Chapter 12 – Holy Shit Batman!
Sunday September 15
I woke to a girl screaming.
“David, you’re naked!”
I sat straight up to find Peggy Pratt in my bedroom. I looked at the clock and it read six a.m. Only a couple of hours sleep! What? Wait! What was Peggy doing in my bedroom?
“Get out of bed,” she said. “I’m your running partner!”
I threw my pillow at her.
“Get out and let me get dressed, you pervert.”
I’d forgotten that I was assigned a running partner and they would start today. The training staff hadn’t told me who it was going to be. I quickly went to the bathroom and threw some water on my face. I got dressed and met her in my little living room. Without saying a word, she bounded down the stairs. When we got to the driveway, she broke her silence.
“Okay, let’s stretch first.”
Peggy ran me through some basic stretching exercises to get us loosened up. Then she just took off. I had to scramble to catch up. I set my position just behind her so I could watch her butt as we ran. She saw what I was up to and gave me a dirty look. We got to the park and she took off towards the playground. We played follow-the-leader. She ran up the teeter-totter and then down the other side. I had to pull it down, so I could run up. She then had us swing on monkey bars and bounce over benches. It was a lot of fun.
We came to an obstacle course. She stopped and looked at her watch. She then looked at me.
“Go!”
It started with the staggered tires that you had to high-knee your way through. Next, I found telephone poles that were cut at different lengths you ran over. Then there was a rope bridge followed by a rope swing. There were several other obstacles, and the final one was a twelve-foot wall. When I was done, I collapsed at her feet.
“Four minutes thirty-eight seconds. Not bad for a rookie.”
I gave her the finger.
“Let’s see you do better.”
She took off like a shot. After I saw her speed through the first couple of obstacles, I just fell back and tried to catch my breath. In an incredibly short amount of time she was back, smiling at me.
“One minute fifty-nine seconds.”
She pulled my sorry butt to my feet. We jogged back to my place.
“Thanks for running with me. I’m sorry I forgot we were starting today.”
“Here’s the deaclass="underline" I expect you up and waiting for me out front at six, Sunday through Thursday. If you aren’t there, I’ll wake you up, and you won’t like it.”
From her evil grin, I knew I would be ready tomorrow.
AFTER I SHOWERED, I headed down to the kitchen and found my mom in her bathrobe. She looked bleary-eyed and nursed a cup of coffee. I looked at the clock.
“We need to get going if we’re going to make it to church.”
“Do you mind if we skip it?” she asked.
I suddenly felt myself get pissed. I made a conscious effort not to show it.
“Yes, I mind; go get ready.”
She went upstairs and was down shortly. We barely made it and had to sit in the back. Every six weeks the youth pastor did the sermon. I really enjoyed Pastor Dan’s services. They always seemed to relate to me. I think it was because Pastor Dan was only twenty-two.
Today’s sermon involved some of the kids from Sunday school. Mrs. Kelly was in her early twenties and taught the eight-and-under group. They were cute as they fidgeted in their Sunday clothes. They sang a couple of songs, danced around, and got everyone to clap for them.
“Mrs. Kelly, what have you been teaching this fine group of boys and girls?” Pastor Dan asked.
“We’re learning about the resurrection.”
This seemed to please Pastor Dan.
“That’s great. Today’s sermon is on the resurrection.” He turned to the kids and asked, “Who can tell me more about the resurrection?”
A cute blond-headed boy raised his hand. Pastor Dan pointed to him.
“Before you answer, please introduce yourself,” Pastor Dan said.
“I’m Wayne Hole.”
“How old are you, Wayne?”
“Eight.”
“Are your parents here, Wayne?”
“Yes, my mom and dad are right there.”
They stood so everyone could see them. This kid handled the audience like a pro.
“Can you tell everyone what the resurrection is?” Pastor Dan asked.
“Sure, if you have one for more than four hours you need to go see the doctor.”
Pastor Dan dropped the microphone with a loud thud and bent over to laugh. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. Wayne looked a little concerned, and Pastor Dan could see his distress. He picked him up and gave him a big hug. They were talking and the little boy smiled from ear to ear. Dan then let him down and he ran over to his parents.
It took several minutes to get the crowd back under control.
“Well, folks, someone famous once said never work with children or animals. But I have to say if I didn’t work with kids, I wouldn’t get near the joy I feel right now.”
ON THE WAY HOME, I wanted to stop at the pharmacy to buy condoms. I was always a little nervous about what Mom would say on any given subject. So I was rightfully nervous with my intended detour.
“Hey, Mom, we need to make a stop on the way home.”
She was in a good mood from the sermon.
“Sure, where to?”
Here goes nothing!
“The pharmacy.”
“Okay.”
What, no third degree? We pulled up to Glasson Pharmacy and I went to run in.
“Hang on. I need to get some things too.”
Okay, don’t panic. Maybe she would go one way and I could go the other. When we got to the front of the store, all hope was lost.
“Do you need help picking them out?” Mom asked.
My mother does not suffer fools well. So the question was, did I play dumb? Or tell her what’s up? She gave me the ‘stupid boy’ look.
“Who does your laundry?”
What did that have to do with anything?
“You do.”
“Where does Greg keep his condoms?”
Heck if I know? Okay, yes, I am a ‘stupid boy.’ She knew he was out of condoms.
“Okay, but I’m not sure I need help with this.”
Please don’t go with me to do this.
“Come on. This’ll be fun.”
She headed to the back of the store by the pharmacy counter. After she got about three steps ahead of me, I gave up and followed. Who knew there were so many choices? Mom and I started to look at the different boxes.
“May I help you?” a female voice said from behind me.
I turn around to see Kim Sun standing there with a smirk on her face. She had on a smock and a name badge. Oh, could this get any worse? Yep, count on my mom.
“Hey, Kim, David’s buying condoms and we need help figuring out what he needs.”
“No problem, let’s start with size. David, do you know what size you need?”
Both of them turned to me with straight faces. What was she talking about? These things came in different sizes? I could feel my face going crimson.
“I, eh, sorry, what do you mean by size?”
Kim looked at my mom and shook her head. My mom seemed to agree.
“A condom is meant to fit snugly on the erect penis, and should cover it completely. I need some idea of length and girth so we can get you fitted correctly.”
They both look at me expectantly.
“Well, I, uhmmm, not really sure.”
Kim looked at me then at my mom.
“Okay, no problem.”
Thank God! She pulled out a cloth tape measure from her pocket.
“Mrs. Dawson, do you want me to measure him, or would you like to use the restroom to measure David?”
I must have gone pale because both Kim and Mom broke out laughing.
“You should see your face,” Mom said.
I think the only thing that kept me from running out of the store was shock. Kim pulled out a twenty-four pack and handed it to me. I grabbed another one.
“Sorry, David, looks like you don’t plan on coming back anytime soon.”