“You aren’t either of those things, not even close,” Mark tells her. “What happened doesn’t make you cheap or dirty or whatever else you’re thinking. It happened, and you have been punishing yourself ever since.”
“He’s right,” I add. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t keep taking this wound and ripping it further open beyond repair. You have to try and leave it be, and allow it to heal.”
“I don’t know,” she says and I can tell she’s about to cry, so I drop it and change the subject.
“I’m proud of you,” I tell her “I honestly didn’t think you would come out with us tonight. Thought you might back out.” I give her a smile and she leans forward, between the seats, and gives me a hug.
“I’m glad I came,” she whispers in my ear.
Mark gives her a kiss and then gets back behind the wheel. When we get to her house I offer to come in, but she assures me that she’s fine. Once, she’s inside, I grab Mark’s hand and admit, “I hate this.”
Looking over at me, he asks, “Hate what?”
“The way she feels about herself. It pisses me off because it’s so messed up.”
“I know, but it makes sense that she would think that way, as crazy as it sounds,” he says as he drives us back to my place.
“I just want her to be happy.”
Mark squeezes my hand. “I know you do. She will be. It just might not be for a while.”
Lying down in bed, Mark rolls on his side and says, “I don’t want to pressure you, but Thanksgiving is in a few weeks. I just was wondering where your head is at with it all.”
I fold my hands behind my head and sigh. “I don’t know.” A part of me is still surprised that he hasn’t wavered on me.
“What are you so worried about?”
Everything. Meeting his family, their reaction to me, their reaction to us, taking our relationship further. “I just don’t know what to expect.”
“Jase, you have nothing to worry about. I swear. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s only in your head.”
I get so much from Mark, and I know it isn’t fair. He gives and I take. I think about how much I want Candace to push herself, but in a way, I’m holding back just like she is. Scared of the unknown. I know I need to trust that Mark has my back, but more than that, I need to show him that I have his. That I am in this. Because I am.
“If the answer is no, that’s fine, babe. Just say the word, and I won’t bring it up again.”
“I’ll go,” I say as I roll on my side to face him straight on.
Shaking his head, he questions, “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. And I’m sorry. I don’t want to hold back with you anymore. It isn’t fair.”
Looking deep into my eyes, he says softly, “It’s not about being fair. I love you, Jase. I’m not going anywhere, so I’ll give you whatever you need.”
When I wrap my arm around his waist, I tell him, “I’ve been taking too much though.”
He brushes his lips over mine before kissing me. As he trails his lips down my neck, he breathes on my skin, “I don’t care how much you take.”
I grab his hair and guide him back up to my mouth. Mark slides his tongue along my lower lip and nips it. His chest is hot against my skin, and I cling to him, pulling him flush against me. We tangle our legs, and I just can’t seem to get close enough to him. I want him. All of him. And I want to give him back everything I’ve taken.
I shift on top of him and take my time as I graze my mouth across his chest, flicking my tongue over his nipple, and kissing my way down his taut abs. Hooking my fingers around the waistband of his boxers, I slide them down and toss them on the floor. I look down at him, and everything is near perfection for me.
Settling myself between his legs, I trail my tongue up the length of him before sucking him into my mouth. His hands are twisted in my hair, gripping tightly as he guides me at his own pace, and I let him take control.
I know that Mark has gone out of his comfort zone with me to give me what I want, and I want to be able to do the same for him.
When Mark’s breathing grows heavy, I drag my mouth off of him and grip him in my hand as I shift to his side. He kisses me slowly, dipping his tongue in my mouth. We move lazily together, not wanting to rush while I continue to stroke him in my hand.
I’m so turned on and hard right now, and I have to resist the urge to bury myself deep inside of him, because for once, I want to give him the satisfaction he’s been denying himself. For me.
Mumbling over his lips, I hesitantly whisper, “You can have me.” Never have I been the bottom, but I know it isn’t Mark’s thing either. He’s let me take control all the times we’ve had sex in the past, but I’m done being selfish with him.
As he shifts back slightly to look in my eyes, he takes a moment before asking, “Are you sure?”
I nod my head, and he begins to question, “You’ve never . . .?”
“No.”
“Jase—”
“Don’t,” I cut him off. “I love you. I really fuckin’ love you. And I—”
He doesn’t let me finish when he covers my mouth with his. He moves on top of me and breaks our kiss only long enough for him to remove my shorts and sling them aside. He lies between my legs and returns his lips to mine as I band my arms around him, pulling his weight on top of me. I’m nervous about doing this, but there isn’t anyone else I would do this for, and I know it. I trust Mark, and I love him. That’s enough.
He leans over and opens the drawer to my nightstand. I watch him as he moves slowly and takes his time getting me ready for him. Reaching down, he braces himself over me with his one arm.
“Just relax, okay?” he breathes out as he slowly pushes himself inside of me. My breathing begins to stagger at the unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling. My body instinctively tenses up around him, and he repeats, “Relax, babe.”
And when I do, he continues to ease himself the rest of the way in. We lie there for a while, kissing slowly, as he lets me get used to him and not feel so tense.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” I say as I nod my head, and when I do, he begins to move. I hold him close to me as his body lies on top of mine. And the closeness alone overwhelms me. Having him inside of me is intense. There is no give and take right now. We just are.
We take our time and never move too fast. Eventually the uncomfortable feeling passes and my body heats up with the pleasure that begins to overtake me. Closing my eyes, I moan out, “Oh, God,” as he pushes himself inside of me.
Dropping his head in the crook of my neck, he breathes hard, “You feel so good.”
His words burn through me, and I reach down and start stroking myself, needing more of this feeling that’s shooting through me. I stare up into Mark’s green eyes as he looks into mine. Neither of us speaks through our labored breaths. I take my free hand and wrap it behind his neck, and he drops his damp forehead to mine.
I lift my chin and kiss him as I feel myself getting close. I know Mark is with me when he grows harder, swelling inside of me, and the pressure building is more intense than I have ever felt before. I can’t hold back when I start to come. Violent euphoria rips through me, and I can’t even keep my eyes open as I roll my head back into the pillow. My abs constrict as the pulses of pleasure take me over. I hear Mark groan as he begins to lose himself, grinding himself into me. The longer he moves inside of me, the more he prolongs my release, and like a greedy bastard, I don’t want him to stop. And he doesn’t, knowing what he’s doing to me.
When he collapses on top of me, I wrap my arms around him. I can feel the thudding of his heart through his chest, and I know I am with exactly who I should be. No doubts. No questions. He’s freed me in a way I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t know I could open myself up this way to another man and be so exposed. But he doesn’t judge. He has only ever given me the benefit of the doubt, letting me stumble at my own pace. And even though I am scared shitless about meeting his family, I want to because there isn’t anyone else I want to be with.