Both of us get ready for bed, and I’m happy that we don’t have to be apart, especially after today. A big piece of me needs him close right now. I lie down and Mark slides in behind me, wrapping his body around mine. I reach for my phone when it chimes. “It’s Candace,” I say as I open the text to read. She texted me when we were at dinner to let me know she had gotten off work and was heading home.
Goodnight. I miss u.
I hold the phone out so that Mark can read what she sent and what I type back to her.
Miss u too. Did u see Kimber?
Yeah. Didn’t really say much. It’s awkward.
I’m sorry, sweetie. Hopefully it will get better and things will get less weird for you guys.
Maybe. Is Mark with you?
Yeah.
Tell him I said HI. Love you guys.
We love you too.
I set the phone down next to my pillow, and Mark nestles his head in the crook of my neck, giving it a couple pecks before asking, “Are you okay?”
I shake my head no.
“Talk to me?”
“It doesn’t feel right,” I say as I roll over in his arms and face him. “Neither one of us wants to be alone, but I’m here with you, and she’s all by herself.”
His eyebrows knit together, and he lets out a sigh. He doesn’t say anything, but really, what can he say? He just kisses me and holds me, and for some reason, it’s enough.
The heat from the sun feels good on my face. The mixture of sand and salt on my skin and in the air I breathe is comforting, and I need it so badly—the comfort. How did I get here? How did life get so fucked up? I stare out at the sun as its first drop of fire hits the water and soaks it up.
“This is my favorite part, you know? Fire and water.”
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“The way they melt together flawlessly. You wouldn’t think that two things that should never unite would be so perfect for each other, but they are. It’s beautiful.”
Her voice echoes in my head as I see the reflection of fire scatter across the choppy water. She’s right. It’s beautiful.
“I miss you.” The words hurt coming out of me. My throat constricts in pain, and my voice trembles. But I have to say it.
“I’ve never left you.”
“I’ve needed you so many times, but you’re never there,” I choke out around the tears that run down my face.
“I’m here, Jase.”
Peeling my eyes away from the blue ocean, I meet gold. She still looks the same. Eighteen years old and soft golden eyes. I age, and she remains. You would think she would be cold, but when I reach over and take her hand in mine, she’s so warm. She’s gorgeous but painful to look at.
She smiles—happy and peaceful.
“I’m so alone, Jace.”
As she shifts to face me, she says, “No, you’re not.”
I don’t respond. I simply stare at her, etching every detail into my memory because I know this won’t last. It can’t. Life is just cruel like that.
“She’s going to be okay.”
Denying her words, I say, “I don’t think so. She’s so lost.”
“You’re her home. You can’t be lost if you’re home,” she assures me.
“But you’re my home. So where does that leave me?”
She shakes her head slightly when she questions, “What about Mark? What is he to you?”
“I don’t really know. God, Jace, I’ve done horrible things,” I confess as I continue to cry. “Mom and Dad won’t even talk to me.”
“You couldn’t keep lying to them though. And Mark loves you. You can’t be afraid for the world to see you.”
“I’m afraid they won’t understand.”
“Maybe they won’t, but the Jase I know wouldn’t care what others think. You’re gay . . . so what?”
Her words make me laugh, and I’ve needed to hear them for so long.
“You’re so much stronger than this. Don’t let life stand in the way of what you want—what you deserve.” She grips my shoulders under her hands and tells me, “Life isn’t gonna be here forever. It passes by quickly and the time is lost, so don’t waste it.” When she lets go of me, she turns to stare out at the water. “Jase, you have everything that was stolen from me. I lost it all and you’re wasting it. And for what? Because you’re scared?”
Taking her words, I admit, “I think I might love him.” I meet her eyes and continue, “I know I hardly know him, but I think I could really love him.”
Her smile is perfect and everything I need to see right now. We turn our attention back to watch the last of the sun before it’s completely submerged in the water. A union that should never be but always is. Day after day. A cycle that never ends.
I’m content. In this moment, I’m happy. I feel like I have everything until I look to my side and find myself staring down an endless path of sand.
My eyes flood, and I let them fall shut.
When I open my eyes again, I stare out the rain-covered window in my room. Even though Mark’s arms are wrapped around me, I want to leave him and go back. Just like that—she’s gone, and I am here, under the gray-covered sky, far from our beach.
Sitting up, I turn and shift to the edge of the bed and lower my head in my hands. I replay her words; I try not to lose the sound of her voice, but my focus is interrupted when I hear, “Are you okay?”
I hate that dreams have to end, but they do, and reality ensues.
I turn and fall back down on the bed. Mark doesn’t say anything else, he just watches me as I lie here. My chest hurts. It aches. I’m sure the pain is written on my face. Rolling on my side, towards Mark, I tell him, “I miss her.”
“Who?”
“My sister.”
He reaches over and pulls me close to him. I can see the question in his eyes, and I know he doesn’t know what to say, so I fill in the blanks for him. “She was in my dream.” I pause before revealing, “I know it isn’t real, but it feels like it is.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he admits, but I move past his words and continue.
“She knew everything; I didn’t even have to tell her.” I watch as Mark’s eyes begin to rim with tears that he never allows to fall. I’m pretty sure I know what he’s thinking: You’re crazy. Of course she knows everything; she’s just a figment of your imagination. It’s all in your head. I know that’s logic, but I choose not to believe it.
I lie there in his arms as I allow my mind to drift back to the beach, not wanting to lose her just yet. Pretending that the warmth of Mark’s body is the warmth of the sun. I know it’s desperate, but I do it anyway.
“What the hell is all this?” I ask as I dig through the black and white Sephora bag that Mark tossed on the coffee table.
“I told you, we’re gonna make her smile tonight.”
Taking out a small tub, I read the label, “Glam Glow? Tingling and exfoliating mud mask.” I start laughing and shake my head.
“Dude, girls like this shit.”
“Really?” I say with a tilt of my head. “How do you know?”