“I’m not nosey.”
“It kills you that you can’t know everything that goes on outside of your presence.”
He starts laughing because he knows it’s true. We both do. Mark loves gossip, and is always filling me in on crap I couldn’t care less about, but I don’t ever say anything. It’s just one of his quirks that I get a kick out of.
“Dude, I just want to know what the hell happened. Gavin said they used to be really close.”
“Okay, fine. All I know is that Gavin had said that Ryan has started acting weird in the past few weeks. He told me that Ryan used to spend his time doing not much more than hooking up with chicks, and then suddenly he stopped. That’s all I know. Is that enough gossip to satisfy you?”
“Did you ask anything?”
“What? No, man. I don’t really care.”
“Hmm.”
I just laugh at him as I continue to work. When the pizza comes, I take a break and eat before getting back to my project. Rolling out my blueprints, he helps me mark them up. I hear my phone ring from the kitchen, and when I walk over and pick it up, my stomach clenches with anxiety.
Looking up at Mark, I say, “It’s my mom,” before I answer it and walk to my bedroom.
“Mom, hi.”
“Jason,” she sighs out, and I can tell that she’s crying. I walk around my bed and sit on the edge.
“Is everything all right?” I ask her. Despite everything, I still love my parents. Flaws and all. They are the only family I have.
“I haven’t been okay since you left. I’ve been praying for you every day. I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” I grasp on to the hope that she’s had a change of heart about me.
I hear her cries thicken as she continues to talk. “I’m worried about you, dear.”
“Mom, don’t cry. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me,” I try to assure her.
“But I am. I want you to come home.”
“I can’t come home right now. I’m in the middle of the quarter.”
“No, I think you should move back here.”
Lowering my elbows to my knees, I ask, “What are you talking about?” as hope slowly starts to fade.
“Ever since you left, you’ve been a completely different person. I talked to Pastor Richardson, and he agreed to see you for counseling to try and help you work through whatever is going on.”
“Mom,” I breathe out, and I hear the desperation in her voice when she pleads, “Please, Jason. You’re the only child I have left.”
She’s crying, and I take a moment before I speak as disappointment overtakes my wasted optimism. “There isn’t anything to fix. And this didn’t happen when I moved away, Mom. I’ve been this way my whole life.”
“I know that’s not true. God didn’t make you this way. You can’t live like this; it’s wrong.”
Hearing her voice and hearing her pain, I feel so guilty. I listen to her cry when she says, “This is a choice, Jason, and you’re choosing wrong.”
I feel the bed dip down behind me, and Mark rests his forehead against my back as I defend, “There’s no choice to make. It is what it is, Mom.”
“At least come home for a few days so we can talk about this.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Please let me try and help you. Please.”
Holding my head in my hand, I swallow hard against the disappointment and hurt building up inside of me. “I don’t need help. I need you to love me enough to accept me.” I don’t wait for her to say anything before I hang up and toss the phone on the bed. Cradling my head in my hands, Mark plants a kiss on my back through my shirt.
He doesn’t say anything, and I take my time before speaking. “She’s so upset.”
“I’m sorry.”
“She’s so upset, and it’s all my fault.” I shift to the side and lie back on the bed, draping my arm across my forehead.
Lying down next to me, Mark props himself on his side and says, “You’re not the cause of her pain.”
When I don’t say anything, he grabs my arm and moves it away from my face. “Look at me,” he says and then repeats, “You aren’t the cause of her pain.”
“I am,” I say when I look up at him. “She wouldn’t feel this way if it weren’t for me. Because of me, there’s this rip in my family.”
“You’re not responsible for that though. They are. They’re the ones that pushed you out.”
“Because of me.”
As he rakes his hand through my hair, he says, “Because of them, Jase. It isn’t you. You’re not doing anything wrong.”
“What if I am? I mean . . . maybe that’s why I can’t get past this shit.”
“What shit?”
I shift over so that I can lie on my side and face him. “For the most part, I’m fine. With you, I’m fine, but I can’t help the times when it feels wrong to be myself.”
“There is nothing about you, that I can see, that’s wrong,” he says softly.
“But that’s you. She thinks I’m a sin. That I’m going to hell.” I pause before asking, “Am I?”
He closes his eyes and leans his forehead against mine. “I don’t believe that.” When he pulls back, I look into his eyes when he tells me, “It doesn’t make sense to me if that were true; why God would do this and then force us to deny it. That’s fucked up. You know this isn’t a choice. So how can it be a sin if God created us this way?”
His words hit where they always do, straight through my heart. I’ve always had these thoughts, but have never said them to anyone. Getting this out, and having Mark be the one to do this with, makes me trust him. How can this be wrong? To love someone. How can love be a sin? Whether it’s right or wrong, all I know is, Mark is the one person I need.
“Don’t walk away from me if I push you. I know how I get sometimes, but I’m trying to get past it,” I confess.
Running his hand down my cheek he says, “I’m not walking away, and I’m not gonna let you screw this up.”
I know what I feel for Mark. So I don’t even give it a second thought when I finally tell him what I’ve already been feeling.
“I’m falling in love with you.”
That sexy smile I love so much creeps across his face and then he tells me, “Good, ‘cause I’ve been in love with you for a while. I just didn’t want to say anything until you were ready.”
I don’t deserve to have this man who puts my feelings above his own, but I won’t deny him. Wanting to put an end to this war I’ve been battling inside of myself, I surrender my heart and trade it for his.
I press my lips against his and move slowly as I graze my teeth along his bottom lip. Mark pulls me flush against him, and I wrap my arms around him, feeling the muscles flex in his back as he moves against me. I want him so bad, and I have to force myself not to rip his shorts off and bury myself inside him.
I reach my arm back and tug my shirt off over my head. Rolling on top of him, I run my mouth down his neck, nipping along the way to his chest. His skin is hot on my lips, and when I hit the waistband of his shorts, I shift them down and peel them off. But before I can do anything, Mark has me flipped on my back.
He crushes his mouth with mine and possesses me with his tongue. My emotions are running on high, and I’ve never wanted anyone like I want him. All of him. Grinding himself against me, I grow harder for him. He tugs my shorts off and fists me in his hand, stroking me slowly. Closing my eyes, I roll my head back into the pillow and feel the intense pleasure when Mark takes me in his hot mouth.
“Jesus,” I nearly growl out when he brushes his tongue over me.
Mark slows his movements and switches our pace. He begins to trail kisses up my abs and then straddles my hips, settling himself on top of me. I cup my hands on his face and bring him down to me. His head rests against mine, and I feel the need to assure him of my feelings. “I really do love you.”
“I know you do,” he whispers.
“You’re the only one.” And he is.
Nodding his head, he kisses me but doesn’t move his lips. We’re just still for a while. It’s only when I reach over to the nightstand and open the drawer that he finally drags his lips from mine. When Mark makes sure we’re ready and protected, he reaches behind and guides me inside of him.