“I need to talk to you,” she told me.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“First of all, I want you to know I love you. I don’t know if I told you or not, but there are a couple of other people working for Teddy this summer who are from Wesleyan.”
“No, you never really told me much about it.”
“Well, you remember Trevor?”
He was the boy she had been casually dating. I felt my stomach tighten.
“Yes,” I said as the life went out of me.
“I promised to tell you only if things got serious; well, they did, while you were at camp. We’re going to take our relationship to the next level.”
I took a moment to take in what she told me. The only reason she would be telling me was if she slept with him. To get to that point she needed to have been seeing him. Tami would never just sleep with a random guy. I knew she was seeing him and had asked why she didn’t take him to the formal. She said there was no spark. I also remember telling her not to tell me the details until it got serious.
I have a bad habit of jumping to conclusions. That’s why Tami always tells me not to go with my first reaction to something. What confused me was I now had a car; she had to know I would come up every weekend to date her. The only reason she’d be telling me this was because she had chosen him over me. She kept saying she loved me. I guess she didn’t love me in that way.
I suddenly didn’t feel well. I pulled off the highway and puked. I got out of the car to try to get my emotions under control. She got out to check on me.
“I was never going to be good enough, was I?” I asked.
She looked on in stunned silence.
“I was never going to be grown-up enough. I was never going to be wealthy enough. I could never compete with Wesleyan or the people who go there. That’s why Harper and Missy will never get serious with me. I’ll never be enough. I see that now.”
“David, it’s not like that, and you know it,” she scolded me.
“Maybe, but that’s how I see it.”
“Bullshit! Don’t act like this with me. We have too much history. You know I’m not doing this to hurt you, but don’t I deserve some happiness? Don’t I deserve to have a boyfriend during high school? Trevor caught me by surprise. You know him. He’s a sweet kid. He and I have a lot in common. I just want to give this a chance.”
“Of course you do. I wish you only the best. I’ll never stand in your way for happiness and I mean that with every fiber of my being. I hope you remember that.”
“Then why are you acting like this?” she demanded.
“Did you even think to ask me to be your boyfriend?” I asked.
I could tell by the look on her face she hadn’t.
“Tell me, what about us?” I asked.
“We’ll always be best friends, so nothing has really changed. We’ve talked about this. Now is not the time for us,” she told me.
She was probably right, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. Mom says I can be pigheaded. This just hit me all wrong. The Alpha Male was showing his ugly self, and I couldn’t get the image out of my head of another man touching my Tami. She was mine!
We didn’t talk the rest of the way home. She knew I needed to process this. That was why she told me in person. This was how Tami managed me. She knew I’d get mad, and then she would have me see reason. When we got home, Tami just got in her car and left.
I went inside and found Angie. Tami had picked out my new car, and now I hated even to look at it. I couldn’t ever see myself driving it again. I knew it was irrational, but that was how I felt. I didn’t want to have the constant reminder of Tami every time I drove it. I guess my stubborn side must be showing. My rational mind would have told me this was immature and stupid ... if I had given it a chance. That was one of my faults; when I got mad, I wasn’t always rational.
“Give me your car keys,” I told her.
She went and got them. I traded her. She looked confused so I forced a smile.
“Please, I’d feel better knowing you and Kyle had reliable transportation,” I told her.
She didn’t know if I was serious or not. What I said was true; Angie’s car was on its last legs. What is it that they say, turn lemons into lemonade?
I just went to my apartment and I got out the manual on how to change the code for the lock on my apartment. I changed it, and then went upstairs and stared at the ceiling. I needed some time to get my head back on straight. I was also tired of everyone just walking into my apartment.
Chapter 15 – You Already Have Three Jobs
Sunday July 13
I WOKE UP EARLY AND ran. Today was a lovely summer day. You could smell the cut grass, which reminded me I needed to mow our lawn. I took in our neighborhood as it slowly came awake. As I began to run, I knew I needed to think. I quickly fell into the zone.
Tami dating Trevor had rocked me. I’d been making decisions based on our long-term relationship above and beyond just friendship. She said nothing had changed, but for me it had. My other two best friends, Alan and Jeff, were nowhere as involved in my decision-making. I treated Tami like my future wife. That had to change, if for no other reason than I needed to learn to make my own decisions. I had to remember she was a friend, just like everyone else.
I’d been worried our being apart would change things. Her living at Wesleyan had finally done it. I still loved her ... that wasn’t in question. I think if we’d seen each other every day, many of our misunderstandings over the last few months would never have occurred.
She was right in saying she deserved to have a chance to spread her wings. Even I couldn’t be that big of a hypocrite. But here’s the rub. If she were just a friend, I could’ve handled it. If I looked at her as my future wife, and the mother of our children, there was no way. I would go insane. For both our sakes, I needed to make this transition in my head, or I was going to destroy everything. I would never be able to get over it, and she could read me too well. She would never be happy knowing I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t do that to her. I loved her too much. Of all the people in my life, I couldn’t imagine being the reason she wasn’t able to be happy. It would kill me.
I then started thinking about all of the friends who were moving on with their lives. Eve left me at the beginning of the summer to chase her dreams. I hadn’t heard from her in over a month. Shortly I’d be losing Beth, Cindy, and Suzanne. Greg and Angie would be leaving with Kyle. They would all be leaving for college in about a month. I was feeling a little like everyone was leaving me. Again, part of me knew this was way overblown, but the emotional side of me kept screaming, ‘me, me, me!’
Beth had been trying to find me replacement friends in Mona, Kim, and Sammie. Sammie wasn’t really interested. Mona had indicated that she wouldn’t be satisfied with just being friends. Kim and I never really clicked beyond friendship. I just didn’t see it happening. The freshmen felt more like little sisters who needed protecting, rather than girlfriend material.
The only person I was semi-interested in was Peggy. To be honest, she had drifted away as a friend since the first of the year. I still had a little crush on her, but I wasn’t sure we would date.
The final two who came to mind were Harper and Missy. They were Tami’s friends first and foremost. This was made clear in San Francisco when Tami told them not to sleep with me.
The only viable option I saw right now was not dating for a while. At first blush, I wanted to reject the notion out of hand. Regular sex had been something I could count on. I sometimes wondered how regular guys survived without it. The sad truth was they did. With my track record, it was probably the best option. I had football coming up and didn’t need the distraction of trying to find a new girlfriend. I’m sure if you asked my mom, she would say it would help me build character. Unfortunately, it looked like this was where things were headed.