“Dad, what’s going on?” asked Freddy.
“I’m not sure what’s going on, actually. Chief Spanker wanted to talk to me.”
Chief Stewie Spanker looked just like his son except bigger and meaner. “Look, Funkhouser,” said Chief Spanker, getting right in Alfred’s face, “we know you like to do crazy experiments and come up with stupid gadgets.”
“Stupid gadgets?” exclaimed Alfred. “I don’t invent stupid gadgets.”
“He invents useful stuff,” said Freddy defensively. “Like… well, like the…”
“Like the tomato-seed shooters,” prompted his father.
“Right,” said Freddy, “and the salad that comes up out of the ground all ready to be tossed in a bowl. Dad gave that formula away to everyone in Pookesville for free.”
“Yeah, well, that salad had a certain odor to it,” growled Chief Spanker.
“That’s what they invented air fresheners for,” advised Alfred.
Freddy added excitedly, “And then there’s the non-nuclear mosquito defeater. And the anti-gravity flight belt.”
“Still working out some control problems on that one,” pointed out his father.
“And then there’s the neuromuscular disruptor to capture criminals.”
“The Jelly Legger, I like to call it,” said Alfred proudly. “You should get some for the police department, Chief.”
“And then there’s the burp pill for upset stomachs,” added Freddy.
Chief Spanker looked very upset. “I actually tried that one. Everything came out the other end… for days!”
“That’s why I renamed it the pooper pill,” said Alfred.
Chief Spanker stared pointedly at the scissor thing. “So what’s that, a new gadget to cut hair?”
“Oh, this?” said Alfred. “It’s a battery-powered pizza cutter that cuts an entire pizza into perfect slices in two seconds. Here, I’ll show you.”
He handed the pizza to Spanker, turned on the battery, and engaged the scissors. Two seconds later the pizza remained uncut, but the police chief had no hat left – and no hair, either.
“Oh dear,” said Alfred, staring at the now nearly bald policeman. “I thought I had worked that problem out. Well, actually, it does have application for hair cutting. If you come into the Burger Castle I’ll give you some of our fat-free fries. They’re good at growing hair back.”
Spanker snatched the scissors contraption out of Alfred’s hands and threw it down. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in that dumpy restaurant of yours. And assaulting a police officer is a crime.”
“But I didn’t mean to -”
“Throw him in jail, Dad,” shouted Adam. “And his nutcase son too.”
“I wish you’d ask your son not to call my son names,” said Alfred.
“Hey, hey!” yelled Chief Spanker, sticking a big finger in Alfred’s chest. “You watch your mouth. Adam is a very sensitive boy.”
“But I didn’t -”
“Give it a rest, Funkhouser, you’re in enough trouble.” The policeman consulted his notebook. “Now let me see, two months ago you attempted to launch a trash can into orbit using a rocket engine attached to the roof of your Dodge station wagon. Said trash can did not make it into orbit but rather came down and landed in the community swimming pool three miles away. Call me silly, but that seems a little crazy.”
“Well, first of all, it wasn’t a trash can,” explained Alfred Funkhouser.
“That’s right,” said Freddy. “It was a solar-powered meteorological data-gathering platform designed to circle the ionosphere and transmit valuable information back to the home station.”
“Well, when it landed in the swimming pool it looked just like a trash can,” responded Spanker impatiently. “Now, let’s get to today’s events.” He looked at his notebook again. “We have three separate incidents of large, colorful creatures causing considerable trouble in the area. First, a red thing with -” Spanker checked his notes again and shook his head, “- two heads and a green thing that rose way up in the air disrupted a local baseball game, causing considerable mayhem and a number of injuries.”
The police chief continued. “Next, the Pookesville Pie Factory was attacked, and four hundred pies eaten by a fat purple thing that had a little yellow sidekick whose face, arms, and legs fell off. Lastly, a large blue thing that knew how to play chess really well created hysteria in downtown Pookesville and then escaped by jumping onto a moving train.” The policeman closed his notebook and tapped it against Alfred’s chest. “Now are you going to try and tell me that you had nothing to do with all that, Funkhouser?”
With each description, Freddy’s eyes grew wider and wider and his stomach started doing bigger and bigger flip-flops. This was all going so wrong.
Alfred was staring at his son, his hand rubbing his very sharp chin, a sure sign his brain was on high-speed computing mode. “A fat purple thing that could eat four hundred pies? A two-headed red thing and a yellow creature who loses body parts? A blue thing that could play chess and jump on moving trains, and a green thing that could rise way up in the air?”
“Yeah!” cried out Chief Spanker as he slapped his notebook against his beefy hand. “Now what do you say to that?”
“Well, I personally don’t know anything about it. It would have taken quite a scientist to come up with something like that. In fact, I wish it had been me.”
“Oh you do, do you? Well, we’re going to give you some time to think about that. Come on, you’re under arrest.”
Spanker took out his handcuffs and put them on Alfred.
A cheer went up through the Spanker gang. “You tell him, Dad,” yelled Adam.
“Wait, you can’t arrest my dad,” cried Freddy.
“Oh, I can’t, can’t I? Give me one good reason why not. He’s the only one in town who makes crazy things like that. You Funkhousers have been trouble since the first day you came to Pookesville.”
“You’ll be an old man by the time you get out of jail, Funkhouser,” taunted Adam.
A terrified Freddy stared at everyone. Adam shot him raspberries and raised his paintball gun menacingly. Chief Spanker eyed Freddy with disgust. But the worst thing of all was Freddy’s father looking at him.
“But… but,” stammered Freddy.
“What’s the matter, Funky,” said Adam, “C-c-ca-cat got your tongue?”
“It’s okay, Freddy,” said his father calmly. “I’ll go downtown and get this all straightened out.”
“Yeah, right,” said Chief Spanker, belly laughing. “I’d get used to not having your father around for a while,” he said as he led Alfred away.
“But we have to work on our float for the parade,” protested Freddy.
Adam howled. “Wait’ll you see the Patty Cakes float. You haven’t got a chance, Funkhouser.”
Chief Spanker put Alfred in the patrol car.
Freddy was trying hard not to cry in front of Adam and his gang, but he couldn’t help himself. He ran to the police car and put his face against the window where his father was sitting.
“Dad -” he said tearfully.
“It’s okay,” his father said quietly. “I’ll be home in time for supper. Go find your sister and tell her what happened.”
The car drove off and Adam and his gang immediately circled around Freddy and Howie.
“Something tells me you two know a lot more than you’re saying, Funky,” said Adam accusingly.
Freddy and Howie drew closer to each other. “You… you’re tres… trespa -” Freddy stammered.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Adam looked through the open doors of the large barn that sat across from the farmhouse. “Hey, what do we have here?” He and his gang raced into the barn.
“Stop!” cried Freddy. He and Howie chased after them.
Inside the barn was the Funkhouser’s float for the Founders’ Day parade. Alfred had taken an old tractor chassis and put a flatbed trailer over it. The Funkhousers had built a wooden frame on top of the flatbed trailer in the form of a giant Vroom shake. Nancy also had added a platform at the top of the shake made to look like a balcony, where she could deliver her Shakespeare monologues to her adoring fans; it was accessed by a trapdoor in the platform.