“Don’t!” yelled Alfred. He shot tomato seeds at them, but they bounced harmlessly off the gang.
“Aim!” said Adam.
“Stop!” screamed Nancy, squirting ketchup at them. Adam just licked it off his shirt.
“Fire!!”
“NOOOO!” Freddy tried to run away, but his foot hit some wet paint on the floor and he flipped up in the air, directly in front of the paintball guns as they fired. The paintballs hit him at the same time, covered him with a black ooze, and sent him flying up, up, up to the ceiling.
“Retreat, men!” barked Adam. “Mission accomplished.”
The Spanker gang flew out the door.
Alfred and Nancy watched Freddy shooting to the ceiling. He seemed to be moving in slow motion, his mouth open and one long scream coming out of it. “AAAAAHHHHHH!”
When Freddy hit the ceiling of the Burger Castle, the black, sticky ooze rained down all over the restaurant.
BAM! Freddy hit the floor and lay there. He slowly sat up and looked at his father and sister. Covered in black, they all looked like they had just struck oil.
“And stay out,” whispered Freddy to the long-gone Adam Spanker and his gang.
“Well,” said Alfred as he wiped the black off his glasses. “Those boys certainly are mischievous.”
“Mischievous?” exclaimed Nancy. “They should be in prison.”
“Now, Nanny Boo-Boo,” replied her father.
“Maybe we should leave town, Dad,” said Nancy. “Adam’s father owns the Patty Cakes, and he’s the police chief, and the mayor. We don’t stand a chance. And I’m running out of clothes that don’t have paint splotches on them.”
Freddy said angrily, “We’re not going to let Spanker and his gang run us out of town. Right, Dad?”
“Well, if we don’t start getting customers coming in soon, Freddy, the decision won’t be up to us. We won’t be able to afford to stay here. We don’t have much savings left.”
“Don’t worry, Dad, our float will win and this place will be packed.”
“I hope so,” answered his father.
“We will win,” said Freddy. But he wasn’t nearly as confident as he sounded.
As they were driving home that evening, Freddy fell asleep in the back of the station wagon. He dreamt that the Funkhousers had won the float competition and the Burger Castle was crammed with customers, and that he was big and strong and had just beaten up Adam and his whole gang all by himself. But when he woke up he was still Freddy Funkhouser, a nine-year-old boy who was small for his age, wore glasses, and had blond hair that always stuck up in back.
Freddy couldn’t use his brawn to beat Spanker since he didn’t have any. But he did have something Spanker didn’t have: A brain. A big one!
“Think, Freddy, think.” And then it hit him. He almost yelled out, he was so excited. He had the very thing that would win the competition and finally beat the Spankers and their fancy float.
When they got home Freddy raced to his secret laboratory.
“This means war, Adam Spanker,” he called out as he sprinted there. “And you’re going down or my name isn’t Freddy Tesla Funkhouser.”
CHAPTER2
Freddy had spent the last week reworking the special project he was doing for the Burger Castle float. Exhausted, he now leaned against the wall of his laboratory. His lab was underneath one of the old barns on the farm he and his family lived on. Over the last few years Freddy had outfitted his lab with leftover equipment and machinery he had found on the farm. The large room was crammed with inventions he had built from old tractors, generators, combines, tillers, lawnmowers, milking machines, and tons of other stuff. He had done many experiments, first under the close eye of his father, but now he did a lot by himself. His father had taught him that a good scientist thought through all the consequences before conducting an experiment. Well, Freddy had given his latest project a lot of thought and work, but he still had a big problem.
There was a loud buzzing sound and Freddy picked up an old phone that was attached to a black cord.
“Who is it?”
“Howie,” said the voice on the phone.
“What’s the password?” Freddy said.
“Adam Spanker eats his own boogers,” said the voice.
“Roger that,” answered Freddy.
“Over and out,” said the voice.
Freddy hit a button on his big lab table. There was a scream and something dropped from the ceiling and landed in a pile of hay behind him.
Howie Kapowie stood unsteadily and brushed the straw off his clothes. He was one of Freddy’s friends. Actually, Howie was Freddy’s only friend. Howie was even smaller than Freddy, with brown hair that had an even bigger cowlick than Freddy’s. He looked unhappily at his chum. “I thought you were going to work out the kinks on the trapdoor. I’ve got straw in my underwear.”
“I’ve been too busy, Howie,” said a weary Freddy. “I’ve been working on this experiment every night for the last week.”
Howie pulled out a cheese cube from his pocket and popped it in his mouth. Howie loved cheese cubes more than anything. “What kind of experiment?”
“Well, I’m trying to make something really special for our Founders’ Day float.”
“But the Spankers win every year.”
“I know. Their float’s pretty awesome this year,” admitted Freddy. “I snuck a peek in their warehouse. There was some strange man in there talking with Chief Spanker.”
“Knowing the Spankers they probably hired him to build it for them.”
“The rules say you have to build your own.”
“The Spankers make their own rules, you know that.”
Freddy sighed, but then looked excited. “Can you keep a secret?”
Howie looked offended. “I’m a Kapowie; we’re very trustworthy people.”
“This is a super top-secret secret of the highest order.”
“Does the fate of the entire world hang in the balance?”
“Quite possibly.”
Howie popped another cheese cube in his mouth. “Okay, I’m cool with that. Let me have it, Freddio.”
Freddy led him over to a door, opened it, and went into a small room. Howie followed him. It was very dark.
“I can’t see anything,” said Howie.
“The lights automatically come on when the door’s closed.”
Freddy shut the door and the whole room lit up.
“AAAAHHHHH!!!” screamed Howie Kapowie, and he fainted.
Freddy looked down at his friend. “Howie? Howie?” Freddy shook his head, reached in Howie’s pocket, pulled out a cheese cube, and held it under his friend’s nose.
Howie’s nostrils started quivering as they sucked in the smell of the cheese. Finally, Howie’s tongue shot out, scooped up the cheese cube, and his eyes opened and he sat up.
“What is THAT?” he asked, pointing.
“I made them for the float. And I thought we could use them as the symbol for the Burger Castle. You know, like Patty Cakes has. Only lots better.”
Howie stood and peered at the figures lined up against the wall. There were five of them, and all except one were a lot taller than Freddy. They sort of looked like French fries, but they were painted bright colors with faces, arms, and legs. The blue one had on a bowtie and wore thick black glasses. The green one wore a baseball cap. The purple one was the biggest of all with a big butt and belly. The yellow one was the smallest, but had really huge eyes and mouth. One half of the red one’s face was smiling, the other half was frowning.
Freddy explained. “At first I just made them out of my Dad’s secret potatoes and wired them so they could do a few movements. But after seeing the Spanker float I knew I needed something a lot cooler than that. So I used microchips from some old computers to hardwire their brains. I used the biggest microchip I had in the blue one. I call him Theodore. The purple one is Wally, because he’s in the shape of a waffle fry. The chip in his brain got damaged, but I figured it would still work. The yellow one is Ziggy. I gave him a very funny feature.” He pointed to the green Fry. “That’s Curly, because he’s a curlicue Fry. He can stretch twenty feet into the air, although I had some problems wiring his voice box.”