my hand through my hair, I turn to Mark and tell him, “She begged me to not do anything, but I have to. Fuck!”
“You are doing something. You’re giving her what she needs from you.” He says this so calmly, but I feel myself starting to lose it.
“It’s not enough when that son of a bitch isn’t paying for this shit!” I spit out and take my car keys out of my pocket. “Fuck it!” I rush to the door, but Mark lurches over the back of the couch and is there before me. “Get the fuck outta my way, man.”
“You need to calm your shit down,” he says in an even, stern tone.
Reaching out to force him to move, he takes one quick step to the side, banding his arms around my sternum and pinning my arms to my sides.
“Get the fuck off me!” I bend my arms and try thrashing my elbows into him, but I can’t get any movement.
“Not until you calm down.”
Adrenaline is pumping through me, but his hold is too strong for me to break. “You didn’t fuckin’ see her, Mark! You didn’t see what that fucker did to her!”
“I saw enough, man! I get it.”
“He fuckin’ destroyed her!” This time, when I jerk my body, I break his hold on me.
When I get to the door, he yells, “You’re the only one she trusts!” His words stop me from turning the knob. “If you leave, you’ll fuck that up for her.”
Everything tunnels, and all I can see is her on the bottom of my shower. My heart is heavy, and it beats hard against my chest. I feel so goddamn worthless. I don’t move as I speak into the door, breathless. “She’s never going to do anything about this. She’s just gonna pretend it never happened, and he’s never pay for what he did.” I choke back a breath as tears fall down my face and then turn to look at him. “So tell me . . . what the hell do I do?” I beg and when he steps to me, I drop my head into the curve of his neck and break.
Mark wraps himself around me and doesn’t loosen his grip. I feel myself start to calm down and try and force myself to relax. “I feel worthless knowing who did this and where to find him but not doing anything.”
“I know you do, but you have to get your head around reality.” When he says this, I pull back and look at him dead on. He wipes my cheeks with his knuckles and says, “Reality is, if you beat the shit out of him, then what? You break your promise to Candace and wind up hurting her more.”
“So I just do nothing and let him get away with this?” I ask, not sure if I can do that.
“If that’s what she wants, then, yes. But that’s her cross to bear, not yours.” When I drop my head, he tells me, “You have to stop beating yourself up. You aren’t doing anything wrong, Jase.”
I let out a deep sigh, feeling defeat wash over me. “She’s all I’ve had for a long time.”
“I know.”
“I can’t lose her.”
“I know, but you can only do so much.”
“But I feel like I’m not doing enough.”
“You don’t even have to do anything . . . it’s enough because you’re enough.”
His words hit deep. I suddenly think back to how I hurt him. How could I be so scared of someone that’s so sweet? I take his hand in mine and offer another apology for my actions. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you before.”
Giving me a hint of a smile, he says, “It’s done with.”
“It doesn’t make it right.”
“I know, but I also understand why you did it, and I hate that you ever felt that way.” Tugging on my hand, he says, “Come on. You look exhausted, and I have no intentions of going to class today.”
He leads me to his room, and we kick off our shoes before lying down in bed. Mark pulls the covers over us, and I draw him in close to me, grazing my jaw along his neck. I’ve never lost my cool like that in front of anyone, but having him see me so stripped makes me feel a new level of closeness with him.
“I have an idea,” he mumbles close to my ear.
“What’s that?”
“Why don’t we have a night in with Candace? Try and take her mind off of everything. Just have fun.”
Tilting my chin up, I kiss him. I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and grip tight.
“So that’s a yes?” he laughs when I pull back.
“Thanks,” I whisper against his skin, and he presses his lips to mine as I breathe, “No one has ever given me what you do.”
He runs his hand down my cheek and looks me in the eyes when he tells me, “I want to give you everything.” Those words are the only affirmation I need to know how he feels about me—about us—and I feel it too.
Mark and I spent most of the day in bed together. We really needed this time, so we took it. Having him like this . . . it feels right. For once, it finally feels right. In the midst of this chaos that surrounds me, he has a way about him that brings me back to solid ground. I know I need him. I need him in a way I haven’t needed anyone in the past.
We go back to my place after running out for a quick dinner. I told Mark that I gave Candace a key to my apartment, and that I wanted to be there in case she came over in the middle of the night. He agreed that was probably the best thing to do.